Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x

Rule No.65: Be careful of what it says on your t-shirt

I had a £100 Selfridges voucher so I decided to treat myself. 

Eek. 

I don't know what's happened to me. I'd usually buy a purse from Primark. 

Ah well, as the 'cool' kids say...YOLO. 

I didn't buy the below (obviously), but thought it was too funny not to share. 

Basically, it's a top saying 'I'm a slut'.

Or have I got it wrong? 

And yes, my hat is a sheep's face. 

Whilst I was shopping I realised that every time I'm in a shop I'm always really conscious of how I act. I'm constantly scared security guards or shop assistants think I look suspicious. Does anyone else feel like this or am I just a paranoid Pamela? 

Obviously I don't steal stuff by the way. Except the plastic forks in Pret sometimes.

I know you already think I'm a bit odd, but you're about to think I'm even weirder...I've started taking sleeping tablets to help me sleep. Herbal ones. On Sunday night I was up until 3am keeping a look out for mice and screeching every time I heard the slightest noise. However, the last few nights I have slept amazingly. I've also learnt that having Magic FM on in the background makes me sleep better as I don't listen out for any scratching or rustling of mice. Just to make this clear, I haven't actually seen or heard a mouse for about three weeks so I know they've gone. I just can't get the fear of seeing them in my room out of my head.

I did however have a horrible thing happen to me on Monday night. You know that awful moment when you suddenly realise that one day you're not going to be alive? And you keep thinking, 'no, that can't be true', 'OMG it actually is'. A sudden realisation that one day you're going to die and you just can't get over it. Oh I hate it, it really freaks me out. I had to on Tinder to take my mind off it (any excuse).

Diet news, I've been proudly striding through the office with Scandinavian food this week. 

AND today I went for a pub lunch for Holly's birthday and I had a SALAD! I would usually have a burger so obviously I was pretty proud of myself. The thing is, it's the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year Awards next Thursday and I want to be thinner. Not sure what can happen in a week, but every little helps. Plus, there's bound to be some fit celebs there. My colleagues have told me to try and snog at least three men. I'm aiming lower so I'm hoping to at least get one hug from a male. A proper hug, not a 'oh hello, nice to meet you' hug.  

Come on fat, BURN.
Night x

Rule No.6: When the gym emails you to say they're worried about you it's time to start going to the gym again

Well today has been interesting. Obviously the diet went out of the window again. I had a client breakfast this morning, which consisted of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast. Then I had a River Island press event, where I got a free cronut (croissant and doughnut). In all fairness I only had a bite - it was very greasy and I'm not sure I liked it. Then, at another press event there was a chocolate stand with free samples...I don't need to explain much more. THEN I went to lunch with a girl that was leaving and had a fish burrito and THEN tonight I had a picnic, which consisted of crisps, bread, cheese, olives, cake...

To make matters worse I received an email from my gym this morning as they are worried about me. I've been once in the last two months and they're concerned to why I haven't been going. It's just so hard going after work when I get invites to go to the pub or for dinner!! However, I need to be strict. I don't want to be Mr Blobby in Italy! I'll try again tomorrow...

Here's the cronut:

On a non food/gym related note, when I was coming back from my meeting this morning I noticed there was a used plaster (bandaid) stuck to my foot. VOM. I tried scraping my foot on the floor (doing this when walking down Carnaby Street isn't the best look), but it wasn't working and I was worried people would think I was scraping dog muck off my shoe. I therefore decided to do a little shuffle now and again, which didn't work. My friend then attempted to use her shoe to help get it off, but that didn't work either. I finally decided to just pretend it wasn't there and sort it out when I got to my desk. Of course, when I got to my desk I completely forgot about it. Five hours later I looked down and saw the disgusting thing, and yes I had to use my fingers. I then forgot I did this and had a bite of the above cronut. Let's just hope I don't have any diseases.

Later on today I discovered a picture of me IN MY BIKINI on the Daily Mail. I was mortified/horrified/confused all in one go...how the hell did they get this picture??? A picture that I removed from my timeline on Facebook, because I didn't like it...and it was now on the bloody Daily Mail. I eventually discovered my friend had sent it in (I have no idea why) without even asking me. Disaster. Some people would say I'm now famous, some people would say it's very embarrassing. I'd 100% go with the latter. If you want to see it, then here you go.  It's one of the last photos and I have a red polka dot bikini on. Cringinghell.

That will be enough shame for today.

Night x

Rule No.5: Sometimes dieting is not sociably acceptable

It's 12.50am UK time, so I'm running late on this blog. The pub was far too tempting.

OK, so yesterday I said I was going to start dieting today...it started well, I had prawn salad for lunch. But, then I remembered we had a Fire Poi 'party' tonight, which basically consisted of alcohol and party food. There were doughnuts, crisps, chocolate and Pimms. Obviously refusing any of these would have just been morally wrong and extremely ungrateful. Therefore, I consumed a large bag of bacon rasher crisps, two doughnuts, two glasses of Pimms and two beers. I probably didn't need to be that keen, of course I was just trying to show how much I was enjoying the party. The diet starts tomorrow. Hopefully.

Tonight, my teacher whilst drunk and I think a little stoned told me I remind her of a Buddha. I'm presuming and HOPING this is because I'm pretty chilled and laid back. However, if I find out she meant I looked like a Buddha then I will probably have to kick her profusely next week, and of course whack her with my Buddha belly.

On a different note, BIC had a press event in our offices today and they had a caricaturist, so I obviously got mine done. I always knew my nose was big, my eyes were small and my cheeks were chubby, but there was no need for him to really emphasise it was there...I suppose he at least gave me big white shark teeth and a mouth like the Joker. Great.

I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm sorry if I've just been talking crap. I'm going to attempt to sleep in this 100 degree room, where I already have sweat dripping off my face and I still have the window open. I'm hoping I don't wake up tomorrow cooked through like a spit roasted chicken. Minus the spit roast.

Night x

Rule No.4: When your local takeaway know who you are, it's time to stick to salad

Sometimes in life you have one of those days that makes you see things differently. Today has been one of those days.

Firstly, I got my photo taken for the October issue of Cosmo and I look bloody terrible. Even with a professional photographer and professional lighting I am never going to be a model. Obviously this has always been clear, but today made it crystal.

Secondly, I went to the Bedford in Balham (a local pub) and they usually have really cool bands play on Mon-Thurs, but tonight it was a college band night. However, after contemplating leaving we stayed and it was actually pretty good and I realised that I  quite like metal music, so maybe I'm not just an indie girl after all. But, most of all I realised that it was 7 years ago since I was at college. Time goes too fast, and I am now starting to feel old.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I've been meaning to sort my life out and diet/go to the gym for a couple of months now. However, I just keep putting it off. I like to say it's just because I've been ridiculously busy and stressed, but really it's because I like food and I don't particularly like exercise. Tonight however, I walked past my local fish and chip shop and the guy that works there waved at me. That is when I realised that I need to sort myself out. I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT be known as a local in the chippy. From now on I am going to be eating salad, and just salad. The chip shop man will have to beg me to return. BEG.

This is my sad face.


On a lighter note, I'm addicted to this guy at the moment - Benjamin Francis Leftwich

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