Rule No.85: A 'man ban' does quite the opposite

I'm going to begin with showing you something we all need to start doing more often. 

Telling people you love them and brightening up their day is a WONDERFUL thing to do. I'll be honest though, I'm terrible at it. You can see from my last message to Fern how horrendous I am at texting... "Lol xx" doesn't even count as a text message, surely? I'm surprised people still hang out with me. 

The last thing I want to do after work is communicate with people though, I just become a socially awkward potato. I like to lie on my bed and listen to Lion King and occasionally stumble to the kitchen to get food. And don't even get me started on mornings, I look like a cave woman, sound like a man with a cold and I act like a teenager that has just been grounded for the first time. However, making the effort to write a message to someone and spread the love is a great thing to do, so maybe we should start doing it?! We could call it the 'Learn from Fern' campaign.

Anyway, it's now time for an announcement. 

The zoo guy...you know...the guy who I called a chav when I first bumped into him in a bar, then he took me on a date to London Zoo? Well he is now officially my boyfriend. 

I have a boyfriend. 

That's right...

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 

This is proof that there's hope for us all. This is also proof that when you're not looking you're more likely to find someone. I was on a serious man ban when I met him. Therefore, it's a good job I don't stick to most of my bans. Hence why I didn't give anything up for lent.

I will also announce that I am going to Marbella on Monday. Although, it's only for two nights so it's not a massively long holiday. In fact, it's not a holiday at all as I will be on a shoot for Red magazine so I'll be working. Therefore, I'm basically not sure why I'm announcing this. 

Obviously I'm not sticking to the no carbs before marbs rule either. Especially as I had frankfurter potato salad for lunch yesterday #germanheaven and tofu Chow Mein for dinner last night. And I would say the no carbs before marbs started today, but I had left over Chow Mein for lunch and I'm about to go out for sushi with Aimee. 

I'm going to stop my weirdo rambling now and I think you've probably had enough announcements for one day. Although, unfortunately we'll also have to mourn the death of my MacBook. After eight loyal years it has passed away. This is a very sad and frustrating situation. Yet, it means I can get a new one without feeling guilty. 

OK that's the end of my announcements. 

Well actually I have one more. 

Sorry I lied, I don't. And I couldn't think of anything that was remotely 'announcement like' except for the fact my plant died, but I didn't think this would interest you.

Bye.

x

Rule No.74: Don't use the word 'stuff', unless you want to sound stupid

To add to the New Year's resolutions I wrote in my previous post, I have listed below seven things I want to make sure I do this year (I don't think these are the same as New Year's resolutions..?).  Anyway, here it goes: 

1) Go to the cinema (I haven't been since I went to see American Pie the Reunion in 2012)

2) Read at least three Shakespeare plays

3) Learn to understand Shakespeare

Just in case you're interested, the background to this Shakespeare situation is that I met an actor on Saturday night (fit, 6ft2, rather posh, might see again). He was telling me about some plays he has been in recently and I asked him "so do you understand this Shakespeare stuff then?". He laughed, but I suddenly realised how stupid I must have sounded. I've just never 'got' Shakespeare. I might have achieved an A in English Lit, but it's only because of Spark Notes. I couldn't even tell you what any of Shakespeare's plays are about. Except for Romeo and Juliet (obvs). Therefore, I want to read his plays and try to understand what he's talking about. I might even go to watch a couple.

I know, I'm confused too. What is happening to me? Why am I trying to become 'cultured'?

4) Learn to play the ukulele...it's still sitting in my wardrobe after my first attempt at playing it and after throwing a tantrum because it was too hard

5) Join a writing club...well I may as well and there could be potential husbands there

6) Join a film club (this will help with the cinema situation)

7) Start making YouTube videos for my blog 

I think this will be enough for now.

You'll be surprised to hear that I've already planned to go to the cinema tonight, and I joined a film club and a writing club last night. Therefore, I've pretty much done three of them already. Although, I need to actually go to these clubs, just joining doesn't really count.

In other news, there's been another case of extinction. Men have become dinosaurs once again. This time I think it's linked to Christmas. Even Scrooge doesn't like to be alone at Christmas. However, January is the start of the year, the start of new beginnings where guys want to be free to do whatever they want. Is this right guys? I'm just guessing here.

This case of extinction has happened to four people I know in the past week. Whether they had been on one date or six, over Christmas they had been speaking to the guy everyday. Then as the clocks stroke 12 on the 31st of December the extinction begun, soon all males were turning into dinosaurs. 

It's OK if this has happened to you. You're not alone. Plus, I was one of them.

I'm going to call these the Knobowankersaurus Rex.

Right before I go, I will leave you with some weird food.

Exhibit A:

How can you even call this steak? It's like hard vegetable pâté.

Exhibit B:

I just don't even know where to start with these.

Bye x

Rule No.69: Don't ever wear a jumper without jeans

It's nearly Christmas!

I have three more days of work left, then it's officially time to drink Baileys for breakfast (and see my family). Although, I spoke to my parents earlier today and was told two HORRENDOUS things:

1) We're not opening presents on Christmas day as we're going to wait for my brother and his family to arrive on Boxing Day
2) I don't have any presents

That's right. My Dad said, "well you haven't got any presents to open anyway". This is because my parents gave me money towards a chest of drawers for my bedroom, so now I don't have any presents.

When did being an adult become so rubbish?

Can someone please buy me a present?

I had my work Christmas party on Tuesday, which started with a civilised meal at Whyte and Brown and ended with seven of us going to Lucky Voice for karaoke. This resulted in me 'singing' Lion King songs with Prosecco spilt down my top, whilst wearing a green wig. 

Apart from our terrible singing, one other key thing I remember from the evening is the waiters comment at dinner when he gave me my food... 'oh yes, you do look like a sausage and mash type of girl'. Yes, that's right he actually said that. I nearly threw the sausage at him, but I didn't want to waste the sausage. 

I'm not sure if I was over tired or still drunk, but the next day I made a massive fashion faux pas. For some strange reason I didn't think to wear jeans with my jumper. In my bedroom mirror the jumper looked like a reasonable length. However, as soon as I started walking to the tube station it became rather short. Luckily I had my long beige coat to cover it up. However, I felt like a stripper on the tube. I was trying to keep my coat completely closed so no one could see my thighs. I was too scared to even sit down.

I'm going to break up this text with a mug shot.

                                                                                                             

Monday night I went for dinner with a guy (yes that's right an actual male).  It was raining, but he had a big umbrella (no this is not a euphemism) so there wasn't any need for me to use mine. Therefore, when we left the restaurant it didn't occur to me that I'd left my umbrella at the table. Well, until I had to walk home from the tube station and get completely soaked.

I called the restaurant the next day and they had my umbrella!

The story gets better, I promise.

I went to pick my umbrella up last night, but the waitress couldn't find it. I was obviously fine about it because at the end of the day it was just a £9 umbrella. However, the waitress told the manager and he felt bad so he gave me a £25 voucher to use at the restaurant!!!

I then thought I'd check to see whether I had actually left it in the bar we had gone to afterwards...

The barman went to search the lost property and brought back an umbrella that looked just like mine. I screamed "Yes, that's mine!". Walked out, and halfway down the street realised it wasn't mine. I know at this point I should have gone back and returned it, but it had started to rain and I needed it.

Therefore, despite me accidentally stealing someones umbrella, I have actually done very well here.

Go me!

Night x

Rule No.62: Just because it's fluffy it doesn't make it OK

It's my last night.

NOOO! I don't want to go home.

That is supposed to be my crying face, but the dog got in the way. 

My dad is also crying. 

Well, he's actually yawning, but it looks like he's crying...

Today we went to the mall. I could have spent thousands of dollars, but instead I was a massive granny. I bought a towel and a jumper. Who goes to America and buys a towel? 

It was just so fluffy and I liked the shade of pink. Plus, it was $7, bargain! 

I nearly bought a Martha Stewart throw too, which was on offer. However, I stopped myself before my false teeth fell out.

The ice hockey game last night was a lot of fun. To get into the spirit I borrowed my sister in laws 'Carolina Hurricanes' hat, bought a foam finger and I bought a pumpkin beer. It was great, despite our team losing. 

The pumpkin beer was tasty though. I think it was pretty strong as I kept getting the giggles. Either that or pumpkin gives you the giggles (slightly ironic for Halloween). 

I also went to the zoo yesterday and I had my first ever circus experience today. I now want to be an acrobat. I might start with the less risky moves, like hula hooping. Then I'll go on to the trapeze. 

In other news, one of the guys from Tinder added me on Facebook the other day and we've been chatting. He asked me if the word 'oi' means yes. Can you believe Americans don't use 'oi'? I'm pretty sure I use the word at least once an hour. Weird. 

On that note, I'm going to leave you with some top American facts (mainly food related). Most are actually my personal opinion:

1) Cook-Out has the best milkshakes

2) Blue Moon is the best beer 

3) Traders Joes has the best New York style cheesecake 

4) The postman drives to each house and puts the post in the mail box through his van window. Therefore, the drivers seat is on the right hand side

5) Americans don't understand the English accent when you ask for a glass of water 

6) Around autumn everything seems to be pumpkin flavour, and around Christmas everything turns to peppermint 

There's plenty more, but I'm tired and can't think. 

Good night and speak to you when I'm back in England! 

P.S. Can you believe how good I have been at looking after babies? Who would have thought it. 

I'm like a mix of Dr Dolittle and Mary Poppins. 

Not quite. 

X 

Rule No.53: Don't take photos after drinking a bottle of wine

First of all, why was this one of the main stories on the Metro website on Thursday?

I had the same thing happen to me when I was eight and I didn't even make it into the dentist magazine...

I was actually supposed to be in the magazine, but my mum didn't realise I couldn't eat on the day of my operation so it had to be rescheduled, and someone else was featured instead. It was a very disappointing day for my family. I'm pretty sure the article would have been framed on the wall of my parents dining room.

One of the main highlights this week has been going for lunch at Sushi Samba. I went on Friday with a client, which was absolutely incredible. This is despite the fact my client tried to set me up with the French waiter - so embarrassing. She told him that I'd show him round London as he had only recently moved from France... he just smiled sweetly and nodded. He definitely wasn't tempted to accept the offer. Not that I blame him, we were all so drunk he probably thought I was Vicky Pollard.

This however, was the incredible view from the restaurant:

I then went to see London Grammar in Brixton. OMFG they were amazing, Hannah's voice is incredible live. I WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN ALREADY.

I know this photo is terrible, it's hard to take a good snap after drinking three cocktails and a bottle of wine.

The rest of the weekend consisted of watching Gogglebox, X Factor, Educating Yorkshire, Surprise Surprise, Downtown Abbey, Strictly Come Dancing, Wonders of the Solar System and Come Dine With Me. I only cried whilst watching Surprise Surprise and Downtown Abbey so I thought I did quite well. I feel like the older I get the more I cry when watching TV. The all time low was when I cried watching Trinny and Susannah. 

I was going to attempt to leave the house today and venture to the Natural History Museum. They have a new wildlife photography exhibition on at the moment (I know, I surprisingly sound quite cultured), but it then started raining rather heavily so I took it as a sign that I should just stay inside, and carry on drinking tea and eating Maryland Cookies. So I did, and I enjoyed myself.

Tomorrow evening I'm starting my new Fire Poi choreography course. I'll be honest, it is slightly concerning me as my singed hair has only just started growing back from last time...it won't be long until I'll be wearing a wig. 

I'm prepared to take the risk. 

Good night x

P.S. I found out who Max was ('Rule No.51'). He randomly called me last night and he actually sounded like a nice chap until he told me he was 21. Damn it. No thanks Max...

Rule No.52: You are not Nigella Lawson so don't film yourself cooking

Bloody Nora I am so TIRED! The combination of too much alcohol, too much fun and too much work this week has left me with zero energy. That, and I refuse to go to bed early because I apparently think I'm a vampire (apart from the drinking blood bit).

Surprisingly, my tiredness has not resulted in unhealthy eating. In fact, I've been very good! I even decided to make a special video for you. I could be the next Nigella. Check out the pics and video below...

The start of my omelette: 

The tutorial:

I forgot to include the cooked bacon when I was filming so I sprinkled it on top. 

This is the final masterpiece (I know it doesn't look great):

I then rewarded myself with a bath, whilst listening to London Grammar.  

I feel so chilled now, I should do this more often.

Other highlights this week have been stroking a dog, eating Domino's pizza, having my mum stay over and of course, the first ever Cosmopolitan Lingerie Show, which was held at One Marylebone on Monday night. The tickets sold out weeks ago and the night went so incredibly well! I can't wait to help organise next year's show now, it's going to be even bigger and better!

Boy news - they are still being dinosaurs (non existent/dead) and sloths (weird). I'm now considering marrying a woman.

Other news - I have discovered today that wearing a tight skirt and uncomfortable shoes results in you walking like you're drunk.

Good night from me and my elephant. x

P.s. remember to follow me on Twitter  

Rule No.50: Always tell people it's your birthday, you get free things

This is my current situation.

The past four nights in a row I haven't got home before midnight. Therefore, today is a onesie day. I am also demanding that my friend Suze brings me a constant supply of coffee. Poor thing, she's come to stay for the weekend and I have so far just used her for her coffee-making skills. 

I did make her a bacon sandwich this morning though so I think I'm forgiven. 

Until I make her rub my feet.

This week has been my birthday week and I predict next week will also be my birthday week. You have to milk these things.

It's been a great celebration so far. I came into work on Thursday to find these on my desk...

A vanilla latte, muffin and Doritos. Incredible.

Jojo then brought this bad boy out...

I basically consumed the whole thing.

Me and a few of the girls then went out and drank lots of wine and prosecco. Two random guys also bought me a glass of wine each. I am such a PIMP.

No numbers though. Fail.

Yesterday I went to Sketch for afternoon tea with a client.

Basically my life has consisted of eating food and it has been ace.

To make it even better when I was walking along the tube platform yesterday it was really windy and I felt great. I felt like Beyonce as my hair blew in the wind and I glided along feeling bootilicious. Although, I didn't actually look like Beyonce, I was more of a Susan Boyle trying to be Beyonce.

I'm going to dedicate the next section to men. Here we go:

1) When talking about guys the other day, me and a few of the singletons decided that not only are boys dinosaurs, but they're also sloths.

They're weird. This is when Lucy exclaimed 'the only great relationship I have is with the fridge. I spend a lot of time with it'.

A fridge is the best kind of relationship if you ask me.

2) I'm chatting to a guy on Tinder at the moment and he's got great banter. He has to be a winner when the first thing I messaged him saying was 'moustache' (he has a moustache), and he replied saying 'jacket' (I'm wearing a jacket in my profile pic). Most people would just think I'm a weirdo, but he seemed to find me funny.

I understand I should probably change my tactics.

3) I witnessed a girl make her boyfriend stand in front of her on the escalator yesterday so he could block her from the wind (it was like a tornado). I've decided I would like my own personal wind shield. 

I'm out in Brixton with the girls tonight for my birthday and we're all hoping to get a snog. I will write a mini blog update tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

x

P.S. My friend Jo has bought me this. Best birthday present EVER. Maybe I should wear it tonight?

Rule No.49: When things go wrong it's not bad luck, it's usually because you're an idiot

Where do I begin?

The past few days have been pretty eventful and annoyingly the events have mostly been unfortunate. 

I'll let you judge for yourself...

Wednesday - After making the effort to get up early and make myself look nice for the Zest Beauty Awards, I somehow fell down the stairs of my flat on my way out of the front door. I fell all the way down, grazed my knees and elbows, and have spent the past few days walking with a limp. I even considered crutches at one point. Consequently, sitting down has been difficult, I've had to hold onto things to help myself down because my legs hurt so much. I usually love sitting down. It has however made my excuse for not going to the gym a little more valid.

Here's my knee:

OK fine, there's no blood or stitches, but it HURT.

Thursday - I decided to get the train home from work instead of the tube. As I got to Balham I didn't realise the train doors were closing as I was too busy searching for my Oyster card. The doors closed and the train was about to head towards Croyden until two amazing guys came to my rescue. They pressed the 'open' button about 1,000 times so the doors would open again.

OK fine, that was just me being stupid and actually the situation was resolved.

Before you ask, no the guys were not hot.

Friday - I had a Vauxhall ADAM for the weekend and on my way home from work I stupidly ran out of petrol despite all of the warning signs. I had to walk to the nearest petrol station.

OK fine, that wasn't bad luck, it was just me being idiotic.

Saturday - A lorry drove on the pavement to overtake a car and nearly knocked me down like a domino. My friends had to pull me out of the way so I didn't get hit - very scary.

OK fine, I didn't ACTUALLY get hit.

Sunday - Despite getting up at 8.30am on a SUNDAY and spending two hours refreshing the website, I DIDN'T get a Glastonbury ticket. I nearly cried.

Overall, I hope you understand why I'm currently lying on my bed listening to Ronan Keating - When You Say Nothing At All, and hugging my elephant. I really thought this year would be my Glasto ticket year.

There have been some positives this week though, let's not always look on the dark and miserable 'I want to punch everyone around me' side. 

Vauxhall are sponsoring the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year Awards this year and they've lent us a Vauxhall ADAM. Therefore, I borrowed it for the weekend and drove to Brighton yesterday... 

a) I've never been to Brighton before and I LOVE IT 

b) I drove for the first time in three years and I really enjoyed it

c) I got to sing my heart out and listen to Heart.FM really loud

d) I could wave at fit guys and drive off (then get stuck at the traffic lights)

e) The Brighton Wheel kindly gave us free tickets and it was incredible 

f) I had the best fish and chips on the beach

g) I got to go through the McDonalds drive thru and eat burgers in the carpark

Here's a photo summary of my happier times.

 Yes, I know two out of three photos involve food...

Right, I'm off to make a cup of tea and sit in a dark room. Have a lovely Sunday. x

P.S. It's my birthday on Thursday so I would start thinking about my birthday present now.

P.P.S. FOLLOW MY NEW TWITTER PAGE

Rule No. 41: Never leave the house when you look horrible

It's typical that you bump into everyone you know when you're looking your worst.

On the way to my fire poi lesson last night I bumped into two people I hadn't seen for ages. I also saw a guy that's a bit of an ex...why did I see him for the first time in months when I'm wearing really scruffy jeans, a creased Uni hoody that's six years old with holes in it, and my hair scraped back with no make up on?!

I obviously acted like I hadn't seen him so he didn't have to see my spotty face up close, but from the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me. Probably nearly vomiting and thinking 'why did I ever go there?'

Although, I can't have looked as horrendous as I felt because a younger, spottier version of Richie from Bottom growled at me when he walked past. GROWLED!

It might not have been a 'sexual' growl though, it could have been an angry growl. Or, maybe he just likes growling?

So my diet officially started yesterday. Although, I did eat a croissant for breakfast and some Minstrels after lunch, so technically the diet started from 3pm. It has now been over 24 hours and I am still on track. 

I am also going to the gym tomorrow. Well I thought I better go before they start sending out a search party.

In other news the Cosmo Lingerie Show tickets are now on sale. I'm ridiculously excited because I helped organise the show, and it's held at One Marylebone, which is a great venue. Although, the last time I was there for the Inside Soap Awards a random man came up to me and told me that 'we were the ugly ones in the room'. Apparently this is a guys way of flirting (?), but all it did was shatter my confidence and it made me want to kick him where it hurts. Especially as I'd actually made an effort to look nice that night. Thanks pal! 

My friends found it hilarious. 

I was meant to go to a film preview tonight for Powder Room, but I got ridiculously lost and missed the first half of the film. Therefore, Aimee and I decided to go to the Jade Garden in Chinatown instead. We were really disappointed to have missed the film so we ate lots of dumplings and prawn crackers to make us feel better. 

OK so I lied. The diet is not on track. 

I'm sorry for lying.

X 

P.S. Cadbury's are releasing a bar with Daim in it. I hope you're as excited as me. I WANT IT IN MY MOUTH NOW.

Rule No. 38: Don't accept flannels off creepy waiters

I feel fat.

Three curry's in under two weeks is quite a lot. I'm supposed to be dieting, or at least trying to.

However, it was really good catching up with Abi, Aimee and Vicki. Even though they got annoyed with me because I wouldn't sit on the tables that were outside. I hate eating outside. It's either too hot and the sun is in your eyes, or it's cold and things are blowing everywhere. And, there's always flies bugging me.

We had our usual catch up chats...work, boys, embarrassing stories... It's Vicki's two year anniversary soon, time has FLOWN BY! We were saying it seemed like yesterday that we were first introduced to her boyfriend at her house party. Aimee shouted 'OMG I was dating chav then' (we nicknamed him chav because, well he was one), and Abi exclaimed 'wow, I was going out with Mark then'.

Guess what I said...

'Yea, I was single then'.

Shock.

We all burst out laughing.

Back to the curry...I always look forward to the hot flannel and mint chocolate at the end just before you get the bill (the worst bit). Although, the flannel smelt a bit musty today, which upset me a little bit. However, it didn't upset me as much as the time I was out for a curry with my parents. The waiter made me pull the flannel out of the plastic wrapping whilst he was holding it. He grabbed it ridiculously tightly so I could only pull the flannel out REALLY slowly. And, he gave me a creepy smile as I pulled the flannel out. I'm pretty sure he was trying to flirt with me in a perverted way. My dad wasn't impressed.

I couldn't look the waiter in the eye afterwards. It gives me creepy shivers just thinking about it.

Moving on.

I am officially a cool person. Abi told me. In fact, Abi said I'm one of the coolest people she knows.

It's all because I had my first fire choreography lesson last night. LOOK!

I am so cool. I wasn't born, I was defrosted.

Peace out.

P.S. Date on Thursday night! 

Rule No.37: Don't pretend you can speak a foreign language

After watching Bridget Jones's Diary, Bridget Jones - The Edge of Reason, Dream Girls and X Factor, and after eating a bacon sandwich, cookies, pasta and Doritos, I finally felt less hungover yesterday.

It was a really good night on Saturday and it was great seeing the uni girls. After the house party (and a lot of gin) we went to The Dolphin in Hackney. I decided that I wanted to be everyone's best friend so I was chatting to EVERYONE and anyone. I got chatting to two guys (both reasonably good looking), one guy was German so I decided to tell him that I speak fluent German. Even though I can hardly speak any... He of course began talking to me in German.

I didn't have a clue.

I just said 'Mein name ist Gina' to at least prove I know a tiny bit.

I then had to embarrassingly admit I was slightly exaggerating when I had said 'fluent'. He laughed, luckily. But, I looked like a right idiot.

I was actually quite proud of myself yesterday, even though I was ridiculously hungover I still managed to do two lots of washing and I even made my friend Sarah a good luck card. She's moving to Bolivia tomorrow, the crazy cat.

I'm so artistic. 

However, on to today...for a Monday morning it has actually been OK. Apart from the DISGUSTING Brazil nut I ate an hour ago. It tasted like mould and the taste was so strong it was making me gag (sorry). I was sitting at my desk so I couldn't just spit it out either. It felt like I was doing a bush tucker trial, I kept chewing really quickly and grabbed my glass of water to help wash it down. It was really really vile, and as you know I'm not very fussy with food. Nevertheless, you'll be glad to know I passed the trial, and I had a Reece's peanut butter cup as a reward (then I had three more).

I'm going to leave you with a video of my hula hoop practise. I am terrible, I move like a hippo.

P.S. I have my first three hour fire poi choreography lesson tonight. Although, I don't trust myself playing with fire for three hours...I've already come to terms with the fact I probably won't have any eyebrows left tomorrow. I've also warned my date that I maybe bald on Thursday.

x

Rule No.36: Don't clean your cupboards out if you're alone

I recommend the Jack the Ripper tour to EVERYONE! I feel like I have learnt so much, even if the gory details were horrific. I thought I was going to pass out at one point.

An American guy filmed the whole 1hr 45 minute tour. Would you really need to watch it again? His camera was on the end of a stick and everything. He poked it over fences and walls. 

We also saw the alley from Harry potter, which was pretty exciting.

Then we went to brick lane for a curry (we're such LADS). It was incredible, £12 for a starter, main, rice, naan and wine. Although, Sarah and I got trapped on the opposite side of the road to the curry house for ages as a ridiculous amount of bikes went past us. It was torture, we could smell the naan bread, but couldn't get to it.

On the tube home I decided to be a nice person and I woke a guy up that was sleeping so that he didn't miss his stop. I couldn't work out if he was really tired or drunk (or both), but when he woke up his eyes were bright red and he was a drunken mess. He didn't seem to be very grateful that I woke him up, and he went straight back to sleep (idiot). All of a sudden I heard some noises next to me...that's right he was sick all over himself. Vile.

Last time I try to be nice...

To make things worse when I got home I found about twenty maggots in my kitchen. I had to spend the rest of the evening bleaching everything. Then I felt really creeped out in bed, panicking that I had them crawling all over me. Errrgh. 

This morning I spent a good few hours cleaning the house and getting rid of the maggots in the kitchen. I found the culprit, they seemed to like eating my pine nuts. This was extremely annoying as they're EXPENSIVE! (good job the Scandinavian diet is on hold).

I then cleaned out the cupboard in the lounge and discovered a gorilla hand.

Later I met up with the uni girls and we went to south bank for a little walk. We also got a hot dog (no onions again, grr). Then, went to the pub for a glass of wine. Aimee took her hair out of her bun and revealed this...

Look familiar?

I'm going to a house party now so wish me boy hunting luck.

x

Rule No.34: Don't try to take sneaky photos

The Scandinavian diet is still on hold.

I had sausage rolls and scotch eggs for dinner. It wasn't entirely my fault, I took a client out for afternoon tea at The Dean Street Townhouse. I'm pretty sure they were expecting me to order scones and mini sandwiches, so I'm hoping their excitement for the sausage rolls wasn't just to be polite. Everyone loves an sausage roll. Don't they?

I also created a new word during the meeting...

When I was telling them that I was looking forward to sorting my bedroom out, I explained that I currently have a lot of 'clatter'.

Fail.

IT'S CLUTTER, GINA!

Ah well, they found it funny and we decided to use the word a lot.

In other news, I had my last intermediate poi lesson last night. Next week I start the FIRE COURSE. Therefore, this could be the last week that I have a full head of hair. It could also be my last week that I am alive.

Talking about being alive, today I wore my Topshop top with lots of tassels on it. It nearly killed me. I got attached to EVERYTHING. The shop assistant had to even untangle me from my basket in Waitrose. (The people behind me in the checkout queue got rather impatient, I thought they were going to run at me like bulls).

On another Waitrose related note, when I was checking out the face wipes I heard a woman tell her kid off. It was the typical parent telling off, "if you don't stop doing that then..."

That's as far as the 'typical' went.

"...you won't be able to have a smoothie".

WHAT?! When I was kid I would have been like 'yea, that's fine I don't want a smoothie anyway". I mean, fair play if the kid likes smoothies, but give the poor kid some cake! (when he's not being a brat and running up and down the aisles).

On a different note, I saw Lee Mead on the tube this morning, I was sitting down and he was standing right in front of me. I could see his Calvin Klein boxers.  And, I am not going to lie, he is a pretty handsome chap. I wanted to take a picture of his boxers for you, but I was slightly worried my flash would accidentally go off, and as he was standing right above me he would have definitely been able to see my screen. I therefore decided to be safe and I just stared at the boxers instead.

The things is, I didn't want a repeat of the time I tried to take a sneaky picture of a monk in Thailand.

He turned around just as I took it.

Luckily he laughed, but I definitely looked like a crazy monk stalker. I mean, look at how close I had speedily walked up behind him so I could take it. The shame.


Date update: It was supposed to be tomorrow night, but unfortunately he needs to go to Liverpool now. Therefore, it is postponed until next week.

It's OK, I will get over it.

Night x

Rule No.33: Don't trust a hot dog man if he doesn't have onions

Well Reading Festival was pretty damn good. I now want to marry Eminem, the main guy from White Lies, the main guy from Foals, the main guy from Hadouken, and the guitarist from Fall Out Boy.

Afterall, I did win 'The Most Likely To Be A Serial Bigamist Award' in Sixth Form, so I think I should be allowed to marry them all.

I had a guest ticket for Reading courtesy of Sophie's amazing boyfriend. So we were very lucky. We had access to clean toilets, a bar with no queue, a nice seating area and access to backstage. The only problem was, my knowledge of what bands look like is TERRIBLE. I couldn't even tell you what most of my favourite bands look like (apart from Mcfly). Therefore, I was probably sharing a bench with someone from White Lies for example, and I wouldn't have known. The only people I actually recognised were Edith Bowman, Greg James and the guy from Hadouken (only because I had just watched him).

Greg James gave me a 'I know you, but can't think how' look when I was next to him at the bar. I decided not to say anything to save any embarrassment. Long story short, I met him at an awards last year...I was very drunk (I had taken advantage of the free cocktails) and kept telling him to grab my bum in a photo. He obviously declined, but I kept pestering him and he definitely thought I was pretty creepy. Therefore, last night I decided to act 'cool' and went to dance instead. Even though my dance moves were far from cool. Especially when Eminem came on, the wannabe rude girl dance moves came out.

On the Saturday we didn't eat after 3pm as we were too busy drinking wine and watching bands. Therefore, at 1am we decided to get a hot dog. First of the all the guy didn't have onions. What kind of hot dog man doesn't have onions??? Then, he put sweetcorn mayo on the hot dog (wtf?). It was odd, and the sausage was too small. Basically, I'm not sure I enjoyed it.

I was also not impressed to discover that the sweetcorn mayo contained bacon. I then moaned 'why didn't he warn us it had bacon in it? What if we were vegetarian?'. It then occurred to me that he had smothered it on a sausage.

To get back to Sophie's friends house that night we called the same taxi man that had dropped us off earlier on. He was an absolute legend, he just told us to call his mobile whenever we needed picking up on both nights, and he came within 15 minutes. The taxi queue was at least an hour long so he really did do us a favour. Therefore, you should always make friends with your taxi driver.

When we were watching Hadouken on Sunday we decided to be brave and go right near the front of the stage. OMG. What a mistake. During their first song they demanded "everyone...washing machines!". I was confused, Sophie was confused, but a load of 16 year olds knew exactly what he was on about. All of a sudden the crowd formed lots of massive circles and people were running around in them like wild boar, bashing into each other and making weird noises. Sophie and I held hands and prayed we weren't going to die. Luckily for us some teenage boys decided to look after us and therefore stopped us from getting crushed. A girl also put her arm round me to protect me. We obviously looked like very scared 'old and uncool people'.

Today I am exhausted. This burger helped though. We went to the Oakford Social Club for lunch before our journey back to London. I want to eat it AGAIN.

So good.

The Scandanavian diet is currently on hold.

I attempted to go to Notting Hill Carnival today, but I got there and it was absolutely crazy. I always forget how I actually don't really like it. I was supposed to be meeting Jade and Eve there, but due to lack of phone signal I ended up walking round on my own for an hour, so I decided to buy a curry from M&S and went home.

Luckily for me, Jade came over to mine to stay tonight, so I still got to see her anyway.

What a beauty.

Oh, I nearly forgot...I met a guy last night. I was dancing to a DJ in the guest area of Reading and I was making a bit of a tit out of myself (you can't attempt to dance like a cool person when Fatboy Slim comes on), but the guy seemed to find it funny. He's a music photographer and he's hot. Very hot. We already decided last night that we want to get married. However, looking back I'm pretty certain (hoping) that it was just drunken talk. Just like when we discussed that our babies would look South American...

Anyway, I think I have a date on Thursday.

Knowing me, it will all go wrong, but lets keep our fingers crossed.

Night x

Rule No.31: There is always a reason why people are staring at you...

OMG I AM SO TIRED.

I came back from Italy at 7pm on Sunday to my newly painted bedroom, which was completely empty...I didn't even have curtains.

By 11.30pm it looked like this (I don't think I did too badly)...

Two days later it looked like this...

OK, that's shameful, but I haven't got home until 10pm for the past two nights and now it's midnight and I'm writing this. I NEED SLEEP.

Monday was actually a pretty good day apart from the mild depression when waking up to no Italian sunshine and pretty mountains. Oh, and my usual wind incident happened... Just as I was walking into my office my skirt completely blew up revealing my whole bum to the guy behind me, which unfortunately for me was a guy that worked on Men's Health who then got into the same lift as me. The phrase 'awkward silence' doesn't even come close to describing the situation. I don't think I have ever stared at my feet so much in my life.

After eating enough pasta in the past week to feed ten rugby teams for an entire year, I have decided I am going on a diet. I have read up about eating like a Scandinavian and I think I could do that. However, I couldn't find rye bread in my local Sainsbury's and thought soda bread would be the same. Apparently I was wrong. However, my lunch did look pretty healthy today.

I did consume a cookie and a bit of Toblerone after, but that's not the point.I still had healthy stuff beforehand.

I had a meeting in the afternoon, where as usual I left the office panicking that I was going to be late. I got so hot from rushing to the meeting that by the time I got to the offices my face looked like someone had squirted me with a water gun.

I couldn't help but notice that people were staring at me during my trek to the meeting. However, in my mad panic I didn't think to wonder why. It wasn't until I reached the reception desk at the offices that I thought to check what I looked like. Oh dear. My dress had unbuttoned down to belly button and my whole bra was on display to the world. Luckily, I was wearing a nice bra and not one of the 'should be white, but is grey and should never be seen' ones.

After my meeting I got a little lost...Note to self, always go the way you came and use breadcrumbs to guide you.

Although, getting lost did mean I got to see my mate Paul.

 I love Paul.

I'm sure you will have all been aware of the One Direction premiere last night. I'm not going to lie, I wish I had been there. My friend Jade got to go and she even got papped with Simon Cowell (kinda). She's the one with the massive grin.

If that was me (and I had some how been lucky enough to get a ticket) I would have probably fallen over just as the photo had been taken, so I think Jade did pretty well here.

I assure you though, if I had been there I would have NOT looked like the below. I mean, I love 1D, but come on this is just silly...

I think the only time I cried like that was when I was ridiculously hungover and the pub had ran out of pie & mash.

I'll leave you with the thought of my face at that current time.

x

Rule No.30: Don't listen to Michael Bublé when you're sad

I'm currently sitting on a train back to London, listening to Michael Bublé - Home. I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!

Neither does Heather. 

I'm seriously considering doing what Colin Firth did in Love Actually...move out to Italy and write a book (or did he go to Spain?). Then fall in love with my Italian servant. Actually, I'll edit that bit of the movie...I'll fall in love with an Italian book publisher that owns a yacht and plays guitar. We can then sail around all day eating watermelon. 

Oh, I miss the watermelon. A waiter at the hotel used to bring me a piece every afternoon whilst I was lying like a whale on my sun lounger. 

I miss laying there and staring at the mountains. From now on I will only have a post office to look out at from my bedroom window...what a contrast. Maybe I should paint some mountains on my window.

I also miss Yari, the hotel pianist. For our last night he played all of our favourite songs (without us even asking) and he changed the names in one song to Gina and Heather. So cute! 

Here he is: 

On the plane back we had a pretty frightful experience. It was like something out of a horror movie. It kept moving. 

Poor child. He was peacefully sleeping while we were laughing/freaking out. 

Right I'm going to stare out of the window and daydream. Well it's not like I have anyone to talk to...

Our 4am start has obviously worn her out. Either that or I'm ridiculously boring. Probably both. 

Bye x