Rule No.84: Don't just nod and smile if you can't understand someone (unless that's your only option)

It's funny how clever our bodies can be, isn't it?

I set my alarm for an hour earlier than usual on Tuesday as I had lots to do that day. However, I turned it off in my sleep (not so clever) and woke up naturally at my normal time (clever). I was quite proud of myself for waking up and not being late for work, but annoyed at the same time that I wasn't going to be early. 

How did I turn my phone off in my sleep though? Obviously it was likely that I was awake, but just too tired whilst doing it to remember doing it. The point is, how did my body know to wake up an hour later at exactly the same time that I usually get up? 

It baffles me. 

Just like every morning when I get to my desk and type in my password to log in to my computer. I do it without even thinking. Yet, if someone asked me what my password was, I wouldn't know. I'd just get confused with all of my other millions of passwords, and I'd have to spend a good half an hour trying to work it out. However, my fingers seem to know what it is every single morning.

 

You know exactly what I'm going on about don't you!?

In other news, I went to the hairdressers yesterday after work so I am now free of split ends. I was really looking forward to sitting and relaxing with a coffee and a biscuit whilst getting my haircut. However, two things were wrong with this, 1) I didn't get given any sugar with my cappuccino 2) I didn't get a biscuit.

Now, I know I work in Soho, where most people live on smoothies and curly kale. And I know I shouldn't really have sugar in my coffee, never mind a biscuit on the side - especially as I'd already consumed four custard creams throughout the day. But, my ideal haircut experience was shattered. 

To make the haircut experience slightly more irritable, my hairdresser who was a very cute Italian guy would not stop talking. I don't think he stopped for breath for at least an hour. To make matters worse, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. At one point I wondered if he thought I was Italian and was actually speaking to me in Italian.

I nodded a lot, laughed a lot and pulled a shocked face in the places I thought were appropriate (I basically just copied his expressions). Yet, this wasn't 100% successful as I had a couple of awkward moments. For example, when I realised he had asked me a question as he paused for a while and stared at me for an answer. I don't think my answer was correct or even slightly related, but I'm pretty sure I managed to blag it. Either that or he was just being polite. 

Another horrific moment occurred when he pushed my head forward slightly so he could cut the back of my hair. I looked down and noticed my knees in the mirror... It was a very long mirror that went down to my ankles so the 'mirror ledge' was really low down, which meant I had to reach rather far for my sugarless cappuccino (I could probably have done with the extra stretch anyway - that counts as exercise, right?). Back to my knees. I couldn't help but realise they looked like raw sausages in tights. I have therefore discovered that I don't have any knees, they're just raw sausages that bend. 

I've now Googled exercises to get skinny knees. Apparently leg extensions, squats, lunges and step-ups are the best way to get them. I will therefore walk up the escalator in tube stations more often and I'm going to lunge when I walk around the office.

I may also sit like this at my desk:

 

Not sure how I would type though.

I'm going to leave you with tonight's tube experience... As I was writing the hairdresser scenario out on my phone I didn't realise but I had gently placed my hand on top of a young gentleman's hand. There was about five hands holding on to the same germ infested pole and for some reason his hand felt rather 'pole like' for a few seconds. To make matters worse I didn't think to say sorry and instead I just looked at him and moved my hand away slowly. None of this was on purpose, but I ended up looking like I was flirting outrageously, where really I was just too busy typing to think what the hell I was doing. 

He then kept smiling at me in a creepy, I want to stroke your hair kind of way and I felt rather vulnerable. 

I have therefore come to the conclusion that hand stroking is a great pulling technique. Well I think it could be. Maybe I should test it on a guy that isn't ten years younger than me and doesn't look like he hasn't washed for over a week.

Oh and also, you'll be excited to hear I have been given the official 'desk move coordinator' role on Friday. If you hadn't of guessed we're all moving desks in the office on Friday afternoon and I am in charge of making sure we pack everything up and label it correctly. I therefore feel important.

 

Good bye x

Rule No.83: Don't be concerned, but you could be a Neanderthal (OK, that's not a rule)

Did you know that lions and rhinos used to walk (would you say they 'walk'?) around Trafalgar Square 125,000 years ago? That's what I learnt yesterday. Also, hippos used to roam around the River Thames. Weird to think really. 

What's even weirder is that Neanderthals and homo sapiens used to sleep with each other so some of us could be part Neanderthal. It would probably explain a few things. 

I learnt all of this when I went to the 'Britain: One Million Years of the Human Story' exhibition at the Natural History Museum yesterday.

I then had a quick look round the V&A after. I'm a wannabe cultured young lady at the moment (probably not so much the lady). 

Last night I made fajitas for Heather, which I always feel is a family tradition even though I'm not at all Mexican. It's funny, now I keep getting mistaken for Mexican I'm starting to feel like I am Mexican. Maybe I should tell people to pretend to mistake me for Kelly Brook, then I might start looking and feeling like her.

Anyway, the fajitas were extremely good, if I do say so myself. 

They were actually the best fajitas I've ever had.

OK, that might be an exaggeration. 

Today I had four tickets to a film preview in Leicester Square. The film isn't out until the end of March so I'm not allowed to talk about it. But, what I will say is I'm not too sure why four adults (me and my friends) were so excited to get up early on a Sunday morning to watch a kids film. However, I must say we all really enjoyed it. 

Afterwards I went to the British Museum. I've never been before and it was really good! Out of all of the museums in London it's definitely one of the most 'grown up' ones. I was therefore rather proud of myself. Plus, THREE museums in one weekend is pretty good going.

This blog basically confirms that I deserve a medal. Or a trophy. Even better, a statue in the British Museum. Not a naked one though. My brother would probably say something like "yea, a statue in the Natural History Museum next to the gorillas". I don't blame him, that's what brothers do, but I'd much rather be with the dinosaurs. People queue an hour to see these and I like feeling special.

I will leave you with my Starbucks cup. I told them my name was Gina and this is what I got...

Apparently Gina was too hard to write...to be honest, the smiley face gave me a smiley face so I liked it.

Good night and hope you have a lovely Monday.

x

Rule No.82: You actually do learn something new everyday

In the past week I have learnt a number of things. This is the great thing about life, it teaches you valuable lessons: 

1) Never go for a wax in a salon where men get their hair cut. Apparently giving your name to the receptionist isn't enough... "oh yes, for a Brazilian?" Thanks. Now the two guys standing next to me know about it you stupid woman.

To add to this, when I was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the salon, the beautician appeared and shouted "Gina? For a Brazilian?" Now a total of nine men knew about it. Plus one woman. Why the salon had so many men get their hair cut there, I do not know. I blame valentines day. 

2) Don't write this story whilst you're on the tube. 

The guy next to me now knows about the wax. He also knows I'm writing about him and I feel awkward. STOP LOOKING AT MY PHONE. 

3) Drinking soft drinks instead of alcohol can actually be a good idea. 

I went to see Foals on Friday night. Aimee and I high fived each other after we got through security because we managed to sneak in an orange juice and coconut water. 

It was the first time I had ever been to a gig and not had my usual cider or Red Stripe. However, I liked waking up the next day without a hangover. Plus, I liked laughing with Aimee on the way home about how granny like we have become. 

Who high fives for sneaking in coconut water? Me apparently.

Oh god, I am pathetic.

4) Think before you speak. And listen carefully (yes, that's two things).

On my fourth date (yes, that's right FOURTH) on Saturday night the guy said during our conversation on the type of people living in different areas of London (I agree it doesn't sound thrilling), "yea, they're the class above". In my slightly gin intoxicated state I thought he said "they're class bruv". I therefore replied rather loudly in a rude boi voice "YES BRUV". To which baffled, he said "did you just call me bruv?" 

That's right, I called him bruv. 

I do have a fifth date though.

5) Making Moroccan food is expensive. 

I spent £36 on ingredients to make dinner for my housemates on Sunday. Mainly because I didn't own tahini, harissa, cinnamon, cumin, fresh ginger... This kind of stuff is EXPENSIVE. However, it was worth it and I proved to myself and my housemates that I can actually cook. I also know what tahini and harissa is now...as if you thought I knew before!?!

6) My brother shouldn't trust me (and I shouldn't trust myself) to take my nephew to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. 

My nephew got himself a plateful of chips, battered chicken and a poppadom (strange Chinese buffet I know). I did try to get him to put some broccoli on his plate, but he knew that I'm too soft and he just helped himself to some more chips. 

He then had three helpings of ice cream.

At least he doesn't think I'm like Miss Trunchbull I suppose...

7) If you're going to wear a long coat then make sure your skirt is longer than it. You may otherwise look like you forgot to put a skirt on. 

Yes, that is a Vietnamese style hat. No, I do not know why I bought it.

8) Don't 'swear on your life' when you're actually lying. I'm now scared I'm going to die after a random guy stopped me and asked if I had any money to buy one of his reggae CDs.

To be fair I only had £1, which I don't think he would have appreciated anyway... (I still might die)

Good bye.

x

Rule No.81: Cool people don't celebrate Valentines Day

It's valentines day. The day most women in the office receive flowers, chocolates and balloons. And as I work for three women's magazines, this is a lot of women. For the past three valentines days that I have worked here I have so far received a packet of love hearts from my previous manager, who is gay. 

This year is no different. Yet I do have a fourth date tomorrow so I'm definitely in a more positive situation than last year. I would say last year was the worst valentines day yet. Splitting up with my boyfriend two weeks before then having another ex boyfriend (slightly psycho) call my work phone, ask if it's me then hang up, wasn't the most romantic gesture. In fact I was in so much rage I had to buy a chicken burrito to calm me down. 

Tonight I'm going to see Foals at Alexandra Palace with Abi and Aimee. We're cool like that. Aimee even has a boyfriend, which is one of the many reasons why I love her. #foalsbeatballs

I think when it comes to friends there's six main categories. 

1) The first person you call when you have great news. Consequently, the first person you also call when you're crying into your pillow 

2) The one you know will always be up for getting drunk 

3) The one that is always with their boyfriend, but you enjoy catching up with her when she wants to be with someone other than her boyfriend 

4) The one who you're not really sure how she became your friend because you're so different, but despite this you love everything about her 

5) The one (usually many) you've known for years and will always be a friend even though you might not see them often, but when you do it's like you haven't been apart 

6) The one (hundreds) you're friends with on Facebook, sometimes stalk, but have no further interest in. You probably wouldn't even say hello (unless drunk) if you saw them in the street 

I think all six are vital. I wouldn't say number six is a friend, but they're vital stalk material. Especially the ones that think their life is over everyday because work is busy, or they've ran out of pies at the local chippy. These people provide me with entertainment and generally make me feel good about my life.

Now I hope you have a romantic day. And if you don't, you're not alone. I'm currently treating myself to a salmon and cream cheese bagel and tonight I'll be with two of my best friends drinking cider and having men sweat all over me. And not in a sexual way. 

I have worn a dress with hearts on it today though. Well, I didn't want to look too lonely and bitter. 

 

I'm also going to leave you with this as I love everything about it.

Bye x

Rule No.80: Don't bother trying to take a nice photo when it's windy

This week has been the week of the watering eye. It's just one eye and it won't stop. I've been on the way to work with fresh make up on and tears streaming down one cheek. It's been a massive pain in the arse and pretty embarrassing. Do you think it might be because something is happening? Like when your ear burns? I hope it means I'm going to become rich.

It has also been the week of the peeling lips. Generally my lips decide to peel once a week, which has always worried me a little. However, this week it has been EVERYDAY. The main reason I'm worrying is because snakes shed their skin so they can grow (and get rid of parasites). If my lips are doing the same then I am going to end up with each lip the same size as a banana. 

I think they've already grown.

I'm going to ignore the parasite bit as I'm pretty sure I don't have any parasites on my lips.

In other news, I sold Superman yesterday and I miss him already. He sold for £1 on eBay, but to be honest it wasn't about the money. I just wanted him to go to a good home. Yes, that's right he was like a pet to me. When I answered the door to the woman collecting Superman she said her five year old son was in the car. He didn't know what they were picking up and I could see him looking out of the car window, excited with anticipation. I felt like I'd done a very good deed. It would have been the equivalent to me getting a cardboard cut out of Stephen Gately when I was nine. That would have been INCREDIBLE.

Little did the woman know that underneath my zip up jumper was an 'I love porn tshirt', and underneath my jeans I was still wearing my pj bottoms. Sometimes I worry that my university student habits will never leave me. I even went to the post box with my slippers on when it was RAINING. Obviously my feet got completely soaked and the slippers had to go in the wash. Why was I such a lazy IDIOT? All I had to do was put some shoes on!

Once I was showered and finally out of my pyjamas I went on a third date. Then I went out for my friend Amy's birthday. We went to STK at the ME hotel, which was a surreal experience. It was like a scene out of TOWIE. I even witnessed a woman in a skin tight dress revealing a very large (fake) cleavage, and extremely tanned skin, dance around her husband like he was a pole. He just sat there drinking his champagne and eating his steak as he admired his wife. This was in the middle of a rather expensive restaurant.

I have never enjoyed watching people so much in my life. It was brilliant.

Later on we went to the Radio Rooftop Bar, where Aimee and I took this amazing picture.

I honestly don't understand why we haven't been snapped up as models yet.

Good bye x

Rule No.79: Don't completely lose faith in humanity

Let's start with the thing I know you'll be most eager to hear about.

The zoo was good.

Ten minutes after meeting my date (still to be left nameless) a photographer working at the zoo asked to take our photo, "smile you two". I could feel the awkwardness between us, but as I love awkwardness and as I am also a massive poser in photos I just smiled and did my 'Gina pose'. We didn't actually see the photo so who knows what it looked like, but I probably looked more like Susan Boyle than Kate Moss.

To sum up the day at zoo I've decided it's probably best to focus on both the good things and the embarrassing things that happened. I'll start with the good:

1) We saw every single animal possible
2) I stroked a goat

The embarrassing things:

1) We witnessed a big scary gorilla jump on top of a female gorilla and put his two fingers up her bum (this was both awkward and embarrassing to watch)
2) Immediately after this happened a man shouted to me "I'm sorry my daughter has her hand up your skirt"
3) A monkey jumped and nearly landed on my head so I screamed like an absolute drama queen and people genuinely laughed at me...including my date
4) A camel blew sawdust all over me and my date had to pick it out of my hair... a bit like an ape picking fleas
5) I saw a rat and freaked out. I screamed really loudly and did a really strange shuffle dance to get away. I genuinely don't think I've been that scared for years. My date found it hilarious, I did not
6) I tripped over, panicked and grabbed my dates hand by accident. Actually this wasn't too bad, but it was rather forward
7) I told my date the story of how happy I was to pick up my duvet from the dry cleaners on Saturday. I instantly regretted sharing the story

I think that's about it.

Anyway, I still haven't put him off as I have date two tonight. However, that's all I'm going to share with you for a while now I'm afraid. Mainly because a) I don't want to jinx it and b) I don't want him to find this and think I'm a freak writing about it. 

Moving on...

I'm not sure if you've seen the below already, it's one of those crappy things that always seem to get shared on Facebook. However, this one intrigued me:

When I first saw this I expected to see thousands of comments saying "Ryan Gosling", "George Clooney, "Kelly Brook"...you get the idea. However, not one comment (I probably read about 80) included a celebrity, instead they named a member of their family or a friend. It was so heartwarming to see how many people cherish their family and friends. I genuinely felt that my faith in humanity was lifted slightly. It seems One Direction aren't going to rule the world after all.

Just in case you were interested, I would sit with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Jokes, I would sit with my grandma of course.

I would share a bed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt though. 

In other news, I now have a tongue scraper...not sure why they exist to be honest, but my colleague got it from a press event and left it on my desk. She thought out of everyone on my team I'd be the one to actually want it. She was right.

I will carry on using it even though I'm not sure if I'm using it right and I'm not really sure what it does.

I'm going to leave you with what I came home to last night. I have great housemates. This was courtesy of Lucy. I LOVE PIE.

Apart from the pie I've actually stuck to eating healthily, even though I have had to hold back the tears whilst eating my homemade soup at lunch, WITHOUT bread. That's right, WITHOUT BREAD. 

good bye x

Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x