Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Rule No.95: Mutually Beneficial Presents Are The Best Ones To Buy

Warning, this post is not ladylike.
I'm sorry.

It's not long until Christmas, which is great because now my ever increasing belly (caused by high alcohol and food consumption) looks 'festive' - well, I look like Father Christmas.

It's alright though, you get away with wearing big jumpers in winter so after Christmas I can just layer up as much as possible.

I presume I'm not on my own here?

People will just think we're wearing lots of layers...with fat underneath.

Anyway, I've just come back from a weekend away with Archie (my luckyish bf) to Bath, where I had arranged a spa weekend for his birthday. The perfect present, because a) he once mentioned it would be nice to go to a spa and I remembered b) I got to enjoy the present too. This is the best type of present buying, mutual beneficial ones. I recommend it.

During the weekend we ate a lot, and when I say a lot I mean LOADS. However, we thought it was necessary after we swam four slow lengths in the pool at the spa. It's surprising what swimming can do to you, even granny swimming. WE WERE STARVING. The problem was though, we ate so much at dinner that we became ridiculously full. Then when we got back to the hotel room we just had to lie on the bed with our bellies sticking out, watching TV.

Uncomfortable fullness to the extreme.

(This is where it becomes unladylike)

We both decided that maybe we should go to the toilet (the toilet, toilet) because we felt THAT full and uncomfortable. However, after I asked Archie if he could leave the hotel room for a while and he declined, I made him listen to loud music with headphones in and wear my hat to reduce any possible way his ears could hear anything from the bathroom.

He did...

Romance at its best.

If it improves the situation, I did fall asleep with my head on his chest and my arm wrapped round him. But, he did tell me in the morning that I snored all night... Romance points are still 0 from me.

Actually wait, we held hands on the pool sun loungers. Two points.

And the weekend was ace. Bath gets 10/10.

To change the subject and to quickly finish as I need run for my train... a message to all of you sods at home with your family already, I hope you're bored. I'm just leaving work and about to get my the train to COV, which does mean I'll be listening to BublĂ© on repeat all of the way. I can't wait.

And of course me and my parents are going for a curry as soon as I arrive. SCORE.

Have a merry Christmas, and remember, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL PRESENTS. x


Monday, 10 November 2014

Rule No.94: Dating A Younger Guy Has Consequences

So I've decided that Americans think I'm old.

Mainly because I didn't get asked for ID once whilst in New York. NOT ONCE (this might not sound like a big thing for someone who is actually 26, but in America, particularly New York, they ID everyone. EVERYONE - but me).

To add to this, whenever we ordered a beer and a lemonade (beer for Archie, lemonade for me...I had a cold at the beginning of the holiday) they would give me the beer. EVERY TIME. 

I've also decided that they think Archie is a child, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth. Not only was I never ID'd, but Archie was even asked if he wanted a childs menu (slightly awkward).

Therefore, do they think I'M HIS PARENT?!? 

My usual bad luck continued in New York. Not that we let it bother us...you know the usual...get tickets for the top of the Rock and there wass 0% visibility, go to the New York library and the main room is closed, go to MOMA and the main exhibition is not on, go to Shake Shack and it's closed for five months... But, it's ok, I bought a Michael Kors coat and was given SEVENTY percent off by a confused shop assistant. Swings and roundabouts.

Anyway, I love 'real' New Yorkers, I'm not talking about the types that work on Wall Street, I'm talking about the REAL New Yorkers. The types that shout "you smell guuuud miss lady" as I walk past. The type that shout "DID YOU SEE THAAAT? I SEE THAAAT!" When a rat ran across the street. 

I also love chicken and waffles with maple syrup. And pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. And tacos with shrimp. And big hotdogs. And just all tacos.

Talking about tacos, I also had quite a few people think I'm South American...people greeted me in shops with "ola" and when I responded "hello" in a British accent they looked like I'd just revealed I was from out of space.

A South American woman even picked me out on the subway to ask for directions in Spanish, I replied "sorry, I'm English" and she looked baffled - like I was actually a dinosaur, or something.

I felt disappointed that I wasn't living up to my looks. 

Since being back I've actually been quite chirpy. It definitely helped that I only had to work two days before it was the weekend and boy did I take advantage of the weekend. I woke up at 1.30pm and then left the flat without makeup and no bra to go to Sainsbury's...don't worry the braless boobs were hidden with a coat. 

I must say...not wearing a bra is only good when you're chilling on the sofa or in bed thouh. When you're walking it is NOT GOOD. I felt like I was being punched in the chest everytime I made a step. Never again.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Rule No.93: Don't Let Men Order Things Unless You Also Want To Turn Into A Man

So...having a boyfriend for over nine months has resulted in me walking around with my trousers unbuttoned without shame. Not in a pervy way. In an 'I've eaten a burger and chips and my belly is too full, I need to breath and I don't care if people think I'm weird' kind of way. 

I don't think I've actually put on weight, but I would be lying if I thought a salad diet wouldn't be a good idea. I have been walking through Covent Garden with my trousers undone after all...

Now I didn't want to begin my blog with an apology, so I haven't, but now I'm ready... I am sorry for the lack of blogging. 

As I'm sure you can sympathise, it's hard to find the time and the energy. And in the past few months I've had a lot going on. One thing particularly that has been taking up my time is Breaking Bad and if you have already watched Breaking Bad then you'll understand.

Joking aside, any spare time I've had I have wanted to lie down and play sleeping lions. I've been tired.

But now I'm back.

If you're not friends with me on Facebook then I need to fill you in. My boyfriend (still feels weird that I actually have one. A nice one. Miracle.) took me to Barcelona for my birthday! I mean seriously, this guy is good. 

I've never really been to Spain before though, unless you count Magaluf. Therefore, my Spanish is lacking. Seriously lacking. For example, on the first night in Barcelona in a busy 'hip' bar I accidentally used the men's toilets because I presumed 'H' stood for women and 'M' for men.

I had a suspicion that I had made the wrong choice when I got into the cubicle and saw the toilet seat up and wee splashed everywhere (I still went to the toilet - I hovered). Then when I went to wash my hands a gentleman came and stood next to me. It was there that it was 100% confirmed I was currently standing in the men's bathroom.

Despite this, my trip to Barcelona was bloody amazing. My boyfriend isn't perfect though...tonight I came home to my new (and last because I'm now too old) 17-25 young persons railcard. When ordering it Archie had offered to fill in the online form for me whilst I was in the shower. A lovely gesture, but I now regret taking up this offer.

I am now a man.

It reminded me of the time my dad thought 'name on card' meant 'name of card' when booking a hotel room. We therefore had to check in at the hotel as the 'Goldfish' family. I was about 12 at the time and had a wannabe 'street cred' to maintain so this was deeply upsetting.

The moral of the story? Don't let men book or order things unless you want to be turned into a man. Or a goldfish. 

Bye x

Monday, 16 June 2014

Rule No.92: Don't video yourself jumping off a cliff. Your boobs willbe on camera.

I'm back from my family holiday in Greece. I have mixed emotions. I'm sad as I've left the beautiful weather, beaches, pool and my American family. Yet, I'm excited as I am now reunited with Archie...two weeks without seeing him was as hard as I expected. I don't understand what's happened to me. I only used to miss cadburys chocolate when abroad. 

A lot of things happened in the two weeks...my two year old nephew Luke has now learnt to say 'Gina' so I'm no longer 'nana'. This really excites me, and I even loved it when he woke me up at 8am and shouted 'wake up Gina' in his really excited, giggly voice. I wish I had that kind of alarm clock in the morning before I go to work. I don't think I'd grunt and have the 'I hate life' look on my face, well not as much anyway, 

The holiday has also taught me not to drink too much, but this lesson will soon be forgotten and I'll be once again slurring my words in front of my family and shouting 'woooo' across a posh restaurant, whilst taking huge gulps of my drink like it was necessary to keep me alive. 

I have also learnt not to video myself with a waterproof camera when jumping off cliffs into the sea. My bikini never stays on and no one wants that on video. Especially my brother whose camera it was.

Massively awkward. 

This is also a delightful picture I took using the camera. 

I look like my face has been stung by one  thousand bees. 

I didn't just eat Greek salads everyday like I stupidly thought I would either. In fact I think I only ordered one about three times. Instead I've tried all of the different Greek cuisines, such as ribs, a club sandwich, chips, prawn cocktail crisps and pizza. 

The plane journey back wasn't too bad, although it took so long to land and get our suitcases the taxi I had preordered had left, which meant I had to wait an hour for another taxi and didn't get home until 5am. I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around at that moment. 

The main annoying thing about the flight however was two 'know it all' 20 something's that were talking so loudly and wanting everyone to hear their conversation... You know when people want you to hear their conversation when they say things like 'yea one of my boyfriends' and her friend replied with her story 'yea one of my boyfriends' ITS NOT A BOYFRIEND CONTEST!  And you obviously don't have that many as you're irritating. Then they'd say things like "have you watched that film, bla bla bla, the one directed by bla bla bla, yea I met that actor and saw it being filmed, bla bla bla". WE DON'T CARE AND STOP SHOWING OFF. Idiot. 


Tomorrow I'm going back to work. I knew I had made the right decision to take Monday off to go to Thorpe Park. Sometimes I surprise myself with how smart I am. 

Here's my Thorpe Park face. 

I understand why people think I look like David Mitchell now. 

A tanned, female version. 

Bye x 

Friday, 6 June 2014

Rule No.91: Always check what you've packed

I'm in Greece for two weeks and it's bliss. 

It's 1pm and I've already had a strawberry daiquiri and a rum and pineapple (triple measures)... I am helping to look after five children though so alcohol helps. 

It's my brothers wedding on the 6th June so the family have all come out together for an amazing two weeks in the sun. It's bloody brilliant already and it's only my first day. 

There are a few problems though...I packed my suitcase one night after work and didn't get chance to check it again before flying out. I therefore have a small tube of toothpaste that will probably last a couple of days, no shower gel and two flip flops for your left feet. I think I've remembered everything else though, and I even accidentally packed a big book on New York. I don't know how it got into my suitcase, but no wonder I was 4kg over on my weight allowance...however, I got away with it because I am a legend.

Another slight problem is that my two year old nephew, Luke, seems to think my name is Nana. I think this confused a lot of people on the plane. I have tried to explain to him that my name is GINA, but I've given up already. I'm just going to be Nana for a while. He seems to get excited when he sees me though so that's all that matters. 

I'm hoping to actually look Mexican by the time I leave Greece. Or Greek, which would probably make more sense as I would have been here two weeks and I do love feta cheese and tzatziki. Mexican food I like too, but only the non spicy version, so basically nachos and guacamole. Realistically, I wouldn't make a very good Mexican, I'm not really a fan of tequila either. Although I do drink it when I'm drunk as everything seems great then. 

Over the next two weeks you'll be glad to know I'll be blogging. I'm back. And you can't get rid of me now. 


Bye x 

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Rule No.90: Willy headbands will never be an appropriate fashionaccessory

I don't like cats, but I like this one... 

Not many cats are clever enough (I don't think?) to use their paw to try and pull a door open. I applaud this cat. Although, it was so clever it actually freaked me out a little bit. Like the cats with thumbs advert.

On to another animal topic...I got the Dream Boys into the office last week to perform for one of my colleagues, my manager and my group director. It was their work hen do and I felt it appropriate. Despite the slight risk of being sacked, it went down very well.

We then drank ridiculous amounts of Prosecco, and after leaving a gay bar in Soho all I remember was sitting in a Chinese restaurant ordering BBQ pork and rice. I ordered it in Chinese and the waiter understood me too. I'm practically fluent now. Well, basically my colleague Jojo told me what to say and I drunkenly copied it.

My boyfriend then got a taxi to Soho to come and meet me as he'd been out too. According to him (not sure how much I should believe) he'd been telling the taxi driver on the way to meet me how much he loves me. When the taxi pulled up to Wardour Street the driver said, "Is that your girlfriend?" and pointed to me standing in a doorway wearing a willy headband and leaning on the wall half asleep. Archie replied, "Yep, that's the one!" to which to the taxi driver probably felt a bit confused to why Archie loved me so much and said... "good luck with that one mate".


I also took these photos of myself that night as I obviously thought I looked really fit.
Yes, that's right. I was wearing a red wig.

I'm sure I don't have to explain why I spent the journey to work the next day listening to Eva Cassidy and drinking ginger beer. However, I did notice an advertisement for a thrilling exhibition.

I can't wait to go and see this pile of wood. 

Art confuses me sometimes.

Another thing that today confused me is why Posh and Becks hold hands like children.

This makes me wonder how 'real' their relationship actually is.


Friday, 18 April 2014

Rule No.89: Don't tell a girl that she has a big bum. Especially in public.

I'm going to Scotland tonight with my boyfriend. Eek.

Five nights together is quite a lot (isn't it?), but for once in my life I'm not thinking "oh god, we're bound to fall out", or "what if we get bored or fed up of each other?" I genuinely cannot wait to spend five days with him, and with no work, etc.

Oh god, I'm getting all loved up and pathetic.


Let's change the subject...

Yesterday I got given two creme eggs at work. Every year a guy comes round the office to give us one creme egg each. And this year he accidentally walked past me without giving me one, so me being 'miss big mouth' shouted, "EASTER BUNNY YOU FORGOT ME!!"
"Sorry love, you can take two" 
That's right, I GOT TWO EGGS! I therefore changed my Facebook status to the following, as I did feel there was a little bit of harmless flirting involved... 

It's funny how such a simple thing can get so many likes...I think it's because people can relate to it. Everyone likes the surprise of getting something extra, or winning something. I still think I'll win the lottery every time I buy a lucky dip.

I think we need to realise that we're all very much alike a little more often. Just like when people say "I'm not very good at doing that..." Well, you're not the only one that's not very good at doing that, there will be lots of people exactly the same as you. Even if you do think you're the only one. For example, how many people knew you could do all of these things with your iPhone? I bet very few.  

I've come to conclusion now that I am not musical. I can't even play the triangle (do you even 'play' triangles?). I'm just not that way inclined, but then there's things I can do that people who play in an orchestra can't. I don't know what, but I'm sure there are things...

Anyway, I hope you have an amazing Easter. Think of me eating haggis and drinking whiskey. 

Oh and by the way, I'm guessing when a removals guy shouts "baby got back", it isn't a good thing? Then again, I suppose the song does go "I like big butts..." so maybe he liked my bum?!? Nevertheless, it wasn't the greatest compliment. And the worst thing about this is, my boyfriend turned up to my house half an hour later and said "I just saw a guy I used to play football with. He was moving in some furniture for the house next door" That's right, it was the same guy. Typical.

I am actually going to leave you this time. And I'll leave you with a picture of the dog I am currently obsessed with. A Chow Chow.

It's SO CUTE. You can also dye the hair so it looks like a panda.

It probably is a bit cruel...let's be honest...