Rule No.93: Don't Let Men Order Things Unless You Also Want To Turn Into A Man

So...having a boyfriend for over nine months has resulted in me walking around with my trousers unbuttoned without shame. Not in a pervy way. In an 'I've eaten a burger and chips and my belly is too full, I need to breath and I don't care if people think I'm weird' kind of way. 

I don't think I've actually put on weight, but I would be lying if I thought a salad diet wouldn't be a good idea. I have been walking through Covent Garden with my trousers undone after all...

Now I didn't want to begin my blog with an apology, so I haven't, but now I'm ready... I am sorry for the lack of blogging. 

As I'm sure you can sympathise, it's hard to find the time and the energy. And in the past few months I've had a lot going on. One thing particularly that has been taking up my time is Breaking Bad and if you have already watched Breaking Bad then you'll understand.

Joking aside, any spare time I've had I have wanted to lie down and play sleeping lions. I've been tired.

But now I'm back.

If you're not friends with me on Facebook then I need to fill you in. My boyfriend (still feels weird that I actually have one. A nice one. Miracle.) took me to Barcelona for my birthday! I mean seriously, this guy is good. 

I've never really been to Spain before though, unless you count Magaluf. Therefore, my Spanish is lacking. Seriously lacking. For example, on the first night in Barcelona in a busy 'hip' bar I accidentally used the men's toilets because I presumed 'H' stood for women and 'M' for men.

I had a suspicion that I had made the wrong choice when I got into the cubicle and saw the toilet seat up and wee splashed everywhere (I still went to the toilet - I hovered). Then when I went to wash my hands a gentleman came and stood next to me. It was there that it was 100% confirmed I was currently standing in the men's bathroom.

Despite this, my trip to Barcelona was bloody amazing. My boyfriend isn't perfect though...tonight I came home to my new (and last because I'm now too old) 17-25 young persons railcard. When ordering it Archie had offered to fill in the online form for me whilst I was in the shower. A lovely gesture, but I now regret taking up this offer.

I am now a man.

It reminded me of the time my dad thought 'name on card' meant 'name of card' when booking a hotel room. We therefore had to check in at the hotel as the 'Goldfish' family. I was about 12 at the time and had a wannabe 'street cred' to maintain so this was deeply upsetting.

The moral of the story? Don't let men book or order things unless you want to be turned into a man. Or a goldfish. 

Bye x

Rule No.91: Always check what you've packed

I'm in Greece for two weeks and it's bliss. 

It's 1pm and I've already had a strawberry daiquiri and a rum and pineapple (triple measures)... I am helping to look after five children though so alcohol helps. 

It's my brothers wedding on the 6th June so the family have all come out together for an amazing two weeks in the sun. It's bloody brilliant already and it's only my first day. 

There are a few problems though...I packed my suitcase one night after work and didn't get chance to check it again before flying out. I therefore have a small tube of toothpaste that will probably last a couple of days, no shower gel and two flip flops for your left feet. I think I've remembered everything else though, and I even accidentally packed a big book on New York. I don't know how it got into my suitcase, but no wonder I was 4kg over on my weight allowance...however, I got away with it because I am a legend.

Another slight problem is that my two year old nephew, Luke, seems to think my name is Nana. I think this confused a lot of people on the plane. I have tried to explain to him that my name is GINA, but I've given up already. I'm just going to be Nana for a while. He seems to get excited when he sees me though so that's all that matters. 

I'm hoping to actually look Mexican by the time I leave Greece. Or Greek, which would probably make more sense as I would have been here two weeks and I do love feta cheese and tzatziki. Mexican food I like too, but only the non spicy version, so basically nachos and guacamole. Realistically, I wouldn't make a very good Mexican, I'm not really a fan of tequila either. Although I do drink it when I'm drunk as everything seems great then. 

Over the next two weeks you'll be glad to know I'll be blogging. I'm back. And you can't get rid of me now. 

Muhahaha. 

Bye x 

Rule No.89: Don't tell a girl that she has a big bum. Especially in public.

I'm going to Scotland tonight with my boyfriend. Eek.

Five nights together is quite a lot (isn't it?), but for once in my life I'm not thinking "oh god, we're bound to fall out", or "what if we get bored or fed up of each other?" I genuinely cannot wait to spend five days with him, and with no work, etc.

Oh god, I'm getting all loved up and pathetic.

SLAP ME.

Let's change the subject...

Yesterday I got given two creme eggs at work. Every year a guy comes round the office to give us one creme egg each. And this year he accidentally walked past me without giving me one, so me being 'miss big mouth' shouted, "EASTER BUNNY YOU FORGOT ME!!"

"Sorry love, you can take two" 

That's right, I GOT TWO EGGS! I therefore changed my Facebook status to the following, as I did feel there was a little bit of harmless flirting involved... 

It's funny how such a simple thing can get so many likes...I think it's because people can relate to it. Everyone likes the surprise of getting something extra, or winning something. I still think I'll win the lottery every time I buy a lucky dip.

I think we need to realise that we're all very much alike a little more often. Just like when people say "I'm not very good at doing that..." Well, you're not the only one that's not very good at doing that, there will be lots of people exactly the same as you. Even if you do think you're the only one. For example, how many people knew you could do all of these things with your iPhone? I bet very few.  

I've come to conclusion now that I am not musical. I can't even play the triangle (do you even 'play' triangles?). I'm just not that way inclined, but then there's things I can do that people who play in an orchestra can't. I don't know what, but I'm sure there are things...

Anyway, I hope you have an amazing Easter. Think of me eating haggis and drinking whiskey. 

Oh and by the way, I'm guessing when a removals guy shouts "baby got back", it isn't a good thing? Then again, I suppose the song does go "I like big butts..." so maybe he liked my bum?!? Nevertheless, it wasn't the greatest compliment. And the worst thing about this is, my boyfriend turned up to my house half an hour later and said "I just saw a guy I used to play football with. He was moving in some furniture for the house next door" That's right, it was the same guy. Typical.

I am actually going to leave you this time. And I'll leave you with a picture of the dog I am currently obsessed with. A Chow Chow.

It's SO CUTE. You can also dye the hair so it looks like a panda.

It probably is a bit cruel...let's be honest...

x

Rule No.88: Don't serenade someone when you sound like a tone deaf baboon

Today I attempted to make my own juice for breakfast. This resulted in me sitting at my desk forcing bright green lumpy slush down my throat, whilst trying not to choke on small chunks of celery. 

What I have mainly learnt from this is that you need to make sure you've blended the juice enough before drinking it. Secondly, there's a reason people use a juicer and not a blender to make juice (the hint is in the name). However, I'm not going to give up as I have a fridge full of vegetables so I'm going to have the joyful task of sieving it tomorrow morning...

I must say the cucumber, celery, kale and apple concoction wasn't too bad. Even if the reactions from my colleagues when they saw it were "ergh, what is that green slime?","are you actually drinking that?", and my favourite, "it looks like liquidised bogeys". 

You wait, tomorrow they'll be jealous of my new sieved creation. 

Anyway, I have news from this weekend... after drinking a pint of bitter, two white wines and three cocktails at my friend, Suze's, birthday drinks on Saturday, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I loved him (we had previously gone as far as 'I really like you'). It was far from romantic. We were stood outside Londis on Clapham High Street and I was talking about the fact he gets on so well with my friends, and I blurted out, "see that's why I love you". I then realised what I had said and went on to say, "Oh wait, I just said that I loved you... I do though'. 

Luckily, after a pause that felt like the most embarrassing eternity, he said it back. And then he said it again on Sunday morning. And then he said it again today. Therefore, I don't think I need to feel embarrassed anymore. Except for the fact I sang the Moulin Rouge version of 'Your Song' to him last night. This time I wasn't drunk. I think I mainly did it because I wanted to make up for the unromantic Londis situation. I think it worked, although he did screw up his face when I attempted to sing the higher notes.

I got a sympathetic round of applause though.

In other news, I have found the best website for anyone that loves dogs but hasn't got a dog of their own. Of course I have a profile.Well actually that's a lie, my housemate has a profile. That way she has the responsibility of looking after the dog and I can just stroke it. Perfect.

Www.borrowmydoggy.com

Bye x

Rule No.87: Don't laugh at random people's children when you're not supposed to

Yesterday I got told I looked tired and pale. Obviously this filled me with joy as these are two words every woman wants to hear before they leave the office to meet a friend for drinks. Yet, my colleague was right. Therefore, it was a good excuse to drink two glasses of red wine to bring the colour back to my cheeks. And because I like wine. A lot.

I enjoyed myself.

The wine didn't exactly help with the tiredness though, and as soon as I got home I passed out on the sofa, which let's be honest is never the most ideal place to sleep.

This is why I've still been rubbish at blog posting, despite getting my new laptop. Work is just so busy at the moment, which is actually a great thing, but it just means I don't have much spare time or energy to write. I promise I'm not ignoring you, and it's nothing to do with the fact I have a boyfriend. Although, I must admit it's weird not writing stories about weirdo guys, dates, Tinder, etc.

Although, there are still a lot of strange people about...

For example, this rather possessed-like two year old girl kept screaming horrificly loud on the tube yesterday. Then she would look ridiculously innocent each time she stopped as if she hadn't done anything wrong. She repeatedly did this for a good five minutes, 'scream, innocent face, scream, innocent face' (it felt like eternity). Her scream was horrendous as well, it was as if someone had just told her there were monsters under her bed and they were going to eat her. And her teddy bear.

I couldn't help myself, after trying to do the typical London commuter thing and ignore it or tut, I just looked at her and burst out laughing. She then stopped screaming and looked at me like I was an alien. An odd looking alien, not a scary one. Luckily her mum was oblivious to everything and so I didn't get told off for laughing at her daughter. It's probably not the best thing to do when someones child is screaming. But at least I inadvertently stopped her from screaming and I'm pretty sure the commuters appreciated it. Although, obviously no one talked because that would just be 'weird'... No one talks on the tube, it's against the tube rules. 

A couple of hours after this I was walking through Clapham Junction station after meeting my friend Vicki for food, when a man walked past us and rather loudly burped right by our faces. He didn't have a single ounce of emotion on his face after he did this. It was as if he'd just yawned and I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk either. Obviously, Vicki and I burst out laughing because even though it was pretty disgusting it was bloody funny.

Then, on the tube home I witnessed a girl on crutches, and her leg was in a strappy cast type thing. She was standing up whilst her friend with normal working legs sat down. This confused me. Why does her friend deserve a seat when her legs are working and her friend is there trying to balance on her crutches in a moving tube carriage? The only thing I could think of was that her friend was a bitch. I think I was right.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a video with you as it is pretty cool. I went to a Robinson's Squash'd press event last week, and the maker of Gravity was there as he has designed a short film for Robinson's. It was shot in a Zero G plane that goes so high and drops so fast there is no gravity for 20 seconds. They only had 12 attempts to shoot the video and they managed to capture it on their last take...
Watch it here

Oh, and this is me on the cool cow sofas in the cinema after a couple of red wines...

I thought I looked like this at the time:

Bye x

Rule No.86: Don't ever announce that your fingers smell like fish on a busy train

It's been a while. I'm sorry. However, you'll be glad to know I have just ordered myself a new laptop so I'll be back to my usual blogging self soon. And it only cost me £1,288...vom.

The past eight days have been rather busy. Starting with a weekend in Liverpool, three days on a shoot in Marbella and then a trip back to Coventry to see my friends and family this weekend. I feel like I don't know what my London flat looks like anymore. However, that will soon change when I get home tonight, I won't be going anywhere for at least a month. Unless you count going to work and Waitrose.

Liverpool was bloody hilarious. When five girls similar to 'The Inbetweeners' characters come together for one weekend it results in a lot of laughter. One of the most awkward moments for me particularly was when I decided to buy prawn crackers for the train journey, which not only made the whole carriage stink of fish, but made the girls heave slightly. I then announced "ergh my fingers stink of fish". The men behind me on the train looked horrified and so did my friends. No matter how many times I tried to explain it was because of the prawn crackers they wouldn't let it go. I'm now called fishy fingers. 

Whilst on the train we also decided what type of facial hair we'd have if we were men. These were the results:

Obviously we weren't implying Emma was actually like Hitler. And I am definitely not as smooth as Craig David, but I think they so suit us well. 

When in Liverpool we found this 'quality' student accommodation by Liverpool Lime Street Station.

I think the advertiser should learn what the word 'quality' means. He also deserves to be kicked in the shins for his false advertising. I feel sorry for any student that ends up here. RIP.

We also found these flowers, because obviously on St Patrick's day everyone wants to receive green flowers.

Supermarkets will try to sell anything these days. Next they'll be promoting parsley as 'perfect for St Patricks day' just because it happens to be green. Some daft folk will buy it though. This is, after all, the nation that causes a cardigan to sell out in 24 hours because Mary Berry wore it on The British Bake Off.   

On the way back to London we read this wonderful story: 

There's many words to describe this man, but 'SEXC' does not come to mind. I think I've been put off chicken for life and I never thought that would happen. Well actually it hasn't because I had chicken earlier, but you get my point. 

On a much less disgusting note, Marbella was brilliant and the shoot for Red looks incredible. Here's a behind the scenes pic: 

Anyway, it's back to normal work life tomorrow. Hope you all had fantastic weekends. 

X 

Rule No.83: Don't be concerned, but you could be a Neanderthal (OK, that's not a rule)

Did you know that lions and rhinos used to walk (would you say they 'walk'?) around Trafalgar Square 125,000 years ago? That's what I learnt yesterday. Also, hippos used to roam around the River Thames. Weird to think really. 

What's even weirder is that Neanderthals and homo sapiens used to sleep with each other so some of us could be part Neanderthal. It would probably explain a few things. 

I learnt all of this when I went to the 'Britain: One Million Years of the Human Story' exhibition at the Natural History Museum yesterday.

I then had a quick look round the V&A after. I'm a wannabe cultured young lady at the moment (probably not so much the lady). 

Last night I made fajitas for Heather, which I always feel is a family tradition even though I'm not at all Mexican. It's funny, now I keep getting mistaken for Mexican I'm starting to feel like I am Mexican. Maybe I should tell people to pretend to mistake me for Kelly Brook, then I might start looking and feeling like her.

Anyway, the fajitas were extremely good, if I do say so myself. 

They were actually the best fajitas I've ever had.

OK, that might be an exaggeration. 

Today I had four tickets to a film preview in Leicester Square. The film isn't out until the end of March so I'm not allowed to talk about it. But, what I will say is I'm not too sure why four adults (me and my friends) were so excited to get up early on a Sunday morning to watch a kids film. However, I must say we all really enjoyed it. 

Afterwards I went to the British Museum. I've never been before and it was really good! Out of all of the museums in London it's definitely one of the most 'grown up' ones. I was therefore rather proud of myself. Plus, THREE museums in one weekend is pretty good going.

This blog basically confirms that I deserve a medal. Or a trophy. Even better, a statue in the British Museum. Not a naked one though. My brother would probably say something like "yea, a statue in the Natural History Museum next to the gorillas". I don't blame him, that's what brothers do, but I'd much rather be with the dinosaurs. People queue an hour to see these and I like feeling special.

I will leave you with my Starbucks cup. I told them my name was Gina and this is what I got...

Apparently Gina was too hard to write...to be honest, the smiley face gave me a smiley face so I liked it.

Good night and hope you have a lovely Monday.

x

Rule No.82: You actually do learn something new everyday

In the past week I have learnt a number of things. This is the great thing about life, it teaches you valuable lessons: 

1) Never go for a wax in a salon where men get their hair cut. Apparently giving your name to the receptionist isn't enough... "oh yes, for a Brazilian?" Thanks. Now the two guys standing next to me know about it you stupid woman.

To add to this, when I was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the salon, the beautician appeared and shouted "Gina? For a Brazilian?" Now a total of nine men knew about it. Plus one woman. Why the salon had so many men get their hair cut there, I do not know. I blame valentines day. 

2) Don't write this story whilst you're on the tube. 

The guy next to me now knows about the wax. He also knows I'm writing about him and I feel awkward. STOP LOOKING AT MY PHONE. 

3) Drinking soft drinks instead of alcohol can actually be a good idea. 

I went to see Foals on Friday night. Aimee and I high fived each other after we got through security because we managed to sneak in an orange juice and coconut water. 

It was the first time I had ever been to a gig and not had my usual cider or Red Stripe. However, I liked waking up the next day without a hangover. Plus, I liked laughing with Aimee on the way home about how granny like we have become. 

Who high fives for sneaking in coconut water? Me apparently.

Oh god, I am pathetic.

4) Think before you speak. And listen carefully (yes, that's two things).

On my fourth date (yes, that's right FOURTH) on Saturday night the guy said during our conversation on the type of people living in different areas of London (I agree it doesn't sound thrilling), "yea, they're the class above". In my slightly gin intoxicated state I thought he said "they're class bruv". I therefore replied rather loudly in a rude boi voice "YES BRUV". To which baffled, he said "did you just call me bruv?" 

That's right, I called him bruv. 

I do have a fifth date though.

5) Making Moroccan food is expensive. 

I spent £36 on ingredients to make dinner for my housemates on Sunday. Mainly because I didn't own tahini, harissa, cinnamon, cumin, fresh ginger... This kind of stuff is EXPENSIVE. However, it was worth it and I proved to myself and my housemates that I can actually cook. I also know what tahini and harissa is now...as if you thought I knew before!?!

6) My brother shouldn't trust me (and I shouldn't trust myself) to take my nephew to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. 

My nephew got himself a plateful of chips, battered chicken and a poppadom (strange Chinese buffet I know). I did try to get him to put some broccoli on his plate, but he knew that I'm too soft and he just helped himself to some more chips. 

He then had three helpings of ice cream.

At least he doesn't think I'm like Miss Trunchbull I suppose...

7) If you're going to wear a long coat then make sure your skirt is longer than it. You may otherwise look like you forgot to put a skirt on. 

Yes, that is a Vietnamese style hat. No, I do not know why I bought it.

8) Don't 'swear on your life' when you're actually lying. I'm now scared I'm going to die after a random guy stopped me and asked if I had any money to buy one of his reggae CDs.

To be fair I only had £1, which I don't think he would have appreciated anyway... (I still might die)

Good bye.

x

Rule No.81: Cool people don't celebrate Valentines Day

It's valentines day. The day most women in the office receive flowers, chocolates and balloons. And as I work for three women's magazines, this is a lot of women. For the past three valentines days that I have worked here I have so far received a packet of love hearts from my previous manager, who is gay. 

This year is no different. Yet I do have a fourth date tomorrow so I'm definitely in a more positive situation than last year. I would say last year was the worst valentines day yet. Splitting up with my boyfriend two weeks before then having another ex boyfriend (slightly psycho) call my work phone, ask if it's me then hang up, wasn't the most romantic gesture. In fact I was in so much rage I had to buy a chicken burrito to calm me down. 

Tonight I'm going to see Foals at Alexandra Palace with Abi and Aimee. We're cool like that. Aimee even has a boyfriend, which is one of the many reasons why I love her. #foalsbeatballs

I think when it comes to friends there's six main categories. 

1) The first person you call when you have great news. Consequently, the first person you also call when you're crying into your pillow 

2) The one you know will always be up for getting drunk 

3) The one that is always with their boyfriend, but you enjoy catching up with her when she wants to be with someone other than her boyfriend 

4) The one who you're not really sure how she became your friend because you're so different, but despite this you love everything about her 

5) The one (usually many) you've known for years and will always be a friend even though you might not see them often, but when you do it's like you haven't been apart 

6) The one (hundreds) you're friends with on Facebook, sometimes stalk, but have no further interest in. You probably wouldn't even say hello (unless drunk) if you saw them in the street 

I think all six are vital. I wouldn't say number six is a friend, but they're vital stalk material. Especially the ones that think their life is over everyday because work is busy, or they've ran out of pies at the local chippy. These people provide me with entertainment and generally make me feel good about my life.

Now I hope you have a romantic day. And if you don't, you're not alone. I'm currently treating myself to a salmon and cream cheese bagel and tonight I'll be with two of my best friends drinking cider and having men sweat all over me. And not in a sexual way. 

I have worn a dress with hearts on it today though. Well, I didn't want to look too lonely and bitter. 

 

I'm also going to leave you with this as I love everything about it.

Bye x

Rule No.80: Don't bother trying to take a nice photo when it's windy

This week has been the week of the watering eye. It's just one eye and it won't stop. I've been on the way to work with fresh make up on and tears streaming down one cheek. It's been a massive pain in the arse and pretty embarrassing. Do you think it might be because something is happening? Like when your ear burns? I hope it means I'm going to become rich.

It has also been the week of the peeling lips. Generally my lips decide to peel once a week, which has always worried me a little. However, this week it has been EVERYDAY. The main reason I'm worrying is because snakes shed their skin so they can grow (and get rid of parasites). If my lips are doing the same then I am going to end up with each lip the same size as a banana. 

I think they've already grown.

I'm going to ignore the parasite bit as I'm pretty sure I don't have any parasites on my lips.

In other news, I sold Superman yesterday and I miss him already. He sold for £1 on eBay, but to be honest it wasn't about the money. I just wanted him to go to a good home. Yes, that's right he was like a pet to me. When I answered the door to the woman collecting Superman she said her five year old son was in the car. He didn't know what they were picking up and I could see him looking out of the car window, excited with anticipation. I felt like I'd done a very good deed. It would have been the equivalent to me getting a cardboard cut out of Stephen Gately when I was nine. That would have been INCREDIBLE.

Little did the woman know that underneath my zip up jumper was an 'I love porn tshirt', and underneath my jeans I was still wearing my pj bottoms. Sometimes I worry that my university student habits will never leave me. I even went to the post box with my slippers on when it was RAINING. Obviously my feet got completely soaked and the slippers had to go in the wash. Why was I such a lazy IDIOT? All I had to do was put some shoes on!

Once I was showered and finally out of my pyjamas I went on a third date. Then I went out for my friend Amy's birthday. We went to STK at the ME hotel, which was a surreal experience. It was like a scene out of TOWIE. I even witnessed a woman in a skin tight dress revealing a very large (fake) cleavage, and extremely tanned skin, dance around her husband like he was a pole. He just sat there drinking his champagne and eating his steak as he admired his wife. This was in the middle of a rather expensive restaurant.

I have never enjoyed watching people so much in my life. It was brilliant.

Later on we went to the Radio Rooftop Bar, where Aimee and I took this amazing picture.

I honestly don't understand why we haven't been snapped up as models yet.

Good bye x

Rule No.79: Don't completely lose faith in humanity

Let's start with the thing I know you'll be most eager to hear about.

The zoo was good.

Ten minutes after meeting my date (still to be left nameless) a photographer working at the zoo asked to take our photo, "smile you two". I could feel the awkwardness between us, but as I love awkwardness and as I am also a massive poser in photos I just smiled and did my 'Gina pose'. We didn't actually see the photo so who knows what it looked like, but I probably looked more like Susan Boyle than Kate Moss.

To sum up the day at zoo I've decided it's probably best to focus on both the good things and the embarrassing things that happened. I'll start with the good:

1) We saw every single animal possible
2) I stroked a goat

The embarrassing things:

1) We witnessed a big scary gorilla jump on top of a female gorilla and put his two fingers up her bum (this was both awkward and embarrassing to watch)
2) Immediately after this happened a man shouted to me "I'm sorry my daughter has her hand up your skirt"
3) A monkey jumped and nearly landed on my head so I screamed like an absolute drama queen and people genuinely laughed at me...including my date
4) A camel blew sawdust all over me and my date had to pick it out of my hair... a bit like an ape picking fleas
5) I saw a rat and freaked out. I screamed really loudly and did a really strange shuffle dance to get away. I genuinely don't think I've been that scared for years. My date found it hilarious, I did not
6) I tripped over, panicked and grabbed my dates hand by accident. Actually this wasn't too bad, but it was rather forward
7) I told my date the story of how happy I was to pick up my duvet from the dry cleaners on Saturday. I instantly regretted sharing the story

I think that's about it.

Anyway, I still haven't put him off as I have date two tonight. However, that's all I'm going to share with you for a while now I'm afraid. Mainly because a) I don't want to jinx it and b) I don't want him to find this and think I'm a freak writing about it. 

Moving on...

I'm not sure if you've seen the below already, it's one of those crappy things that always seem to get shared on Facebook. However, this one intrigued me:

When I first saw this I expected to see thousands of comments saying "Ryan Gosling", "George Clooney, "Kelly Brook"...you get the idea. However, not one comment (I probably read about 80) included a celebrity, instead they named a member of their family or a friend. It was so heartwarming to see how many people cherish their family and friends. I genuinely felt that my faith in humanity was lifted slightly. It seems One Direction aren't going to rule the world after all.

Just in case you were interested, I would sit with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Jokes, I would sit with my grandma of course.

I would share a bed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt though. 

In other news, I now have a tongue scraper...not sure why they exist to be honest, but my colleague got it from a press event and left it on my desk. She thought out of everyone on my team I'd be the one to actually want it. She was right.

I will carry on using it even though I'm not sure if I'm using it right and I'm not really sure what it does.

I'm going to leave you with what I came home to last night. I have great housemates. This was courtesy of Lucy. I LOVE PIE.

Apart from the pie I've actually stuck to eating healthily, even though I have had to hold back the tears whilst eating my homemade soup at lunch, WITHOUT bread. That's right, WITHOUT BREAD. 

good bye x

Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x

Rule No.77: Superman isn't much of a hero after all

I'm slightly concerned as one of my main highlights from the weekend was picking up my duvet from the dry cleaners. I can't believe how mature (sad) I'm becoming. I'm like the cheddar cheese that only older people eat because it's so strong...

...I don't really know what I was trying to say with the cheese thing either, but here's the dry cleaned duvet anyway (and my elephant):

I have also just received a message from my housemate to say she's bought a new light bulb for the kitchen. I AM SO EXCITED.

Please see the other old and boring things I have done this weekend in the following list below:

• Cleaned my bathroom 
• Hoovered and tidied my room
• Booked the hotel for the Liverpool trip (five of us are going in March to see Bombay Bicycle Club) 
• Set up an ISA at the bank
• Did two lots of washing
• Made my bed
• Made dinner for my housemates (microwavable)
• Sat in Starbucks and started writing my book... I thought I would be able to meet men in there whilst appearing to look sophisticated, but so far it doesn't seem to be the best place to go. There's a mix of families, girls and old people. Therefore, I think I might change my writing place to a pub, especially when the football or rugby is on

I didn't even drink all weekend. Mainly because I have got into the bad habit of drinking red wine nearly everyday. Therefore, I had a weekend detox. 

OK, that was a humongous lie. I went out in Brixton on Saturday night and consumed a rather large amount of vodka. Although, most of it was free vodka as a 7ft tall (nearly) guy spilt his drink all over my face. And when he saw how sad I was with the vodka dripping from my nose and eyelashes he suddenly felt very guilty. He then offered (which I gladly accepted) to pay for mine and Hayley's drinks all night. I know, I might try and get this to happen to me more often.

I am not going to out for a while now though and I'm going to eat healthily AND start exercising (one of my New Years resolutions remember). I don't want my thighs to look like tree trunks anymore and I don't want my liver to turn into solidified red wine. 

In other news, Superman is now on Gumtree as he failed to protect our house...we saw a mouse last week. Yes, that's right we have mice AGAIN (I think they've actually now gone).

I'm also back on Tinder, which is already depressing me as it's more addictive than Candy Crush. However, so far I've matched with 95% of the guys I've 'liked' so I'm actually pretty impressed with myself. Although only 5% of these guys have actually started talking to me...

Good bye x

Rule No.76: Don't chicken out

Why do the weekends go so quickly?

I'm already sitting in bed after the dreaded Monday at work, and it only feels like five minutes ago that I arrived in Newton Abbot, which was actually on Friday evening. It's depressing. Although, it does mean it's only four days until the next weekend...

I was in Devon this weekend (hence arriving in Newton Abbot), which was lovely. I was staying with my brother as he'd organised an event packed weekend for my mums 60th birthday. My parents (obviously) and my auntie and uncle were also staying at his house. This meant I was left with my six year old nephews bed to sleep in. Good job I'm pretty much the same height as him.  Sometimes being short is useful.  

We went to Bovey castle on Saturday for afternoon tea, which was very posh. They even parked our car for us when we arrived and the staff all wore horse riding clothes. I was on my best behaviour despite dropping the tea strainer in my teacup and having to drink leafy tea. It's just a shame I don't have more control over how I behave when I'm asleep. I woke myself up on the train yesterday with my snoring. Not exactly attractive on a full train carriage. Luckily there wasn't any young, handsome men around. Not that it makes it that much better...

Tonight I went to my first work shop at the writing club I joined. I was nervous, tired from work and craving sausage and mash, but I went. I'm glad I did too, hence today's simple, but wise rule.

I have come away with so much more knowledge about writing a good book. Especially when writing dialect as I'm terrible when it comes to that. I've also come away with a red wine stain on my top, but I definitely didn't learn how to do that. That just seems to come naturally.

It just shows though, sometimes the scariest things and the things that are most out of our comfort zone are the most rewarding. I'm not confident when it comes to writing. You know how I write, I'm not a good describer, I'm not a clever writer and I definitely don't plan what I'm going to write with precision and thought. I write as me, but actually, I think that's OK. Say that, I didn't have the guts to read any of my stuff out. I will next time though, don't you worry. Small steps...

I should probably go to bed. I might actually get seven hours sleep for once (I'm still working on going to bed earlier...) 

I'll leave you with this. 

It's so true. Although arguably, panda eyes aren't a very good look...

X

Rule No.75: Hire someone to drag you to the gym

 It has begun.

I've started with Othello as apparently it's one of the easiest and most interesting ones... I have to say I felt pretty intelligent on the tube this morning. I was holding the book up like it was a sign for everyone to read, with the not so subliminal message "yes, that's right I'M READING SHAKESPEARE". I particularly waved it under the nose of a rather attractive guy.

In other news, I had a moment of fame the other night (kinda). Cosmo held Google Hangouts all last week for Clinique. Bridget March the online beauty editor for Cosmo had been discussing key fashion, beauty and nutrition trends and advice, and taking questions from real readers via a live Google Hangout. I was a standby reader just in case someone had Internet connection problems.

I was needed, hence my moment of fame. I enjoyed it, but watching it back I have realised that I don't have any eyes.

I need bigger eyes. 

I might get my eyelids removed. 

If you want to actually watch the video then click here and click on the fashion bit. 

Sometimes things aren't very obvious until you see them for yourself (like the image above) or until someone points them out to you. Like the time in secondary school when I was going to be Sandy in Grease. Then one day the show producer said "Gina, I've been thinking...since your voice is so low maybe you should be Danny?".

I had no idea people thought my voice was that low. This was made worse when I phoned a clients house phone a couple of years ago and the daughter answered, "Mummy, there's a woman on the phone, she sounds like a man".

Stop laughing.

I think I've managed to make my voice a bit higher over the past few years. I particularly make an effort to sound like a woman when I'm speaking to guy on the phone for the first time. When I'm hungover though it's a completely different story, even my best friends sometimes ask "Gina, is this you?" when they phone me.

I'm going to leave you with a quick summary of last weekend...

I organised a day out in London for my mum's 60th birthday, which was amazing. I highly recommend doing the backstage tour of the Royal Opera House. We also went for lunch at Sketch, which was incredible and they even did this for her:

On Saturday I went to the Planetarium in Greenwich. It was SO FUN and Greenwich is amazing. They have the BEST haloumi wraps in Greenwich market. After visiting the Planetarium I decided that I want to be an astronomer so I might buy a telescope (yes, another one of my 'New Year' hobbies...but at least I won't have to learn to play this one).

Please can someone buy me a telescope? A big one.

The rest of the weekend consisted of red wine, food, films and pubs. And I'm now writing this blog to avoid the gym. I need someone to start dragging me there. Literally. It's been SIX MONTHS.

Yes, you did just read that right. Six months.
. 

x

Rule No.74: Don't use the word 'stuff', unless you want to sound stupid

To add to the New Year's resolutions I wrote in my previous post, I have listed below seven things I want to make sure I do this year (I don't think these are the same as New Year's resolutions..?).  Anyway, here it goes: 

1) Go to the cinema (I haven't been since I went to see American Pie the Reunion in 2012)

2) Read at least three Shakespeare plays

3) Learn to understand Shakespeare

Just in case you're interested, the background to this Shakespeare situation is that I met an actor on Saturday night (fit, 6ft2, rather posh, might see again). He was telling me about some plays he has been in recently and I asked him "so do you understand this Shakespeare stuff then?". He laughed, but I suddenly realised how stupid I must have sounded. I've just never 'got' Shakespeare. I might have achieved an A in English Lit, but it's only because of Spark Notes. I couldn't even tell you what any of Shakespeare's plays are about. Except for Romeo and Juliet (obvs). Therefore, I want to read his plays and try to understand what he's talking about. I might even go to watch a couple.

I know, I'm confused too. What is happening to me? Why am I trying to become 'cultured'?

4) Learn to play the ukulele...it's still sitting in my wardrobe after my first attempt at playing it and after throwing a tantrum because it was too hard

5) Join a writing club...well I may as well and there could be potential husbands there

6) Join a film club (this will help with the cinema situation)

7) Start making YouTube videos for my blog 

I think this will be enough for now.

You'll be surprised to hear that I've already planned to go to the cinema tonight, and I joined a film club and a writing club last night. Therefore, I've pretty much done three of them already. Although, I need to actually go to these clubs, just joining doesn't really count.

In other news, there's been another case of extinction. Men have become dinosaurs once again. This time I think it's linked to Christmas. Even Scrooge doesn't like to be alone at Christmas. However, January is the start of the year, the start of new beginnings where guys want to be free to do whatever they want. Is this right guys? I'm just guessing here.

This case of extinction has happened to four people I know in the past week. Whether they had been on one date or six, over Christmas they had been speaking to the guy everyday. Then as the clocks stroke 12 on the 31st of December the extinction begun, soon all males were turning into dinosaurs. 

It's OK if this has happened to you. You're not alone. Plus, I was one of them.

I'm going to call these the Knobowankersaurus Rex.

Right before I go, I will leave you with some weird food.

Exhibit A:

How can you even call this steak? It's like hard vegetable pâté.

Exhibit B:

I just don't even know where to start with these.

Bye x

Rule No.73: Don't buy chocolate covered cheese

A causally late Happy New Year. 

After 12 hours sleep last night I have finally recovered from Poland. I don't think anyone should consume as much vodka as I did. I honestly think if I had drunk any more my body would have just blown up. Not that it's stopping me from going out tonight. Single ladies cannot just stay at home on a Saturday night. Fact.  

Anyway, NYE in Krakow was ace. I was with great people in a town filled with cheap but tasty vodka, polish sausage and mulled wine. However, the only non alcoholic thing I drank all day was a coffee so the next day my liver hated me. And my kidneys hated me. And my head. And my skin. And most likely my stomach. My throat wasn't too happy either. However, after three days of detoxing I'm feeling pretty lively, plus I've actually drank water and eaten vegetables again.

A lot can happen in Krakow in three days and a lot definitely happened. Therefore, I thought it was probably best to create a list. 

1)  We witnessed men using plastic forks to eat from a bin (sober).

2) A homeless woman opened my legs to crawl between them and reach for a key under the bench I was sitting on. She then grabbed my knee to help stand herself up again. She didn't even talk to me, not that I would have understood her.

3) Suze sat down on a chair in a bar and it completely broke. Instead of helping her as she lay on the floor we pointed and laughed. But, that's what 'true' friends do...well maybe we should have helped her.

4) We bought all of the below for £10. Yes that includes the vodka.

5) An Austrian woman took a photograph of me (without asking) and sent it to her 35 year old son. She couldn't speak English, but her friend translated that she thought I'd be a perfect match. I'm still a bit confused how this romance was supposed to happen?

6) I bought some mistletoe to create some funny photos (and snogs) and then got pounced on by Jade. The mistletoe wasn't even in the air!!! I'm obviously just too irresistible. 

7) Two Italian men came over to speak to the four of us when we were sitting on a wall drinking mulled wine. One really liked Suze and said to me 'can you please move somewhere else so I can sit next to your friend'. Bloody charming. 

8) I had the worst pillow at the hostel. It was like sleeping on a flat brick. 

9) Suze and Jade had to buy ear plugs on our second day so they could sleep through mine and Aimee's snoring (particularly mine...I had a cold). 

10) Suze thought it would be a good idea to buy chocolate covered Camembert. It definitely wasn't. 

11) I got a kiss off two Italian men just after midnight. The two on the back left.

Such an international PIMP.

I also need to point out that Jade is once again using the mistletoe. 

12) I had a polish sausage at 4am on New Years Day. Therefore it was the first food I consumed in 2014 and I'm proud of it. 

13) We all decided to get on the first tram that arrived at our stop instead of using our common sense and looking at a map. We ended up in the middle of nowhere and it was scary, it was like the Krakow ghetto. We jumped on another random tram and again ended up in the middle of nowhere. We did this a third time before giving up and getting a taxi to our hostel. Never again shall we use the YOLO method of catching trams.

This is our 'we're cold and lost, but trying to stay happy face'. I didn't manage to get in the selfie, but you can see a bit of my hair and hat.

I'm going to leave you with my New Years resolutions: 

1) Don't swear so much
2) Become more ladylike

3) Actually do some exercise 

4) Watch TV (I feel socially awkward that I can't join in on TV conversations with people. I only watch max an hour a week)
5) Get a boyfriend

So far in three days I've only stuck to number 4.

LAD.

x