Rule No.85: A 'man ban' does quite the opposite

I'm going to begin with showing you something we all need to start doing more often. 

Telling people you love them and brightening up their day is a WONDERFUL thing to do. I'll be honest though, I'm terrible at it. You can see from my last message to Fern how horrendous I am at texting... "Lol xx" doesn't even count as a text message, surely? I'm surprised people still hang out with me. 

The last thing I want to do after work is communicate with people though, I just become a socially awkward potato. I like to lie on my bed and listen to Lion King and occasionally stumble to the kitchen to get food. And don't even get me started on mornings, I look like a cave woman, sound like a man with a cold and I act like a teenager that has just been grounded for the first time. However, making the effort to write a message to someone and spread the love is a great thing to do, so maybe we should start doing it?! We could call it the 'Learn from Fern' campaign.

Anyway, it's now time for an announcement. 

The zoo guy...you know...the guy who I called a chav when I first bumped into him in a bar, then he took me on a date to London Zoo? Well he is now officially my boyfriend. 

I have a boyfriend. 

That's right...

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 

This is proof that there's hope for us all. This is also proof that when you're not looking you're more likely to find someone. I was on a serious man ban when I met him. Therefore, it's a good job I don't stick to most of my bans. Hence why I didn't give anything up for lent.

I will also announce that I am going to Marbella on Monday. Although, it's only for two nights so it's not a massively long holiday. In fact, it's not a holiday at all as I will be on a shoot for Red magazine so I'll be working. Therefore, I'm basically not sure why I'm announcing this. 

Obviously I'm not sticking to the no carbs before marbs rule either. Especially as I had frankfurter potato salad for lunch yesterday #germanheaven and tofu Chow Mein for dinner last night. And I would say the no carbs before marbs started today, but I had left over Chow Mein for lunch and I'm about to go out for sushi with Aimee. 

I'm going to stop my weirdo rambling now and I think you've probably had enough announcements for one day. Although, unfortunately we'll also have to mourn the death of my MacBook. After eight loyal years it has passed away. This is a very sad and frustrating situation. Yet, it means I can get a new one without feeling guilty. 

OK that's the end of my announcements. 

Well actually I have one more. 

Sorry I lied, I don't. And I couldn't think of anything that was remotely 'announcement like' except for the fact my plant died, but I didn't think this would interest you.

Bye.

x

Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x

Rule No.58: Don't wear floaty dresses on the tube

It's Sunday, the day of rest.

Today was not a restful day.

After consuming a rather large amount of wine and gin last night I woke up this morning with a slight hangover. However, after some beans on toast and a cup of tea (I shouted for Heather to make me the tea and she surprisingly did...maybe I should save my voice next time and buy a bell to ring). 

I showered, tidied my room, put a wash on, tidied the kitchen and then swept up all of the leaves in my front garden. Then, I went to WHSmiths to buy wrapping paper, THEN to Waitrose to buy chocolate to take to my friend Sara's house as her boyfriend was making me a Sunday roast (well not just me, but I like to feel special). I presumed you should buy people a gift when they're providing dinner? Chocolate is always a good gift. Unless you're diabetic or on a diet of course, then it's a terrible gift. 

Check out the amazing roast, it was so incredible I think I'll be dreaming about it for weeks.

The picture doesn't do it justice.

The company was pretty damn good. 

What a cheerful bunch.

The below photo from Saturday night isn't so nice though...apparently gin makes you think you look a lot better than you do. I mean, why did we think this was a good idea?

I AM POUTING whilst everyone else is just looking at my phone.

Oh dear.

Anyway, instead of blabbering on I thought I would give you a little list of news:

• Pedro never got in touch. I don't really get this as he was so persistent to get my number. Men are weird.
• Someone stopped and asked me on Oxford Street if I would like to enrol on a course to learn English. I must look even more foreign than I thought.
• I wore a floaty (maternity style) dress on Wednesday and was then paranoid on the tube that people would think I was pregnant. I prayed all the way to Oxford Circus that someone wouldn't offer me a seat. My prayers worked, but I was a paranoid Pamela the whole journey. 
• It is never a good idea to drink an espresso martini to pass the time while your glass of Prosecco is being poured. I learnt the hard way.
• When you're at a cool party (the Schuh launch party to be precise) don't chase the waiter serving slices of pizza, just act cool and wait for him to offer you a slice. Otherwise you'll end up looking like a tit when you finally get to him and realise he's run out. Like running for the bus and missing it, but worse because you look like a massive pig. Not that this happened to me of course. 

My next blog post is probably going to be from North Carolina as I'm going over to visit my brother, sister in law, nephew and my new niece on Wednesday!

There's a lot about the trip I am excited about. For example, I can't wait for plane food. 

Night x

Rule No.52: You are not Nigella Lawson so don't film yourself cooking

Bloody Nora I am so TIRED! The combination of too much alcohol, too much fun and too much work this week has left me with zero energy. That, and I refuse to go to bed early because I apparently think I'm a vampire (apart from the drinking blood bit).

Surprisingly, my tiredness has not resulted in unhealthy eating. In fact, I've been very good! I even decided to make a special video for you. I could be the next Nigella. Check out the pics and video below...

The start of my omelette: 

The tutorial:

I forgot to include the cooked bacon when I was filming so I sprinkled it on top. 

This is the final masterpiece (I know it doesn't look great):

I then rewarded myself with a bath, whilst listening to London Grammar.  

I feel so chilled now, I should do this more often.

Other highlights this week have been stroking a dog, eating Domino's pizza, having my mum stay over and of course, the first ever Cosmopolitan Lingerie Show, which was held at One Marylebone on Monday night. The tickets sold out weeks ago and the night went so incredibly well! I can't wait to help organise next year's show now, it's going to be even bigger and better!

Boy news - they are still being dinosaurs (non existent/dead) and sloths (weird). I'm now considering marrying a woman.

Other news - I have discovered today that wearing a tight skirt and uncomfortable shoes results in you walking like you're drunk.

Good night from me and my elephant. x

P.s. remember to follow me on Twitter  

Rule No.46: Don't turn 25

I'm turning 25 in a few weeks and I already feel like it's going to be the start of something terrible. I have a smear test booked for the day after my birthday (vom). Not only this, but I will no longer be able to use my young persons railcard, which means I will have to pay FULL PRICE for my train tickets.

Can it get any worse?

Yes, but I can't think of any other reasons why yet...

It definitely won't get any better on the guy front anyway. Especially if I keep scaring guys off. I messaged a guy on Tinder last night saying 'I am a hippy'.

I blame gin. 

I'm obviously not a hippy, but after consuming a lot of gin and after spinning fire poi for three hours I began to believe that I was.

Look at me!

Interestingly though, the Tinder guy actually replied and asked me out for a drink. Maybe he likes hippies... I on the other hand don't want to go for a drink with him, so I haven't replied.

That's right Jay-Z, I have 99 problems and guys are definitely one. In fact,  I have many guy related problems:

1) I very rarely like anyone
2) I get put off easily (e.g. if they like Branston Pickle)
3) When I do like someone, they don't like me

4) When someone likes me, I don't like them
5) I send guys random messages thinking I'm funny, but actually they just think I'm a weirdo
6) I attract weirdos (yes I do realise that I have just referred to myself as a weirdo too)
7) I'm genuinely scared I have bigger muscles than a lot of guys

The diet isn't getting any better either.

My colleague bought us some biscuits this afternoon and my director PURPOSELY put them on my desk. 

I don't think I did too badly. I had one Rich Tea biscuit, one Viscount and two Fingers. It could have been a lot worse.

I am definitely impressed with myself for not eating a Hobnob.

Right, I'm off to bed.

Guten nacht x

Rule No. 43: Don't get upset, boys are like dinosaurs

I didn't end up going to the silent speed dating on Friday night. I couldn't face the awkwardness when all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I love lying down. So I went home and watched a film in bed whilst eating a BBQ chicken pizza with a ridiculous amount of garlic dip.

Heaven.

I doubt I would have met the love of my life anyway...especially when all I could do was mime or make noises. I would have got nervous and started snorting like a pig.

I know it's strange, but I'm so glad it's been raining recently. I'm one of those weirdos that actually quite likes the cold. Plus, when it's raining the ducks are happy, the plants are happy, the clouds are happy to be lighter and I'm happy to be inside nice and dry. Of course I agree that being outside sucks, especially without an umbrella, but when people are outside and you're inside it's amazing.

For once I didn't go out Saturday night, Abi came over and I sat with my 'I Love Porn' tshirt on, my harem trousers that I bought in Thailand, socks with holes in that I should have thrown out years ago and my big red fluffy dressing gown on that makes me look like a big giant tomato. We watched XFactor, Through The Keyhole and Starter For 10, and drank red wine. 

Earlier on in the evening I practised my fire poi so I did actually leave the house for a bit.  The only problem with fire poi is it makes me look like a car mechanic afterwards. I smell like one too.

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that men have become extinct. The reason I have come to this conclusion is because I know at least three friends that have been texting/dating a guy, and the guy has all of a sudden stopped texting them (for no reason as far as they know). Therefore, I think they might be like dinosaurs, they must have all died. That's the only thing I can think of. Why else would they stop contacting them? My friends are awesome. 

Boys are a weird species. 

I was supposed to be going on a date today, which didn't happen. Not sure why. Again, boys are weird. However, I'm glad it got cancelled because I look like Rudolph.

For now my plug in air freshener is going to be the only thing in my room that smells like a man. I didn't actually realise it was going to smell like a man when I bought it, but I'm pleasantly surprised. I know that sounds creepy, but it is nice coming home from work and having a manly smell in my room.

OMG I'M SUCH A WEIRDO.  

As well as looking like a red nosed reindeer, I've also noticed recently that I have eyes like a cow. 

Surely you can see where I'm coming from?!

Night x

Rule No.23: If you want it then just get it*

I've just been shoppiiiiiing! Well, technically I exchanged something and upgraded by an extra £50...to nice new handbag. Woooo.

Personally I think it was a necessary purchase. If you saw the post 'Rule No.18' then you would have seen my other handbag, it had a big hole in it and a shoe lace as the zip head...I'm going to ignore the fact I could have fixed the hole and bought a new zip head because I LOVE my new bag, AND it has a side strap. Everyone needs a side strap. And, it looks posh and I want to be posh, or at least a little bit posh.

When I was browsing in Topshop tonight a denim crop top caught my eye. I was about to go over to look at it when a girl shouted to her mum "eerrgghh, can you believe someone would actually buy this?". I immediately changed direction and didn't look at the top. Oh the shame. I thought it was nice!! (She obviously had boring taste...)

I'm sorry to break it to you, but I'm going Italy on Sunday (YEESSSS). I'm going to Lake Garda with my house mate, and I can't bloody wait. I realised this morning that it will be the first time in three years that I'll be going on a holiday and not having to travel around everywhere. I can just chill and do nothing. I can actually take a suitcase and not a backpack! Oh, the luxury.

To add to my excitement I took a client to get a pedicure today so my feet are nice and my nails are bright pink. Also, Freya kindly sent me three bikinis for my holiday so I now have some beautiful bikinis to wear. Yea I know, you hate me.

Don't worry, I promise to blog from Italy (as long as I have wifi in the hotel). You're going to want to punch the photos of me lying by the pool and eating loads of tiramisu though. Muhahaha.

I have caveated todays rule as I don't believe you should always get what you want, but I do think that sometimes you should just do it. Like my handbag. I can afford it, so why not? If I was in debt then I wouldn't have got it, but I'm not, so bugger it. I WANTED IT. And today, I had made a salad for lunch but when lunchtime came around all I could think about was a chicken buritto. And, I know myself well enough to know that once I start thinking about a buritto then I won't stop thinking about a buritto. So I got one.

As long as you don't give in all of the time then I believe you definitely should on occasion. The other day I tried to avoid giving in...I'd already had dinner, but I really wanted a crumpet. I instead had a plum, but I wasn't satisfied so I had another plum. I ended up eating three plums and then still had the crumpet. It had got to the point where I wasn't going to stop eating things until I got my crumpet. Therefore, I should have just had one straight away. Silly bridget.

Anyway, if I get really fat then I can just follow Peter Griffin's rule. I think he has a valid point.

Actually, I'll be honest, I don't want to be round. Being short and round is not a good look. Have you ever heard anyone say "she was really fit, she was so short and round, it was really sexy". No, that's right, you haven't. I can't be round, I'm already short and I can't do anything about that.

My friend Ben has persuaded me to sign up to a silent speed dating night with him. It's not until 13 September, but OMG it's going to be the most awkward thing ever. Can you imagine anything worse than sitting in front of a complete stranger in silence? I would just have fits of giggles. The guy would probably be sitting there really seriously and I'll be snorting with laughter like a pig on laughing gas. I might have to wear a muzzle.

Good night x

Rule No.19: If you're thirsty then drink water, not wine

Don't hate me!

Sorry I haven't posted anything for two days. I went out with work on Thursday night, which consisted of A LOT of wine and champagne. We were on a roof terrace in the 32 degree heat and it was so hot we just kept drinking more and more wine. I probably should have drank some water to quench my thirst as I'm pretty sure I consumed at least two bottles of rosé and half a bottle of champagne. I was going to write a post when I got home, but I stopped myself...it would have consisted of a lot splling erors and thins tat dont mayk sens.

Last night I went for a few drinks with some of the girls (the wolfpack) after work. Then, came home, had a curry with my housemates, watched 'There's Something About Mary' and then passed out.

To make it up to you here's a photo of me wearing a face mask.

Yes, I agree I look like the Mighty Boosh moon.

This probably doesn't come as a surprise to you, but I've deleted my Plenty Of Fish account. I only lasted three days and I didn't end up replying to that guy either. It is just full of TERRIBLE men. The final straw was when I got a message saying 'come and claim your prize'... I'm sorry everyone, I know you wanted me to go on random dates and tell you how horrendous they were, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Anyway, a girl at work (after a lot of champagne) announced that she thinks I'm going to marry someone called Henry. Apparently she thinks I need someone posh, as opposites attract...I presume that means she thinks I'm common..? Brilliant.

I had the most amazing lunch on Thursday at Granger and Co in Notting Hill, I really recommend it. The food was amazing, and we all shared this incredible pavlova. I WANT TO EAT IT AGAIN NOW.

On my way back to the office a wasp landed on my nose and it really stung. I was definitely seconds away from getting a massive sting on the end of my nose (which would have looked terrible). I think wasps are plotting to attack me after I killed two last Saturday night. To make matters worse I also saw Katie Waissel on the tube. Obviously I just sat there listening to my iPod as lets be honest it's a rubbish celeb spot (could you even call her a celeb?). I only noticed it was her because of her massive chin.

I also noticed on my journey back to the office that I tend to follow people that smell nice, male and female. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that does this?? To me it makes sense...if you're walking in the same direction you may as well follow something that smells good. Yes, that probably sounds a bit weird. I do recommend it though.

This morning has consisted of me lying on my bed in my pants sending snapchats to Aimee of my elephant (to anyone that hasn't read my previous posts, my elephant is my teddy bear...it's not a metaphor). It is ridiculously lame to admit this, but we've been snapchatting videos of our teddy bears pretending they are talking. It has actually been really funny, but feel free to think I'm an absolute weirdo.

...Tonight I'm going to 'really cool' house party in Old Street and then out in Dalston. I've only told you this so you might think I'm a little less odd.

I'm going to leave you with a great invention to encourage your kids to burn each others faces off.

What were they thinking???

I want one.

x

Rule No. 18: Sometimes you just have to accept that you attract weirdos

I warned you that today was going to be a big post and I wasn't lying...

I did something on Monday that you are going to love, but I'll tell you about that a bit later. First let me tell you about today as there have been a few bad impressions and awkward moments (this probably isn't a surprise).

This morning my colleague told me she had a headache, so being the kind person that I am I offered her some Ibuprofen. However, I didn't think to check the packet before giving it to her (why would you?). All of a sudden there was a loud "errrggghh". Yep, that's right, there was a used chewing gum stuck to the packet.

I genuinely do not know how the chewing gum got there. I wouldn't like to think that I would just spit my chewing gum out into my bag. To make the matter worse there was a long dark hair (mine) stuck to it, which then became attached to my colleagues thumb. Obviously we both laughed about it, everyone knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to get embarrassed, and she's not type to get repulsed easily. However, it wasn't the greatest moment and I am a little concerned that people will question my hygiene. Therefore, it has made me think that it could be a good idea (excuse) to buy a new handbag...my current one obviously isn't very clean. The massive hole at the top of it isn't very attractive either.

Awkward moment number two, which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to (and it's not just me for once). This afternoon I phoned a company director who I hadn't spoken to before. When they answered we obviously did the whole 'hello' thing, but I then went on to say "I'm good thank you, how are you?". The only problem is, they hadn't actually asked 'how are you?'. WHAT WAS MY BRAIN THINKING... You then have that awkward 'oh sorry, you didn't ask me that' moment, which then makes it sound like you're criticising them for not asking how you are. DIG ME OUT. 

I won't make you wait any longer.

I've joined Plenty of Fish.

Now, I haven't joined the site expecting any dates, but it's more for the banter. I have actually joined once before, as last year my housemate persuaded me to sign up with her. I went on one date and I ended up dating him for four months. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable four months either as he was a bit of a kn*b, and I don't really know why I bothered staying with him. I also discovered that he was cheating on me too, the absolute £$£@*%$£!!!!

Therefore, I'm not actually sure I even want to go on a date, but I thought I would just see what happens. And, oh boy you're going to love some of the messages I've received. I've had about fifty so far and I haven't replied to a single one. And, that isn't even me being fussy, they're just terrible. I would say that 95% of the guys haven't even bothered to read my profile and they definitely haven't bothered to think of a nice message to send. Please see examples below:

1) Hi babs
2) Hi
3) Hey lady says up
4) Baby, does G stand for gorgeous?
5) Hey
6) Hi sweete
7) Hello can we me you frand go out  (????)
8) Heya I'm Matt
9) Knock knock
10) Hi How are you? Hopefully the weather will sort it's self out

My absolute favourite is this guy:

 

No, unfortunately that isn't his profile picture. Damn. 

News flash...as I was scrolling through to find the worst messages to show you, I received a message from a guy that actually seems nice, he's also good looking and he has banter. This could be my first reply...

x