Rule No.46: Don't turn 25

I'm turning 25 in a few weeks and I already feel like it's going to be the start of something terrible. I have a smear test booked for the day after my birthday (vom). Not only this, but I will no longer be able to use my young persons railcard, which means I will have to pay FULL PRICE for my train tickets.

Can it get any worse?

Yes, but I can't think of any other reasons why yet...

It definitely won't get any better on the guy front anyway. Especially if I keep scaring guys off. I messaged a guy on Tinder last night saying 'I am a hippy'.

I blame gin. 

I'm obviously not a hippy, but after consuming a lot of gin and after spinning fire poi for three hours I began to believe that I was.

Look at me!

Interestingly though, the Tinder guy actually replied and asked me out for a drink. Maybe he likes hippies... I on the other hand don't want to go for a drink with him, so I haven't replied.

That's right Jay-Z, I have 99 problems and guys are definitely one. In fact,  I have many guy related problems:

1) I very rarely like anyone
2) I get put off easily (e.g. if they like Branston Pickle)
3) When I do like someone, they don't like me

4) When someone likes me, I don't like them
5) I send guys random messages thinking I'm funny, but actually they just think I'm a weirdo
6) I attract weirdos (yes I do realise that I have just referred to myself as a weirdo too)
7) I'm genuinely scared I have bigger muscles than a lot of guys

The diet isn't getting any better either.

My colleague bought us some biscuits this afternoon and my director PURPOSELY put them on my desk. 

I don't think I did too badly. I had one Rich Tea biscuit, one Viscount and two Fingers. It could have been a lot worse.

I am definitely impressed with myself for not eating a Hobnob.

Right, I'm off to bed.

Guten nacht x

Rule No.16: Always remember to brush your teeth

It's not the best start to a Monday morning when the fire alarm goes off. The whole office did the 'do you think it's real? Let's just stay at our desks for a few minutes to see' thing. It only occurred to me as I slowly picked up my phone and dragged my feet towards the nearest fire exit that 'sh*****t, I'm the department fire warden'. I then of course made sure that everyone had left the department floor before I made an escape. I would like to say it's a rather heroic job, I could have saved lives (if it wasn't a drill).

When I finally got outside there was a big cheer and everyone praised me for my bravery. I wish. My team laughed at me. Apparently they are getting a little concerned that I have some kind of 'fire fetish'. I suppose not everyone learns fire poi and volunteers to be the work fire warden. I don't think they have anything to worry about until I start making fires at my desk. Although, I have become a little addicted to lighting the spray from an orange peel when you squeeze it really hard. I recently learnt the trick at a cocktail making masterclass. I'm not very good.

We ended up standing outside for about 10 minutes whilst all of our floors were checked for any signs of fire. Obviously we all chatted amongst ourselves (standing in silence would just have been weird). However, I probably shouldn't have talked to anyone. I stupidly forgot to brush my teeth this morning and I hadn't had a drink either. I felt disgusting. I hate that whole awkward trying to cover your mouth with your hand, taking a little step backward so you're not too close to the other person thing. Lesson learnt.

Tonight I met up with a couple of girls from home that were in London for the day. We went to Wahaca and stuffed our faces with mexican food. As usual we ordered too much so I challenged Sinead to Man Vs Food. As you can see from the picture, it didn't go too well.

We still ordered dessert.

Random thought...on my way home I noticed a sign for a missing cat. At first I felt sorry for the cat, and then sorry for the owners. However, it then dawned on me...why would you print a black and white picture of your cat? Surely that doesn't make people instantly recognise it? Or, maybe because I don't like cats I find it harder to notice the difference between them. But, surely a black and white photo doesn't tell you what colour the cat actually is? I wouldn't look at and go "oooh yeaaa that's the ginger cat I saw this morning". Therefore, I have decided that the owner is either very stupid, lazy or doesn't actually care that it's missing. Either that or I'm just a narrow minded cat hater.

Night x 

Rule No.10: The royal baby is allowed to steal your thunder

Today I had my first Fire Poi lesson with REAL FIRE. It was 33 degrees and I had to wear black jeans, a black t-shirt and throw fire around. I was a sweaty mess, but who cares, I bloody did it. And, I only managed to hit myself three times. AND, I did not set myself on fire. Overall, it was reasonably successful. Therefore, it won't be long until I'm like this:

OK, I'm being rather optimistic. It won't be long until I'm like this:

Too far.

Anyway, none of this really matters as I haven't just popped out the future king. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. It must also be weird for William to think that his son won't be king until he's dead. OK, that's a weird thing to think and probably hasn't even crossed Big Willy's mind. On another note, I hope the baby isn't ginger (no offence) and doesn't have William's nose, as my daughter is going to marry him. Even if there is a 20 year difference.

I'm going to attempt to get up early tomorrow and take a picture of the easel on the way to work (if it's still there). If I manage to do it then of course I'll post it on here :)

On a disappointing note, I tweeted Boris Johnson to ask if we can have Monday off work, but he hasn't replied. Therefore, I'm guessing we don't get a bank holiday for a Royal baby being born. Worth a try anyway.

I need to shower as I smell of paraffin.

Happy New Royal Baby Day.

Night x