Rule No.65: Be careful of what it says on your t-shirt

I had a £100 Selfridges voucher so I decided to treat myself. 

Eek. 

I don't know what's happened to me. I'd usually buy a purse from Primark. 

Ah well, as the 'cool' kids say...YOLO. 

I didn't buy the below (obviously), but thought it was too funny not to share. 

Basically, it's a top saying 'I'm a slut'.

Or have I got it wrong? 

And yes, my hat is a sheep's face. 

Whilst I was shopping I realised that every time I'm in a shop I'm always really conscious of how I act. I'm constantly scared security guards or shop assistants think I look suspicious. Does anyone else feel like this or am I just a paranoid Pamela? 

Obviously I don't steal stuff by the way. Except the plastic forks in Pret sometimes.

I know you already think I'm a bit odd, but you're about to think I'm even weirder...I've started taking sleeping tablets to help me sleep. Herbal ones. On Sunday night I was up until 3am keeping a look out for mice and screeching every time I heard the slightest noise. However, the last few nights I have slept amazingly. I've also learnt that having Magic FM on in the background makes me sleep better as I don't listen out for any scratching or rustling of mice. Just to make this clear, I haven't actually seen or heard a mouse for about three weeks so I know they've gone. I just can't get the fear of seeing them in my room out of my head.

I did however have a horrible thing happen to me on Monday night. You know that awful moment when you suddenly realise that one day you're not going to be alive? And you keep thinking, 'no, that can't be true', 'OMG it actually is'. A sudden realisation that one day you're going to die and you just can't get over it. Oh I hate it, it really freaks me out. I had to on Tinder to take my mind off it (any excuse).

Diet news, I've been proudly striding through the office with Scandinavian food this week. 

AND today I went for a pub lunch for Holly's birthday and I had a SALAD! I would usually have a burger so obviously I was pretty proud of myself. The thing is, it's the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year Awards next Thursday and I want to be thinner. Not sure what can happen in a week, but every little helps. Plus, there's bound to be some fit celebs there. My colleagues have told me to try and snog at least three men. I'm aiming lower so I'm hoping to at least get one hug from a male. A proper hug, not a 'oh hello, nice to meet you' hug.  

Come on fat, BURN.
Night x

Rule No. 64: Avoid creepy moustaches

Winter Wonderland has been open for three days and guess how many times I've been...

TWICE!

I'm addicted.

Please see below for a photo of me eating a sausage on both occasions.

I have also consumed five mulled wines. It's officially Christmas time. 

Look how happy Sara and I are about this.

Although, it is still November so maybe we should all calm down a bit.

I must say I am loving the moustaches this November. I think they should do a Mocember too. Just think about it, we'd raise more money and awareness for prostate and testicular cancer, and I can perve on the guys with moustaches throughout December too. That's right, I think I have a thing for moustaches. Not the creepy ones though, or the ones that trap food. Therefore, not these ones:

I'm not sure which one is worse.

Here's a fit picture of my friend Suze who is also supporting Movember by posting a photo of herself wearing a different moustache each day.

No, the moustache isn't real, but yes she does look like John Cleese. Only by wearing the moustache of course.

In other news, I don't know what is happening to me this evening, but I keep doing weird things. In the past hour I have taken a cucumber into the shower (by accident), washing powder into my bedroom and poured milk into my glass of water. I'm starting to get concerned that all of my brain cells have been killed by the large amount of German sausage I have consumed.

Bye bye.

x

Rule No.63: Don't talk about big sausages in public

I survived. 

I'm not talking about the plane journey either because that's always OK (unless you crash). I just listen to Noel Gallagher, watch romantic films that make me cry and take advantage of the free food and drink. 

Although, I need to stop eating so much (shock) as I have officially put on weight. Rather than being hourglass I'm more of a potato. A baked potato to be precise as it's squishy. I was planning on going to the gym tomorrow night, but I forgot I'd made plans to go to Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park. Therefore, I'll be drinking a lot of mulled wine and eating lots of German sausage instead (not a euphemism/metaphor). 

Talking about sausage. My manager is going to Winter Wonderland tonight and I realised after we hugged goodbye outside of work that I probably shouldn't have shouted "make sure you eat lots of sausage tonight!"

The man selling the Big Issue looked most amused. 

So anyway, back to surviving. My plane landed in Heathrow Airport at 6.30am this morning and I only slept for about an hour on the flight. I got back to my house at 8.30am, put a wash on, had a quick sleep and then headed into work at 1pm. The lack of sleep and the time difference made me look and feel like a zombie. A pale and unattractive one at that. 

When I saw my colleague Charlotte and shouted hello, she suddenly exclaimed  "oh Gina, why do you sound like Barry White?" Bloody charming. 

I do though. 

I must say as much as I love America  (and I would like to live there for at least a year one day), I do love London. Even though it's bitterly cold and I need a man to hold my hand, or preferably two men so both hands can keep warm. I just love the buzzy atmosphere, unique shops and cool little places to eat. I noticed a new restaurant has opened called Muriel's Kitchen on Old Compton Street. I looked at the menu and they sell fish pie and chilli con carne. I'm sold.

Maybe I should be looking at the salads now instead of the pies...

Right, I should probably get some much needed beauty sleep before my face causes people to run away and hide.

Good night x

Rule No.62: Just because it's fluffy it doesn't make it OK

It's my last night.

NOOO! I don't want to go home.

That is supposed to be my crying face, but the dog got in the way. 

My dad is also crying. 

Well, he's actually yawning, but it looks like he's crying...

Today we went to the mall. I could have spent thousands of dollars, but instead I was a massive granny. I bought a towel and a jumper. Who goes to America and buys a towel? 

It was just so fluffy and I liked the shade of pink. Plus, it was $7, bargain! 

I nearly bought a Martha Stewart throw too, which was on offer. However, I stopped myself before my false teeth fell out.

The ice hockey game last night was a lot of fun. To get into the spirit I borrowed my sister in laws 'Carolina Hurricanes' hat, bought a foam finger and I bought a pumpkin beer. It was great, despite our team losing. 

The pumpkin beer was tasty though. I think it was pretty strong as I kept getting the giggles. Either that or pumpkin gives you the giggles (slightly ironic for Halloween). 

I also went to the zoo yesterday and I had my first ever circus experience today. I now want to be an acrobat. I might start with the less risky moves, like hula hooping. Then I'll go on to the trapeze. 

In other news, one of the guys from Tinder added me on Facebook the other day and we've been chatting. He asked me if the word 'oi' means yes. Can you believe Americans don't use 'oi'? I'm pretty sure I use the word at least once an hour. Weird. 

On that note, I'm going to leave you with some top American facts (mainly food related). Most are actually my personal opinion:

1) Cook-Out has the best milkshakes

2) Blue Moon is the best beer 

3) Traders Joes has the best New York style cheesecake 

4) The postman drives to each house and puts the post in the mail box through his van window. Therefore, the drivers seat is on the right hand side

5) Americans don't understand the English accent when you ask for a glass of water 

6) Around autumn everything seems to be pumpkin flavour, and around Christmas everything turns to peppermint 

There's plenty more, but I'm tired and can't think. 

Good night and speak to you when I'm back in England! 

P.S. Can you believe how good I have been at looking after babies? Who would have thought it. 

I'm like a mix of Dr Dolittle and Mary Poppins. 

Not quite. 

X 

Rule No.61: Always check your outfit in the mirror before you leave the house

I'm currently sitting here with my new mates trying to forget the fact I have a hangover. 

The problem with sleeping on the sofa is at 8am every morning I get woken up by a tongue licking my face. 

Just to make this clear, it's a dog tongue. 

I'm not sure why I felt the need to make that clear.  

Yesterday was an amazing day. It was Tom and Susanna's wedding, which was in a beautiful barn in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Everything about the day was perfect. The ceremony was beautiful and everyone cried (including me), the speeches were brilliantly funny, the music was amazing (Mumford and Sons, The Lumineers, Temptations) and the cake was UNBELIEVABLE. 

The problem with weddings is that they make you realise how single you actually are. For example, the table plan: 

Also, when the slow songs are played and the DJ announces "please can all of the couples come to the dance floor for this song" you get left at the edge of the dance floor drinking wine and smiling (deep down wanting to push all of the couples over).  However, I was soon back on the dance floor when Twist and Shout came on. 

One of the funniest moments of the day must have been during the exchanging of the vows when my two year old nephew, Luke suddenly farted. It was so loud and he just sat there like nothing had happened. Oh the shame. 

But seriously, what a beautiful setting. 

And the reception: 

After eating carbs for breakfast and lunch I made sure I wore my trusted pants to attempt to make my belly look flat. 

It only occurred to me after the wedding ceremony that the slit at the back of my dress actually revealed these sexy pants. Not the best thing for people to notice. This added to the fact that I forgot to zip my dress to the very top so I was walking round with my zip undone for most of the day.

What a mess. 

Anyway, I'm off to walk round the lakes to try to make my head feel better. 

Congratulations Mr and Mrs Haxell on such a wonderful day. 

Good bye x

P.S. I'm going to a hockey game tomorrow. I'm going to buy a corndog and a foam finger. 

Rule No.60: Don't trust dogs when taking selfies

I made it to North Carolina and I have finally met my new niece.

Her name is Rachel, not Simba. 

I am not a Mandrill either. 

So far I seem to have an addiction to taking yawning selfies. Although, my yawns are fake (I probably don't need to tell you this as it's rather obvious). 

However, this one went a little wrong as the dog tried to lick my face. 

Food wise, I have been pretty normal so far. I had weetabix for breakfast. Then again, I had pumpkin American pancakes for lunch. They were amazing. 

Obviously I have been on Tinder already, having a little hunt for hot American men. I have been talking to a doctor called Eric so far. I've noticed that the American Tinder profiles include a lot of pictures with dogs and a lot of fishing action shots. 

The flight was pretty good yesterday and I got to watch Monsters University, which I've wanted to watch for ages. It made me cry though, which was pretty awkward and slightly embarrassing. I didn't expect a cartoon about monsters to make me cry. 

It was weird yesterday as my parents actually told me to look after the boarding passes and passports. That's when you know you're grown up and trusted. Say that, I did just tell you I watched Monsters University on the plane.

Right, I'm off to go shopping. 

Catch up soon you guys (so American already). 

X 

Rule No.59: Want to attract guys? Get a night guard.

I'm currently sitting in Heathrow airport, ready to get on a plane to North Carolina (with a short stop in NYC). I'm so unbelievably excited. Don't worry I'll be posting many American style blogs whilst I'm over there. Mainly ones with me stuffing my face with bagels, cinnamon buns, peanut butter and corn dogs. 

Not too much has happened since my last blog post to be honest, but I did have my fire poi show on Monday night. 

Here's the bridge we do the show under. I always feel like we look like thugs. 

Once again I got pretty drunk so that I was calmer when throwing the fire around. I hit myself on the head twice and I didn't even care. Alcohol is the way forward. And slightly dangerous...

My friend Aimee came to watch the show, as well as Emma, Jazz, Heather and Lucy (I felt pretty popular). Aimee emailed me the next day with the words "I loved the show last night, I liked watching you wiggle." 

What a strange girl. It made me LOL at my desk though. 

Going back to alcohol...after my large consumption on Monday night it allowed me to sleep through the night without panicking about the mice. Since I'm the only one in my house that has actually seen the mice at night, I'm starting to wonder whether my snoring has the pied piper effect. 

I do genuinely think I might need to see a hypnotist though. I need to stop being so afraid of finding mice in my room. I don't even think I have them anymore, but even the slightest sound of the wind outside and I jump out of bed. I saw a fly yesterday and screamed. A bloody fly. 

I'm about to board the plane so I'm going to leave you with images of my new night guard. It's to help stop me grinding my teeth at night as apparently my jaw likes to do that. 

I don't want to end up with stumps instead my normal sized gnashers. 

What a sexy beast. 

P.S. I don't know why my mouth looks ridiculously wonky. 

Come and get me boys. 

X 

Rule No.58: Don't wear floaty dresses on the tube

It's Sunday, the day of rest.

Today was not a restful day.

After consuming a rather large amount of wine and gin last night I woke up this morning with a slight hangover. However, after some beans on toast and a cup of tea (I shouted for Heather to make me the tea and she surprisingly did...maybe I should save my voice next time and buy a bell to ring). 

I showered, tidied my room, put a wash on, tidied the kitchen and then swept up all of the leaves in my front garden. Then, I went to WHSmiths to buy wrapping paper, THEN to Waitrose to buy chocolate to take to my friend Sara's house as her boyfriend was making me a Sunday roast (well not just me, but I like to feel special). I presumed you should buy people a gift when they're providing dinner? Chocolate is always a good gift. Unless you're diabetic or on a diet of course, then it's a terrible gift. 

Check out the amazing roast, it was so incredible I think I'll be dreaming about it for weeks.

The picture doesn't do it justice.

The company was pretty damn good. 

What a cheerful bunch.

The below photo from Saturday night isn't so nice though...apparently gin makes you think you look a lot better than you do. I mean, why did we think this was a good idea?

I AM POUTING whilst everyone else is just looking at my phone.

Oh dear.

Anyway, instead of blabbering on I thought I would give you a little list of news:

• Pedro never got in touch. I don't really get this as he was so persistent to get my number. Men are weird.
• Someone stopped and asked me on Oxford Street if I would like to enrol on a course to learn English. I must look even more foreign than I thought.
• I wore a floaty (maternity style) dress on Wednesday and was then paranoid on the tube that people would think I was pregnant. I prayed all the way to Oxford Circus that someone wouldn't offer me a seat. My prayers worked, but I was a paranoid Pamela the whole journey. 
• It is never a good idea to drink an espresso martini to pass the time while your glass of Prosecco is being poured. I learnt the hard way.
• When you're at a cool party (the Schuh launch party to be precise) don't chase the waiter serving slices of pizza, just act cool and wait for him to offer you a slice. Otherwise you'll end up looking like a tit when you finally get to him and realise he's run out. Like running for the bus and missing it, but worse because you look like a massive pig. Not that this happened to me of course. 

My next blog post is probably going to be from North Carolina as I'm going over to visit my brother, sister in law, nephew and my new niece on Wednesday!

There's a lot about the trip I am excited about. For example, I can't wait for plane food. 

Night x

Rule No.57: Mice are stalkers

Im currently at Aimee's pad taking some time out from the mouse that has decided to have a permanent sleepover (uninvited) at my house. 

Monday night was a particularly miserable evening. I'd had two glasses of red wine during my fire poi lesson (it helps calm me down when I'm throwing fire...probably a little dangerous, but I am basically Batman now). When I got home I had a shower to wash all of the paraffin off, and I then passed out in my bed. However, after sleeping like a princess (the ogre version) for a number of hours I was woken up at 3am by the wonderful sound of a mouse rustling around in a plastic bag. 

What I really don't understand about this situation is that I had shoes in the plastic bag, SHOES!!! The stupid mouse, why did it feel the need to wake me up just so it could get to my SHOES. They're not made of chocolate and mice do not wear shoes.

Anyway, I thought I'd just go and sleep on the sofa instead of causing a fuss by waking my housemates up. So, I stumbled and grumbled to the sofa, closed the door and turned off the light. Two minutes later I could hear the mouse squeezing through the tiny gap between the door and the carpet.

The bloody knob head FOLLOWED me into the lounge. 

That was the final straw. I had to wake one of my housemates up. I got my elephant (my 'teddy bear') and slept in Heather's bed. I instantly felt safer knowing I had both my elephant and Heather to protect me. However, the mouse still followed me in my mind as I then kept having horrible dreams about it. 

And, this is why I'm currently here at Aimee's house. 

I woke up this morning, packed my overnight bag and went to work feeling instantly happier that I could escape theknob head  for a night. 

It wasn't until midday that I actually asked Aimee if I could stay over (I knew she'd let me). Therefore, when I met her after work she was a little confused to how I had an overnight bag already packed... 'Gina, did you pack before asking me?' 

Busted.

We both just looked at each other and burst out laughing. 

That is true friendship. 

I'm going to leave you with a photo of my wannabe husband. 

 

Good night from me and my pal Aimee x

 

Ignore Aimee, she has just fake tanned...there is no excuse for me on the other hand.

Rule No.56: Don't chat to a guy outside the door to the toilets

I am currently watching Grease, eating Phad Thai and loving life.

I shouldn't be though, I got home at 9am this morning after staying up all night at a house party. Since when did my life become an episode of Skins? (well, not quite).

Hayley, Aimee and I decided to have a girlie night out, which started at the Hoxton Bar and Grill in Shoreditch. However, when the lights came on a 2am we didn't want to go home so we went to the Dolphin in Hackney. This is where we met some Brazilian men who invited us to a house party and we had a bit of a 'YOLO' moment. We left the Dolphin at 5am and went to the house party, we drank Brazilian alcohol, learnt to dance the samba and I did a poi show using socks. It wasn't until 8am that we decided we should probably go home and sleep.

Before the night began:

Our stamps from the Dolphin:

Some of our new Brazilian friends:

Luckily I was drinking water from 7am so I feel fine today! I also slept until 3pm... I genuinely think we've made some new friends, we've even been invited to stay with them in Rio during the world cup (not that this will actually happen). I've also exchanged numbers with a guy called Pedro. You know how much I like a foreign man...

In other news, I HAVE MICE. Not the cute kind in a glass cage either, the unwanted kind that wees and poos all over your house.

I have slept on the sofa since Tuesday after discovering mouse poo next to my pillow. I saw it, looked at it and exclaimed "ARE YOU F*CKING JOKING". I nearly cried. This was the first time I realised I had mice. However, I've put three mouse traps down and nothing has happened, I haven't seen or heard anything these past few days either. Therefore, I'm going to pick up the courage to sleep in my own bed tonight. Don't worry I've washed my bed sheets!

Just to clear things up...my house is very clean. Unfortunately, having mice in London is extremely common.

Anyway, as I haven't blogged for a while I thought I'd create a list of my weekly highlights and low lights.

Highlights:
1) I went to see Foxes play at the Google HQ. She's really good! The Google offices made me green with envy though, there's also a lot of good looking men there. I'm starting to think that I should start hanging around outside the offices
2) My friend Christian and I went to the photography exhibition at the Natural History Museum. It was so GOOD!!
3) I ate an amazing cupcake
4) My friend Hayley bought me a beautiful bracelet as a belated birthday present
5) I didn't burn myself in my fire poi class on Monday
6) I've consumed a lot of Baileys

Low lights:
1) Discovering mice, OBVIOUSLY
2) Getting screamed at on the tube by a guy wearing a scary clown mask (he was trying to scare me)
3) Being freaked out when stopped and asked to take a photograph for a skeleton on Oxford Street (Halloween outfit)
4) Sleeping on the sofa
5) Chatting to a guy on Thursday night while I was waiting for the toilet and my friend shouting 'Gina don't make it smell in there'

Overall, this week has been pretty good.

Good night people. x