Rule No. 18: Sometimes you just have to accept that you attract weirdos

I warned you that today was going to be a big post and I wasn't lying...

I did something on Monday that you are going to love, but I'll tell you about that a bit later. First let me tell you about today as there have been a few bad impressions and awkward moments (this probably isn't a surprise).

This morning my colleague told me she had a headache, so being the kind person that I am I offered her some Ibuprofen. However, I didn't think to check the packet before giving it to her (why would you?). All of a sudden there was a loud "errrggghh". Yep, that's right, there was a used chewing gum stuck to the packet.

I genuinely do not know how the chewing gum got there. I wouldn't like to think that I would just spit my chewing gum out into my bag. To make the matter worse there was a long dark hair (mine) stuck to it, which then became attached to my colleagues thumb. Obviously we both laughed about it, everyone knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to get embarrassed, and she's not type to get repulsed easily. However, it wasn't the greatest moment and I am a little concerned that people will question my hygiene. Therefore, it has made me think that it could be a good idea (excuse) to buy a new handbag...my current one obviously isn't very clean. The massive hole at the top of it isn't very attractive either.

Awkward moment number two, which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to (and it's not just me for once). This afternoon I phoned a company director who I hadn't spoken to before. When they answered we obviously did the whole 'hello' thing, but I then went on to say "I'm good thank you, how are you?". The only problem is, they hadn't actually asked 'how are you?'. WHAT WAS MY BRAIN THINKING... You then have that awkward 'oh sorry, you didn't ask me that' moment, which then makes it sound like you're criticising them for not asking how you are. DIG ME OUT. 

I won't make you wait any longer.

I've joined Plenty of Fish.

Now, I haven't joined the site expecting any dates, but it's more for the banter. I have actually joined once before, as last year my housemate persuaded me to sign up with her. I went on one date and I ended up dating him for four months. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable four months either as he was a bit of a kn*b, and I don't really know why I bothered staying with him. I also discovered that he was cheating on me too, the absolute £$£@*%$£!!!!

Therefore, I'm not actually sure I even want to go on a date, but I thought I would just see what happens. And, oh boy you're going to love some of the messages I've received. I've had about fifty so far and I haven't replied to a single one. And, that isn't even me being fussy, they're just terrible. I would say that 95% of the guys haven't even bothered to read my profile and they definitely haven't bothered to think of a nice message to send. Please see examples below:

1) Hi babs
2) Hi
3) Hey lady says up
4) Baby, does G stand for gorgeous?
5) Hey
6) Hi sweete
7) Hello can we me you frand go out  (????)
8) Heya I'm Matt
9) Knock knock
10) Hi How are you? Hopefully the weather will sort it's self out

My absolute favourite is this guy:

 

No, unfortunately that isn't his profile picture. Damn. 

News flash...as I was scrolling through to find the worst messages to show you, I received a message from a guy that actually seems nice, he's also good looking and he has banter. This could be my first reply...

x

Rule No. 17: Eating crisps attract men

GUESS WHAT!!! My ukulele arrived! I love it. It makes me look so Hawaiian.

I'm going to wear the flowers every time I play. Well, it would be ridiculous not to wouldn't it? Like Elton John without his glasses.

I will start my Youtube tutorials tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to upload a short video of me playing by the end of the week. Don't expect anything good, it will probably just be a video of me playing a few chords (I say this like I know what a chord is)...

I've got some pretty funny stuff to tell you, but I'm afraid it's going to have to wait until tomorrow as I need to rush off soon to do some work. Don't hate me.

I'll tell you the crisp story for now...

On the way to my fire poi lesson this evening I was feeling pretty hungry as I hadn't eaten much of my lunch, so I stopped off at a newsagents. A man in the shop who was at least 40 years old greeted me with "hello beautiful, nice smile. Do you want to meet again?".  With a nervous laughter I said, "no thank you" and paid for my crisps and walked out of the shop. Then, just as I walked out a car slowed down and a man blew a kiss at me. I ignored it, opened my crisps and started eating them (they were Frazzles, if you were interested). A guy walking past me then said "yeaa guuurl looking fiiiine" and made a kissing noise. As a matter of fact, I wasn't looking fine at all, I had just put a handful of crisps into my mouth. THEN a car STOPPED and two guys shouted out of the window "hey sexy girl"...

Now I'm pretty sure my skirt wasn't tucked into my pants or anything like that, and I definitely wasn't looking 'sexy' or 'fine'. I had been sitting at my desk all day being stressed, and because I got rained on this morning I looked a bit like Krusty the clown. Therefore, I can conclude that men are attracted to women eating crisps. Well they are in Brixton anyway.

On a different note, what were these guys actually expecting? I wasn't exactly going to turn round and be like "hello baby" and make kissing noises back. Well, I suppose I could, but that would just be weird.

Tomorrow is going to be a big post, I can feel it.

Night x

Rule No.16: Always remember to brush your teeth

It's not the best start to a Monday morning when the fire alarm goes off. The whole office did the 'do you think it's real? Let's just stay at our desks for a few minutes to see' thing. It only occurred to me as I slowly picked up my phone and dragged my feet towards the nearest fire exit that 'sh*****t, I'm the department fire warden'. I then of course made sure that everyone had left the department floor before I made an escape. I would like to say it's a rather heroic job, I could have saved lives (if it wasn't a drill).

When I finally got outside there was a big cheer and everyone praised me for my bravery. I wish. My team laughed at me. Apparently they are getting a little concerned that I have some kind of 'fire fetish'. I suppose not everyone learns fire poi and volunteers to be the work fire warden. I don't think they have anything to worry about until I start making fires at my desk. Although, I have become a little addicted to lighting the spray from an orange peel when you squeeze it really hard. I recently learnt the trick at a cocktail making masterclass. I'm not very good.

We ended up standing outside for about 10 minutes whilst all of our floors were checked for any signs of fire. Obviously we all chatted amongst ourselves (standing in silence would just have been weird). However, I probably shouldn't have talked to anyone. I stupidly forgot to brush my teeth this morning and I hadn't had a drink either. I felt disgusting. I hate that whole awkward trying to cover your mouth with your hand, taking a little step backward so you're not too close to the other person thing. Lesson learnt.

Tonight I met up with a couple of girls from home that were in London for the day. We went to Wahaca and stuffed our faces with mexican food. As usual we ordered too much so I challenged Sinead to Man Vs Food. As you can see from the picture, it didn't go too well.

We still ordered dessert.

Random thought...on my way home I noticed a sign for a missing cat. At first I felt sorry for the cat, and then sorry for the owners. However, it then dawned on me...why would you print a black and white picture of your cat? Surely that doesn't make people instantly recognise it? Or, maybe because I don't like cats I find it harder to notice the difference between them. But, surely a black and white photo doesn't tell you what colour the cat actually is? I wouldn't look at and go "oooh yeaaa that's the ginger cat I saw this morning". Therefore, I have decided that the owner is either very stupid, lazy or doesn't actually care that it's missing. Either that or I'm just a narrow minded cat hater.

Night x 

Rule No.15: There could be a reason why you're single...

Sorry for the delayed post. I was at my friends BBQ all day yesterday and then I went straight out with a couple of the girls in the evening, and I've only just started to feel human enough to type. The closest I'm going to get to leaving the house today is opening the window (with clothes on).

The BBQ was really fun yesterday. My friend's parents house is absolutely incredible, so it is now my aim in life to become rich enough to have a pool and a tennis court in my garden. Even if I don't use either. They would just look nice. Therefore, I need to find a rich man as I currently can't even afford a garden in London.

Isn't this just amazing (ignoring the grey sky):

As I'm sure you've already guessed, the diet isn't going well. Yesterday I consumed a sausage roll for breakfast (I was in a rush and didn't know what to buy), a burger at the BBQ, some potato salad and half a bowl of noodles. If you hadn't noticed, it was just carbs.  This is very disappointing, especially as I actually love fruit and vege. I just always seems to pick carbs over it. However, when I was a child my grandma used to call me her 'little fruit bat' because I was always eating fruit. Now the only thing she could probably call me is her 'big carb cow'...I'm sure she actually wouldn't as I can't imagine she would ever be that mean, but you get my point.

Last night whilst Abi, Aimee and I were having a couple of G&Ts at mine, Aimee raised a good point. She has noticed recently that we're not very ladylike and that could be a turn off for men. I have to agree with her. Therefore, I thought it was only right that she made a demonstration video for you all. Please bear in mind that the impression of us going out has been a little exaggerated, well I bloody hope so anyway. Please also ignore my messy lounge.

I hope you noticed Aimee's odd socks. And yes, that is my real laugh.

It was then a little concerning when we went out, we got to our first bar and I ordered a bottle of wine for the three of us. The barmaid just gave us the bottle without any glasses. Is it possible that we look so unladylike that she thought we were just going to use straws or swig from the bottle? Obviously, following Aimee's rule, we asked for some wine glasses and sat like ladies.

I didn't do too badly when we were out last night, whilst I was waiting for my friends who had just gone to the toilet, an overweight guy with glasses came over to me. "What is such a beautiful woman doing on her own?" Obviously, I just told him I was waiting for my friends. "Well I like your hair, and everything else". Then he walked off. I think that counts as a pull?

I'll leave you with this picture. Another possible reason we could be single. Such a stunner.

Bye xx

Rule No. 14: Just because it's pay day it doesn't mean you have to buy random things

First of all, CHECK OUT MY NEW HEADER! My amazing friend Jojo made it for me today so I'm not such an amateur blogger anymore!

Secondly, I have had over 950 views of my blog today. Absolutely amazing! All because I finally had the courage to share my blog on Facebook. Oh, the power of Facebook! Obviously I want more and more people to see this blog though, so please share with friends :)

Thirdly, I am so bloody glad that I cancelled my date tonight. I have instead spent the evening in Topshop and at my friends house making Fajitas and drinking red wine. Nothing can beat that. I decided not to get curry in the end because look what happened when I tried on some jeans...

I checked three times that they were the right size. They must have been made wrong...Hopefully.

I obviously didn't buy the jeans, but I did spend £150 on other things as I had a £150 Topshop voucher. I bought a new bikini for Italy, a top, another top, a hat, a ring, a bracelet and some pants. However, I had a slightly awkward moment when I got in the queue to pay as the girl in front of me was wearing one of the tops that I was about to buy. I HATE buying clothes that other people are likely to have. Especially when it is a pretty distinctive top as you're bound to have one of those awkward "yes, we're wearing the same top and everyone knows it" moments.

I bought it anyway!

Payday...The Topshop spending spree didn't count as money as it was a voucher, but as soon as I got back from my friends house tonight I bought two bottles of perfume online (in all fairness, I had ran out, but I didn't need both a day and night time scent). I also decided to get a new hobby. Therefore, I purchased a Ukulele. I'm planning on teaching myself on Youtube, unless there's any hot ukulele men out there willing to teach me for free? 

Let's be honest, I definitely didn't need to buy a Ukulele. 

I'm going to my friends boyfriend's birthday party in Weybridge tomorrow, which is at her parents house. Her parents are ridiculously rich so I've been told to bring my bikini so I can swim in their pool. I think I might 'forget' to bring my bikini bottoms so I don't have to get the tree trunks out. 

x

Rule No.13: Just because you were good at paper aeroplane competitions when you were five doesn't mean you will be now

First of all, I thought it was about time I shared with you a picture of one of my favourite friends.

Imaginatively, he's called Elephant. I have to be honest though I've been a bit mean recently, since the hot weather he's been sleeping on the floor a lot. It's too hot to spoon a fluffy thing.

In other news, I've decided not to go on my date tomorrow. He seems really nice, but I just think we're too different (not because he's nice as I'd like to think I'm nice too). I thought we were really different when I first met him, but the mixture of wine and cider made me not care. However, now I'm sober I'm being wise. I know I should just be like 'YOLO' and go for it, but I'm going to be honest here, the thought of finishing work tomorrow and going straight home to watch TV gives me shivers of excitement. I have a massive smile on my face just thinking about it. I might even get a curry.

So this means I have no dates lined up now. Men, please form an orderly queue. I like flowers, peanut butter and red wine. Also, I have never owned a designer handbag (unless you count the fake Jimmy Choo my mum brought me back from Thailand).

Working in a magazine company means I'm constantly surrounded by women, or gay men. However, today I discovered a floor where all of the straight men hide...the digital development floor. There were hundreds! Well it seemed like there were hundreds, it was more like 20. Anyway, they were holding a paper aeroplane competition, which after one beer I decided was a great idea to enter myself into (this was a team bonding exercise, we do actually work extremely hard!). I genuinely thought I was going to win. I used to always win them in primary school.

I got my paper folding moves out and concentrated like I've never concentrated before. When finished, I took my position on the imaginary line and threw my handcrafted plane. I came second to last. If this isn't clear, I WASN'T last. But, when it landed on the floor about a metre away from me I saw the face of one guy and he looked really disappointed for me. I think he knew how much I wanted to win. I must admit, it wasn't a great moment for my paper aeroplane making ego, but you never know, the men might sympathetically fancy me now.

Before I go and practise my fire poi routine - I've put a routine together to Azealia Banks '212' because I'm a rude girl now (please refer to the blog post 'Always check you're at the right stage'). I wanted to share with you '21 pictures that will restore your faith in humanity'. I read it whilst sitting in a coffee shop on my own waiting for a client to arrive. I sat there with tears in my eyes and a wobbling lip. Thankfully my client was 15 minutes late so I had enough time to compose myself before she arrived. By the way, I couldn't help but wonder how see-through the boxers would have been in picture 20...

P.s. I hope you're proud of how early I've written this!

x

Rule No.12: Don't open your bedroom window when you're just wearing pants

I need to stop writing this blog so late at night, because the next day I read it and I've made so many grammatical errors, and possibly worse...SPELLING ERRORS. I've only just realised that I spelt 'disgusting' with a 'c' TWICE yesterday. How embarrassing. I've now made the changes... Please don't judge me.

Today has been a hard day. It started off well as I had a client breakfast in a lovely place in High Street Kensington called Aubaine. I love the two guys I met up with too, there's always a stream of constant banter. I love banter. However, having the morning out of the office meant I had a lot of catching up to do when I got back, and the work load just seemed to keep piling up. Therefore, I worked through lunch to try and get it back down again, but I was still not getting anywhere. Also, the fact I consumed a 'wholesome pot' for lunch did not help the situation, it was so bland it was like eating wet flour, and it made me feel very sad inside. Say that...my 4 O'clock meeting was very nice. I went to the Dean Street Townhouse (Johnny Marr was there when I walked in), and had the best scotch egg EVER. We then ordered three lots of scones, where we were only expecting three scones to arrive, but no, we got nine...NINE! We only managed one each, even though they were warm and ridiculously good. (Yes I know the diet is going terribly, but I haven't had dinner tonight. Well, except for the mouldy piece of toast that I'm currently nibbling on - FYI I've nibbled around the mould).

The scones:

I suppose my day doesn't sound too bad, but I didn't get back from my meeting until 7pm, and so I didn't leave the office to go home until 8.45pm. Ergh.

Going back to this morning, it finally hit me that I seriously need to stop opening my window when I'm not dressed. It's been so hot the past few weeks, and without a fan or air conditioning in my room I've been having to sleep in just my pants, sprawled across my bed with no duvet on. This morning I woke up a sweaty mess and went straight to open the window. A routine I've carried out for the past few weeks. However, it needs to stop. I need to put clothes on before I go to the window.

See the thing is, not only is my window one of the old fashioned ones that you have to push up to open (it's a more strenuous task and I have to squat to do it), but it overlooks the post office. Therefore, every morning there is a queue of people outside. I like to say they're my  fans (or they could just be a fan of picking up their parcels). The queue can range from 1 - 50 people, luckily today it was only six. But, it's safe to say they've probably all seen my breasts. Especially that man in the green jumper. Pervert.

Right, I'm off to bed. I'm going to attempt to post my blog earlier tomorrow...hopefully.

Night x

Rule No.11: It's not about one way conversations

I bloody did it! I got a pic of the easel. However, I didn't have time to queue for an hour so it's from afar. Nevertheless, I got one!

I went to Buckingham Palace after work in the end, it was always going to be a miracle if I got up early enough to go before work. I HATE mornings more than I hate Jessie J, which is a lot. Therefore, I had to rush there straight after work so I could still get to my fire poi lesson on time. I was rushing so much I had sweat flying off me. By the time I got on the tube at Green Park I was like a wet dog. Soaked. Slightly embarrassed I attempted to pat myself dry, but I was just sweating uncontrollably. I then attempted to use a magazine to waft myself, but that didn't really work and I don't think  people on the carriage were too impressed as they seemed to be concerned that I was just wafting sweat on them. A seat then became available so I sat down, which I thought would help calm the sweat down, and calm me down in general. As I sat down the man next to me shuffled away like I was really disgusting. This felt weird and I felt both embarrassed and ashamed, very ashamed. However, thankfully by the time I got to Brixton I had been restored to a normal person. I left the tube feeling slightly less disgusting. Slightly.

Two more things about the royal baby before I bore off...1) IT'S NOT GINGER 2) I loved this cover.

So the title of my post is referring to a couple of people I met this evening. I had never met them before so I thought I'd make conversation when introduced. However, every question I asked they'd just respond with a one word answer, and they wouldn't return the question. This to me is just rude. I've got to the point in life now where I know the people I like - people I can be completely myself around and I know are genuinely interested in talking to me. People that I can happily announce if I need the 'toilet toilet' to, people that won't judge me for liking Mcfly and people that will order pie and not salad. I just think there is no point making the effort with people that are rude or don't give a sh*t. If you initially try and don't get anywhere, then don't waste your breath. Personally, I'd rather sit in awkward silence, and that's exactly what I did. And, guess what, they STILL didn't try and make conversation. I would LOVE to see them on a first date.

Tonight I've been chatting to some girl mates from home (Coventry) in a whatsapp group. We were discussing how we fancy Eminem (I'm going to Reading festival), which randomly led onto whether we'd sleep with a famous crush if we knew they hadn't washed for a week. The general consensus was yes. I mean, would you turn down George Clooney or Miranda Kerr if they smelt like stilton?

I'll leave that thought with you.

Night x

Rule No.10: The royal baby is allowed to steal your thunder

Today I had my first Fire Poi lesson with REAL FIRE. It was 33 degrees and I had to wear black jeans, a black t-shirt and throw fire around. I was a sweaty mess, but who cares, I bloody did it. And, I only managed to hit myself three times. AND, I did not set myself on fire. Overall, it was reasonably successful. Therefore, it won't be long until I'm like this:

OK, I'm being rather optimistic. It won't be long until I'm like this:

Too far.

Anyway, none of this really matters as I haven't just popped out the future king. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. It must also be weird for William to think that his son won't be king until he's dead. OK, that's a weird thing to think and probably hasn't even crossed Big Willy's mind. On another note, I hope the baby isn't ginger (no offence) and doesn't have William's nose, as my daughter is going to marry him. Even if there is a 20 year difference.

I'm going to attempt to get up early tomorrow and take a picture of the easel on the way to work (if it's still there). If I manage to do it then of course I'll post it on here :)

On a disappointing note, I tweeted Boris Johnson to ask if we can have Monday off work, but he hasn't replied. Therefore, I'm guessing we don't get a bank holiday for a Royal baby being born. Worth a try anyway.

I need to shower as I smell of paraffin.

Happy New Royal Baby Day.

Night x

Rule No.9: Making friends with the DJ can be useful

Today I feel like death. I'm actually a little concerned I could have bed sores tomorrow morning. I haven't moved all day (except to go to the toilet, get water, get food and open the door to the pizza delivery guy). Oh yea, the diet isn't going well still. I've watched 10 episodes of New Girl and have now finished the whole of season 2. I cried three times - Jess and Nick's relationship is just far too much for me to handle. I also think I'm getting tonsillitis, which is pretty horrendous. I'm presuming having craters in your tonsils is not a good sign anyway?

So yesterday I went to a posh pub with my housemates for lunch, which was really lovely. However, slightly awkward when I asked the waiter for my Pork Belly to come with chips instead of potato pancakes (I needed as much grease as possible after Lovebox). The waiter pulled a disappointed face, but said he will ask the chef. Five minutes later the chef came over to my table to convince me that I shouldn't exchange for chips as it would ruin the meal and that the potato pancakes were 'exquisite'. Obviously I stuck to chips, but felt so ashamed. I don't think I have ever felt so embarrassed to order chips before, I felt like I had asked Gordon Ramsey to make we a McChicken Sandwich meal.

After the pub we went to Battersea Park and hired a pedalo. I made sure that I was in charge of steering as I really miss driving my car (I haven't driven since moving to London) and it's the closest I could come to driving again. That, and pushing a shopping trolley round Sainsbury's. At first I was rather impressed with my skills, until I got cocky, which led to us getting stuck in a bush and narrowly missing a duck nest. People around us seemed to find this amusing, my housemates on the other hand did not see the funny side as they were getting hit by tree branches and leaves were getting stuck in their hair. I ended up getting us out of the bush however, and the rest of the pedalo ride was pleasant.

Last night we went out in Clapham North for my housemates birthday, which was really fun. We drank cocktails, we danced and I made friends with the DJ who was pretty hot. This meant we got all of our song requests played, and we sang at the top of our voices for the majority of the night. We also attempted to dance like Beyonce, but failed miserably.

Aimee and I (after a few too many cocktails) decided to show off our best pulling tactic. Unfortunately it wasn't effective. See below:

However, I do have a date next week...I met him at Lovebox on Friday and he's a really nice guy. Well he bought me and my friends bottles of water when we were thirsty and that always gives a guy brownie points anyway. He also wasn't put off when I sent him a pic of myself downing a pint of Guinness last night, which I weirdly drank faster than my two Irish guy friends...I think I need lessons on being more ladylike.

Anyway, I'm off to gargle some salt water.

Night x

Rule No.8: Always check you're at the right stage

People are actually liking my blog, which is a relief! Thanks guys :) I was slightly concerned that the only person reading it would be me.

I was at Lovebox yesterday so I couldn't post my blog. I could have tried at 1am, but it would have just been a rambled mess. Too much cider. 

Lovebox has made me realise that I love thinking I'm a rude girl. I have about twenty photos on my phone with me posing wearing a snap back. 

Here is a photo of me pouting and looking really cool... Oh dear. 

So the main act I wanted to see at Lovebox was Rudimental. We went to what we thought was the main stage as they were about to come on. Scrambled to the front, and to our disbelief Wiley came on. We were at the wrong stage...I only got to see one Rudimental song. Disaster. 

Azealia Banks was absolutely incredible. I was dancing like I was such a rude girl. Loved it. I've been listening to her all morning and dancing around my room. I am no longer an indie girl. This is the new me, badass G. 

The highlight of yesterday however was discovering a big fluffy caterpillar on my friends skirt when we were on the tube home. How did it even get there? It was like a caterpillar cactus. 

Peace out x 

Rule No.7: Some things should not be shown in public

I think we'll all agree that starting the day with losing half of your Belvita biscuit in your coffee is never good. Everyone in the office thought I'd broken my leg as I was so distressed. Obviously I tried using my pen to fish it out, but that didn't work. It ended up just making the biscuit break into tiny soggy lumps so my coffee turned into some kind of mushy biscuit coffee porridge. It wasn't pleasant.

Then again I could have been one of the weirdos queueing up outside the new TK Maxx store in Balham at 8am this morning. They looked like they'd been queueing for hours. I just don't understand the need to get there so early? It's not like there was a sale on or Beyonce was opening the store. Maybe I just don't get the early morning TK Maxx hype.

In other news, I went to the Office press day with my colleague Charlotte this afternoon (I must say their A/W range is amazing!). On the way back to the office I started singing Joan Osborne, 'One of us'. I don't know where it came from, but I felt it was right at the time. Charlotte looked at me like I had just told her David Beckham was single and shouted 'that is one of my favourite songs!'. We then both burst into song and danced in the street all the way back to the office. I felt really cool and the wind was blowing my hair and skirt like Marilyn Monroe. However, judging by the odd looks we got I don't think we looked as glamorous as I felt. It was a special moment.

Talking about wind blowing my skirt. I really need to stop wearing floaty skirts. It was so windy today, I'm pretty sure at least ten people saw my knickers, and they weren't even nice ones. They were a Primark five for £2 speciality.

Taking inspiration from the Office press event I went in store to try some sandals on. As I was waiting for the assistant to bring the correct size I suddenly realised that my bag was revealing something rather embarrassing. Personally I LOVE it and everyone in my office loves it, but I don't think I want the whole world to know...

You know you want one.

Diet update, I've actually been pretty good today. Salad for lunch and jacket potato for dinner. However, I did eat two profiteroles and a mini cake. It's my housemates birthday though, so it's allowed.

Night x

Rule No.6: When the gym emails you to say they're worried about you it's time to start going to the gym again

Well today has been interesting. Obviously the diet went out of the window again. I had a client breakfast this morning, which consisted of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast. Then I had a River Island press event, where I got a free cronut (croissant and doughnut). In all fairness I only had a bite - it was very greasy and I'm not sure I liked it. Then, at another press event there was a chocolate stand with free samples...I don't need to explain much more. THEN I went to lunch with a girl that was leaving and had a fish burrito and THEN tonight I had a picnic, which consisted of crisps, bread, cheese, olives, cake...

To make matters worse I received an email from my gym this morning as they are worried about me. I've been once in the last two months and they're concerned to why I haven't been going. It's just so hard going after work when I get invites to go to the pub or for dinner!! However, I need to be strict. I don't want to be Mr Blobby in Italy! I'll try again tomorrow...

Here's the cronut:

On a non food/gym related note, when I was coming back from my meeting this morning I noticed there was a used plaster (bandaid) stuck to my foot. VOM. I tried scraping my foot on the floor (doing this when walking down Carnaby Street isn't the best look), but it wasn't working and I was worried people would think I was scraping dog muck off my shoe. I therefore decided to do a little shuffle now and again, which didn't work. My friend then attempted to use her shoe to help get it off, but that didn't work either. I finally decided to just pretend it wasn't there and sort it out when I got to my desk. Of course, when I got to my desk I completely forgot about it. Five hours later I looked down and saw the disgusting thing, and yes I had to use my fingers. I then forgot I did this and had a bite of the above cronut. Let's just hope I don't have any diseases.

Later on today I discovered a picture of me IN MY BIKINI on the Daily Mail. I was mortified/horrified/confused all in one go...how the hell did they get this picture??? A picture that I removed from my timeline on Facebook, because I didn't like it...and it was now on the bloody Daily Mail. I eventually discovered my friend had sent it in (I have no idea why) without even asking me. Disaster. Some people would say I'm now famous, some people would say it's very embarrassing. I'd 100% go with the latter. If you want to see it, then here you go.  It's one of the last photos and I have a red polka dot bikini on. Cringinghell.

That will be enough shame for today.

Night x

Rule No.5: Sometimes dieting is not sociably acceptable

It's 12.50am UK time, so I'm running late on this blog. The pub was far too tempting.

OK, so yesterday I said I was going to start dieting today...it started well, I had prawn salad for lunch. But, then I remembered we had a Fire Poi 'party' tonight, which basically consisted of alcohol and party food. There were doughnuts, crisps, chocolate and Pimms. Obviously refusing any of these would have just been morally wrong and extremely ungrateful. Therefore, I consumed a large bag of bacon rasher crisps, two doughnuts, two glasses of Pimms and two beers. I probably didn't need to be that keen, of course I was just trying to show how much I was enjoying the party. The diet starts tomorrow. Hopefully.

Tonight, my teacher whilst drunk and I think a little stoned told me I remind her of a Buddha. I'm presuming and HOPING this is because I'm pretty chilled and laid back. However, if I find out she meant I looked like a Buddha then I will probably have to kick her profusely next week, and of course whack her with my Buddha belly.

On a different note, BIC had a press event in our offices today and they had a caricaturist, so I obviously got mine done. I always knew my nose was big, my eyes were small and my cheeks were chubby, but there was no need for him to really emphasise it was there...I suppose he at least gave me big white shark teeth and a mouth like the Joker. Great.

I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm sorry if I've just been talking crap. I'm going to attempt to sleep in this 100 degree room, where I already have sweat dripping off my face and I still have the window open. I'm hoping I don't wake up tomorrow cooked through like a spit roasted chicken. Minus the spit roast.

Night x

Rule No.4: When your local takeaway know who you are, it's time to stick to salad

Sometimes in life you have one of those days that makes you see things differently. Today has been one of those days.

Firstly, I got my photo taken for the October issue of Cosmo and I look bloody terrible. Even with a professional photographer and professional lighting I am never going to be a model. Obviously this has always been clear, but today made it crystal.

Secondly, I went to the Bedford in Balham (a local pub) and they usually have really cool bands play on Mon-Thurs, but tonight it was a college band night. However, after contemplating leaving we stayed and it was actually pretty good and I realised that I  quite like metal music, so maybe I'm not just an indie girl after all. But, most of all I realised that it was 7 years ago since I was at college. Time goes too fast, and I am now starting to feel old.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I've been meaning to sort my life out and diet/go to the gym for a couple of months now. However, I just keep putting it off. I like to say it's just because I've been ridiculously busy and stressed, but really it's because I like food and I don't particularly like exercise. Tonight however, I walked past my local fish and chip shop and the guy that works there waved at me. That is when I realised that I need to sort myself out. I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT be known as a local in the chippy. From now on I am going to be eating salad, and just salad. The chip shop man will have to beg me to return. BEG.

This is my sad face.


On a lighter note, I'm addicted to this guy at the moment - Benjamin Francis Leftwich

x

Rule No.3: Sunglasses make everyone look better

Another HOT day, which meant we spent seven hours in Battersea Park sunbathing. This also meant we continued perving...However, once again there was a lack of hot men. Until, Mr Muscles came along. He turned up on his own (I find this weird) and stood in the park rubbing sun tan lotion on himself for a good five minutes. It was like a real life Diet Coke commercial - every woman was staring directly at him, and it really was impossible not to. Therefore, we obviously all decided to turn and sunbathe facing in his direction so we didn't have to strain our neck. I then took a really nice photo of my friend Hayley.

However, a sigh of disappointment echoed round Battersea Park when he took his sunglasses off. He was in a fact a great example of a prawn (need to rip the head off as it's only the body that's good). Devastating.  We carried on facing in his direction anyway.

When Mr Muscles left we actually starting chatting amongst ourselves again, and discussed our top five celeb women. This led to hysterics of laughter when Sarah said "definitely Miranda Kerr", to which Hayley exclaimed "WHAT! Miranda the comedian???" I had tears from laughter, and then felt massively guilty. Poor Miranda (comedian), it shouldn't have been that funny, but let's be honest, you wouldn't...

I Skyped my brother in America tonight, and I'm a little concerned I'm already teaching my 19 month  old nephew bad habits. My brother was getting him to point to his belly button. However, when my nephew looked at the camera I stuck my tongue out, so obviously he reciprocated. I'm hoping he doesn't start thinking that his tongue is his belly button. That would just be confusing for everyone.

My room is like a sauna and I need to get up in 7 hours, so I will say good night.

Good Night.

Rule No.2: Men should not wear shark tooth necklaces

Today has been SO HOT! 30 degrees for Britain is actually ridiculous. In a good way, obv.

I have been lying in Battersea Park all day with the girls eating ice lollies, pork pies (standard), and perving on men. However, the perving didn't go too well as there was an upsetting amount of available good looking men. We finally thought we'd spotted a fitty until he took his tshirt off, good bod, but men should not wear shark tooth necklaces. I genuinely don't think Beckham could even pull it off. Actually he might...yea, he definitely would.

We did try licking our Calippos (ice lollies) seductively to lure the men in, but unfortunately nothing happened. However, when I say seductively we probably looked more like this:

At least we tried.

An interesting topic we discussed today was 'why do men have nipples?' Surely there's no purpose for them, except for reducing how much they look like a hairy potato?

As promised here's a video of me practising my fire poi moves. I'll hopefully be using fire in a couple of weeks, so I'll keep you updated!

I understand this has been quite a weird and pervy post, so I apologise.

Blog update...I have just received a snap chat from a guy with a pic of a Hooter girl and the message 'can you wear this please?' ...it's just a tshirt and shorts? Men are weird.

Rule No. 1: Don't wear black pants with a cream skirt

Happy Friday!

You're probably out being sociable right now. I'm currently at home, alone and drinking red wine, which I'm genuinely excited about. Mainly because I never seem to have much time on my own, but most importantly I can sit watching Pursuit of Happyness without my bra on. (FYI, the film and bra are not connected. The lack of bra is for comfort purposes only).

My current view:

In reference to the title of this post, today I have learnt three things:

1) I only seem to wear my glasses at work when I want to feel clever. It works and I recommend it.
2) Think before telling people in your office that every word that has 'gina' in it is a great word. Vagina is one of those words. Although, personally I still think vagina is a great word.
3) Don't wear black pants with a cream skirt. And, if you happen to (like I did today) then make sure people know they are black pants and that the dark area isn't because you haven't bothered to shave for 12 months.


Galaxy update:

Tomorrow I'm going to make a video of the Fire Poi moves I've learnt (I've been learning for the past five weeks) - there's no fire involved yet, but you can see me wave ribbons around. If you don't find it impressive then I'm hoping you'll at least laugh, so look out for it as I'll be posting it on here.

Obviously I'll also attempt to give you some more important life lessons...

Peace.

A bloody good day

I'm beginning my blog with a positive post as today has been a bloody good day. Not only have I just organised to go to Italy for a week in August, BRING ON THE PASTA AND TIRAMISU. But, I have also been given a free, yes free, weekend ticket for Reading Festival. This not only means I can see Bastille, The Lumineers, City and Colour, Foals, Biffy Clryo, Green Day, Imagine Dragons and 1975, but I get to bounce my arm in the air like 'I'm proper hard' whilst watching Eminem. I'm so excited I might burst. Or, break into a rap.

To top all of this great shizzle off (and I'm hoping you don't hate me already), we had a Greggs press day at work today. This means I consumed a chicken and chorizo pasty, two slices of pepperoni pizza, a cupcake and a mallow biscuit. I also nibbled a gingerbread man, but wasn't a fan. In conclusion I've been a pig, but thoroughly enjoyed myself. I also decorated a giant gingerbread man, and I don't think I did too badly considering I was rushing so that I could get back to my desk and stuff my face with beige food.

Yes, that's me and ginge. Unfortunately, she is no longer with us. R.I.P.