Rule No.93: Don't Let Men Order Things Unless You Also Want To Turn Into A Man

So...having a boyfriend for over nine months has resulted in me walking around with my trousers unbuttoned without shame. Not in a pervy way. In an 'I've eaten a burger and chips and my belly is too full, I need to breath and I don't care if people think I'm weird' kind of way. 

I don't think I've actually put on weight, but I would be lying if I thought a salad diet wouldn't be a good idea. I have been walking through Covent Garden with my trousers undone after all...

Now I didn't want to begin my blog with an apology, so I haven't, but now I'm ready... I am sorry for the lack of blogging. 

As I'm sure you can sympathise, it's hard to find the time and the energy. And in the past few months I've had a lot going on. One thing particularly that has been taking up my time is Breaking Bad and if you have already watched Breaking Bad then you'll understand.

Joking aside, any spare time I've had I have wanted to lie down and play sleeping lions. I've been tired.

But now I'm back.

If you're not friends with me on Facebook then I need to fill you in. My boyfriend (still feels weird that I actually have one. A nice one. Miracle.) took me to Barcelona for my birthday! I mean seriously, this guy is good. 

I've never really been to Spain before though, unless you count Magaluf. Therefore, my Spanish is lacking. Seriously lacking. For example, on the first night in Barcelona in a busy 'hip' bar I accidentally used the men's toilets because I presumed 'H' stood for women and 'M' for men.

I had a suspicion that I had made the wrong choice when I got into the cubicle and saw the toilet seat up and wee splashed everywhere (I still went to the toilet - I hovered). Then when I went to wash my hands a gentleman came and stood next to me. It was there that it was 100% confirmed I was currently standing in the men's bathroom.

Despite this, my trip to Barcelona was bloody amazing. My boyfriend isn't perfect though...tonight I came home to my new (and last because I'm now too old) 17-25 young persons railcard. When ordering it Archie had offered to fill in the online form for me whilst I was in the shower. A lovely gesture, but I now regret taking up this offer.

I am now a man.

It reminded me of the time my dad thought 'name on card' meant 'name of card' when booking a hotel room. We therefore had to check in at the hotel as the 'Goldfish' family. I was about 12 at the time and had a wannabe 'street cred' to maintain so this was deeply upsetting.

The moral of the story? Don't let men book or order things unless you want to be turned into a man. Or a goldfish. 

Bye x

Rule No.88: Don't serenade someone when you sound like a tone deaf baboon

Today I attempted to make my own juice for breakfast. This resulted in me sitting at my desk forcing bright green lumpy slush down my throat, whilst trying not to choke on small chunks of celery. 

What I have mainly learnt from this is that you need to make sure you've blended the juice enough before drinking it. Secondly, there's a reason people use a juicer and not a blender to make juice (the hint is in the name). However, I'm not going to give up as I have a fridge full of vegetables so I'm going to have the joyful task of sieving it tomorrow morning...

I must say the cucumber, celery, kale and apple concoction wasn't too bad. Even if the reactions from my colleagues when they saw it were "ergh, what is that green slime?","are you actually drinking that?", and my favourite, "it looks like liquidised bogeys". 

You wait, tomorrow they'll be jealous of my new sieved creation. 

Anyway, I have news from this weekend... after drinking a pint of bitter, two white wines and three cocktails at my friend, Suze's, birthday drinks on Saturday, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I loved him (we had previously gone as far as 'I really like you'). It was far from romantic. We were stood outside Londis on Clapham High Street and I was talking about the fact he gets on so well with my friends, and I blurted out, "see that's why I love you". I then realised what I had said and went on to say, "Oh wait, I just said that I loved you... I do though'. 

Luckily, after a pause that felt like the most embarrassing eternity, he said it back. And then he said it again on Sunday morning. And then he said it again today. Therefore, I don't think I need to feel embarrassed anymore. Except for the fact I sang the Moulin Rouge version of 'Your Song' to him last night. This time I wasn't drunk. I think I mainly did it because I wanted to make up for the unromantic Londis situation. I think it worked, although he did screw up his face when I attempted to sing the higher notes.

I got a sympathetic round of applause though.

In other news, I have found the best website for anyone that loves dogs but hasn't got a dog of their own. Of course I have a profile.Well actually that's a lie, my housemate has a profile. That way she has the responsibility of looking after the dog and I can just stroke it. Perfect.

Www.borrowmydoggy.com

Bye x

Rule No.81: Cool people don't celebrate Valentines Day

It's valentines day. The day most women in the office receive flowers, chocolates and balloons. And as I work for three women's magazines, this is a lot of women. For the past three valentines days that I have worked here I have so far received a packet of love hearts from my previous manager, who is gay. 

This year is no different. Yet I do have a fourth date tomorrow so I'm definitely in a more positive situation than last year. I would say last year was the worst valentines day yet. Splitting up with my boyfriend two weeks before then having another ex boyfriend (slightly psycho) call my work phone, ask if it's me then hang up, wasn't the most romantic gesture. In fact I was in so much rage I had to buy a chicken burrito to calm me down. 

Tonight I'm going to see Foals at Alexandra Palace with Abi and Aimee. We're cool like that. Aimee even has a boyfriend, which is one of the many reasons why I love her. #foalsbeatballs

I think when it comes to friends there's six main categories. 

1) The first person you call when you have great news. Consequently, the first person you also call when you're crying into your pillow 

2) The one you know will always be up for getting drunk 

3) The one that is always with their boyfriend, but you enjoy catching up with her when she wants to be with someone other than her boyfriend 

4) The one who you're not really sure how she became your friend because you're so different, but despite this you love everything about her 

5) The one (usually many) you've known for years and will always be a friend even though you might not see them often, but when you do it's like you haven't been apart 

6) The one (hundreds) you're friends with on Facebook, sometimes stalk, but have no further interest in. You probably wouldn't even say hello (unless drunk) if you saw them in the street 

I think all six are vital. I wouldn't say number six is a friend, but they're vital stalk material. Especially the ones that think their life is over everyday because work is busy, or they've ran out of pies at the local chippy. These people provide me with entertainment and generally make me feel good about my life.

Now I hope you have a romantic day. And if you don't, you're not alone. I'm currently treating myself to a salmon and cream cheese bagel and tonight I'll be with two of my best friends drinking cider and having men sweat all over me. And not in a sexual way. 

I have worn a dress with hearts on it today though. Well, I didn't want to look too lonely and bitter. 

 

I'm also going to leave you with this as I love everything about it.

Bye x

Rule No.73: Don't buy chocolate covered cheese

A causally late Happy New Year. 

After 12 hours sleep last night I have finally recovered from Poland. I don't think anyone should consume as much vodka as I did. I honestly think if I had drunk any more my body would have just blown up. Not that it's stopping me from going out tonight. Single ladies cannot just stay at home on a Saturday night. Fact.  

Anyway, NYE in Krakow was ace. I was with great people in a town filled with cheap but tasty vodka, polish sausage and mulled wine. However, the only non alcoholic thing I drank all day was a coffee so the next day my liver hated me. And my kidneys hated me. And my head. And my skin. And most likely my stomach. My throat wasn't too happy either. However, after three days of detoxing I'm feeling pretty lively, plus I've actually drank water and eaten vegetables again.

A lot can happen in Krakow in three days and a lot definitely happened. Therefore, I thought it was probably best to create a list. 

1)  We witnessed men using plastic forks to eat from a bin (sober).

2) A homeless woman opened my legs to crawl between them and reach for a key under the bench I was sitting on. She then grabbed my knee to help stand herself up again. She didn't even talk to me, not that I would have understood her.

3) Suze sat down on a chair in a bar and it completely broke. Instead of helping her as she lay on the floor we pointed and laughed. But, that's what 'true' friends do...well maybe we should have helped her.

4) We bought all of the below for £10. Yes that includes the vodka.

5) An Austrian woman took a photograph of me (without asking) and sent it to her 35 year old son. She couldn't speak English, but her friend translated that she thought I'd be a perfect match. I'm still a bit confused how this romance was supposed to happen?

6) I bought some mistletoe to create some funny photos (and snogs) and then got pounced on by Jade. The mistletoe wasn't even in the air!!! I'm obviously just too irresistible. 

7) Two Italian men came over to speak to the four of us when we were sitting on a wall drinking mulled wine. One really liked Suze and said to me 'can you please move somewhere else so I can sit next to your friend'. Bloody charming. 

8) I had the worst pillow at the hostel. It was like sleeping on a flat brick. 

9) Suze and Jade had to buy ear plugs on our second day so they could sleep through mine and Aimee's snoring (particularly mine...I had a cold). 

10) Suze thought it would be a good idea to buy chocolate covered Camembert. It definitely wasn't. 

11) I got a kiss off two Italian men just after midnight. The two on the back left.

Such an international PIMP.

I also need to point out that Jade is once again using the mistletoe. 

12) I had a polish sausage at 4am on New Years Day. Therefore it was the first food I consumed in 2014 and I'm proud of it. 

13) We all decided to get on the first tram that arrived at our stop instead of using our common sense and looking at a map. We ended up in the middle of nowhere and it was scary, it was like the Krakow ghetto. We jumped on another random tram and again ended up in the middle of nowhere. We did this a third time before giving up and getting a taxi to our hostel. Never again shall we use the YOLO method of catching trams.

This is our 'we're cold and lost, but trying to stay happy face'. I didn't manage to get in the selfie, but you can see a bit of my hair and hat.

I'm going to leave you with my New Years resolutions: 

1) Don't swear so much
2) Become more ladylike

3) Actually do some exercise 

4) Watch TV (I feel socially awkward that I can't join in on TV conversations with people. I only watch max an hour a week)
5) Get a boyfriend

So far in three days I've only stuck to number 4.

LAD.

x

Rule No.70: Don't wear red dresses in December. Unless you want to look like Santa.

This week I discovered that I can fit five Lindt balls in my mouth. 

Yes, I know that if they were unwrapped I'd be able to fit more in, but I wanted to refrain from consuming 60 million calories. Plus, I'm one of those weird people that doesn't actually like them very much.

It has also been the week that I got free tickets to see Boyzone at the O2. I'm a big believer that if you don't ask then you don't get (common sense really). Therefore, I asked a PR company if they had any spare tickets and they did, so they gave them to me. Whoop. I took my friend Amy, which was a great surprise as I didn't expect anyone would actually want to go. However, the fact we were in a box with free wine and free food was probably the deciding factor.

Burger, wine and Boyzone. Heaven.

They were the band that I was most obsessed with as a child, I used to go to sleep every night wishing I could marry Stephen Gately. You can imagine how heart broken I was when he announced that he was gay. All of a sudden the dream of marrying him and having lots of little Stephens running around was completely shattered.

I remember getting my first Boyzone tshirt when I was about nine. My friend Jo gave me hers because she knew how obsessed I was with them. What a true friend. I wore it to school nearly everyday. I still can't believe my parents and my teachers let me wear it in the end of year school photo.

Yes, I did look like a boy.

In other news, an incident occurred yesterday morning and now I'm scared that I might go to hell. The doorbell went, which usually I would just ignore because it's generally someone pressing the wrong buzzer. However, yesterday I thought it could be the postman so I hurriedly went to answer it. However, to my surprise it was Jehovah's Witnesses -  a young man (approx. 18 yrs old) and his dad. They told me that they wanted to spread the love of God... I was standing there in my pyjamas, which consisted of shorts and a tight white (rather see-through) tshirt and no bra on. I also had no makeup on and my hair looked like a birds nest that had fallen from a tree, and then been repeatedly stamped on. I quickly tried to hide behind my front door, but the poor boy had already witnessed the disgusting sight. He didn't know where to look. No one should have had to witness this. I honestly don't know why I didn't think to at least put on a jumper before I answered the door. 

Anyway, I took a leaflet from the terrified guy, wished him and his dad a Merry Christmas and quickly closed the door.  I have definitely learnt my lesson, I am never answering the door looking like that EVER again. I don't even know why I thought it would be OK to open the door like that to the postman?!

Moving on...

Christmas.

It's a funny time of year isn't it?! I wore a red dress on Friday and I'm pretty sure people thought I was trying to dress like Mrs Claus. I wasn't even trying to be festive, I just like the dress. However, I've come to the conclusion that red dresses are not allowed to be worn in December. Someone should make this rule more clear, which is why it is my rule number 70. You can thank me by sending flowers.

You're welcome.

One other massive fact is that Christmas is the time of year where people want to fall/be in love. They want to recreate Love Actually, The Holiday...they want to hold hands whilst walking in the snow, they want to drink mulled wine together and of course share a German sausage. However, I definitely do not. I especially wouldn't want to SHARE a German sausage, I want one TO MYSELF. You see, the years when I have had a boyfriend at Christmas have actually been the worst ones. I'm sure this won't always be the case and the fact is that I have just had bad luck, but this year I'm very much looking forward to being alone.

One year my boyfriend wasn't talking to me because he got it into his head that I was cheating on him whilst back in Coventry. I mean, the only male that I was snuggling up to was my dog. And last year my boyfriend didn't speak to me all Christmas day because he was too busy spending it with the girl he was cheating on me with.

However, because it's Christmas, some strange things have occurred. Surely this hasn't just happened to me? In the past two days my ex boyfriend got in contact, a guy I dated for a while also contacted me AND another guy left me a voice mail on Friday night. The voice mail was of him singing 'Oasis - Supersonic' whilst playing guitar. He even changed the line so it said "Gina, you make me laugh". Some would say this was quite romantic, but let's be honest, if they were actually interested they would have done something about it by now. Christmas does funny things to people. Or maybe I'm just an idiot?

  

Actually, there is something that might happen. I am thinking about doing my first ever YouTube video for you, and the debut would be on Christmas Day. This maybe a ridiculously bad idea, but hey it's Christmas...

P.s. I have a red spot on my nose again. Perfect time of year to look like Rudolph.

x

Rule No.30: Don't listen to Michael Bublé when you're sad

I'm currently sitting on a train back to London, listening to Michael Bublé - Home. I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!

Neither does Heather. 

I'm seriously considering doing what Colin Firth did in Love Actually...move out to Italy and write a book (or did he go to Spain?). Then fall in love with my Italian servant. Actually, I'll edit that bit of the movie...I'll fall in love with an Italian book publisher that owns a yacht and plays guitar. We can then sail around all day eating watermelon. 

Oh, I miss the watermelon. A waiter at the hotel used to bring me a piece every afternoon whilst I was lying like a whale on my sun lounger. 

I miss laying there and staring at the mountains. From now on I will only have a post office to look out at from my bedroom window...what a contrast. Maybe I should paint some mountains on my window.

I also miss Yari, the hotel pianist. For our last night he played all of our favourite songs (without us even asking) and he changed the names in one song to Gina and Heather. So cute! 

Here he is: 

On the plane back we had a pretty frightful experience. It was like something out of a horror movie. It kept moving. 

Poor child. He was peacefully sleeping while we were laughing/freaking out. 

Right I'm going to stare out of the window and daydream. Well it's not like I have anyone to talk to...

Our 4am start has obviously worn her out. Either that or I'm ridiculously boring. Probably both. 

Bye x