Rule No.55: Don't hang out with dogs at house parties. You are not a dog, you are human.

I'm on a train again. This time I'm going back to London and this time I'm in FIRST CLASS. I have so far had a  free sandwich, a packet of crisps, two coffees, a rocky road and I am sat next to Katie Piper. I might have to do this more often. 

Leeds was a fun weekend (I was actually staying in Ackworth, but it's easier to say Leeds). Although, I couldn't have been more like Bridget Jones if I tried. I spent Friday night watching tv with Jo and her boyfriend Gareth. We ate pizza and scoffed the chocolate that was supposed to be given to trick or treaters next week. 

Then on Saturday I went wedding and bridesmaid dress shopping in York with Jo and her sister. Despite the fact I'm not going to be a bride (ever probably) or a bridesmaid. I did get to drink free champagne and cocktails though. I enjoyed myself. 

Saturday night I went to Gareth's family's Halloween party. Everyone was either married, in a relationship or under the age of 21 so there was no pulling potential. Sorry to disappoint. 

The party was eventful. We were all very drunk, I consumed my bottle of gin by 8pm and then told Gareth's dad (two minutes after being introduced) that I was bound to make a tit out of myself. An hour later I was lying on the floor of the kitchen feeding the two Labradors apple pie. Apparently everyone really liked me though. 

I remember Gareth's uncle bench pressing me at one point. My back feels a little bruised today. 

This was my favourite Halloween costume of the night. 

I on other hand went as something really original... 

Not.

I think I'd quite like to be a goth now. A tanned one.

Also, just because I like being really kind to my friends, here's a photo of Jo. She was like this most of the day today whilst I caught up on Xfactor and watched Family Guy. 

Great hostess she was...

When Jo finally woke up we discussed how many celebs people seem to think I look like. The newest one being Luke Friend from XFactor. 

I thought I'd create a visual list for you, so here we go: 

Ok, so the duck isn't a celeb.

The only celeb/animal I probably don't understand is David Mitchell. The rest I can kind of see...

I realised today that I haven't told you something. I've been on Guardian Soulmates for a week now. I decided (after consuming a lot of baileys) that I would trial it for a month. Not really sure why, but I think I'm addicted to testing dating websites. Not that I ever use them properly. 

So far it hasn't been great...I haven't wanted to reply to any of the messages I have received and the guys I have messaged haven't replied (I'm hoping they don't use their profile any more or have become dinosaurs). Although, I don't really blame them for not replying as my messages are never great. For example, 'Nice dog'. 

Yes, that's all I wrote. I thought it was a good idea at the time. 

I'll keep you updated. 

X 

Rule No.54: Always sit next to someone wearing headphones

I've just woken up. 

I'm currently on a train to Leeds... and about two hours ago I consumed half a bottle of Prosecco. On a Friday afternoon this makes you very tired, well it made me tired anyway. I'm glad the man sitting next to me is wearing headphones as I was bound to be snoring. I mean, I snore anyway, but when I'm a little drunk I sound like a lawn mower (my housemate at uni thought the sound was a lawn mower outside once). 

I understand this makes me sound extremely unattractive. 

I've been meaning to say this for a while now, I'm really sorry I don't blog as much as I used to. I really wish I could, but I don't get home until at least 9pm most nights and it's very difficult to find time when I get home. I'm only getting six hours sleep as it is. I still love you though so please don't take it personally. 

This week I have consumed a lot of steak. Well only one steak, but it was big and usually I'm a pescatarian (except for chicken and sausages). 

I went to the Dean Street Townhouse for dinner on Tuesday night with a client. It's a bit of a gentleman's club and there are often some kind of celebs in there. It has really nice food (extremely good scotch eggs). However, I think because of all the men in there, I became a man. I had a whiskey and ginger for my drink, scallops for starter (not so manly) and a massive ribeye for main. The knife they gave me to cut it with was like a butchers knife. I felt both masculine and powerful. And I didn't have dessert!! I always have dessert. 

Wednesday night I went to see Jake Bugg at Brixton Academy. He was so good, it's rare an artist sounds exactly like they do on their album when they're live. He was one of those rarities.

The only problem was that throughout his whole performance two REALLY LOUD Scottish girls decided to chat about their day. Why they couldn't wait until after the gig I do not know. They were discussing Katie Price, work, boys...all sorts. I nearly had to turn round and tell them to shut up, but I hate being that person. Even though I'm sure people would have appreciated it, I would have felt like a moaning old woman. 

I did feel like I had really aged at the gig though. I would have always pushed to the front and faced being crushed, covered in sweat and getting my feet trod on when I was younger. Just so I could get a little closer to the stage. I now enjoy standing nearer the back (towards the side) so I can watch without any pushing. Soon I'll be bringing my own armchair to sit on. 

In other news, my friend Christian has bought me a ticket for the photography exhibition I wanted to go to (mentioned in my last blog post). Therefore, I'm going next week! What an amazing guy. He also knows me too well... he had to ask if 11.30am was too early for us to go, which proves our friendship. 

I'll be honest, it is pretty early for a Saturday. 

However, I'm going to make the effort to actually get out of my onesie and leave the house next weekend.

Right, I'm about to arrive in Leeds. 

Have a lovely weekend! 

P.S. I heard an announcement at Kings Cross earlier "unattended bags will be destroyed or buried by transport services". 

Are they dogs??

P.P.S. I know I haven't used any images so here's a photo of my headphone, which got stuck in my hair yesterday. 

Rule No.53: Don't take photos after drinking a bottle of wine

First of all, why was this one of the main stories on the Metro website on Thursday?

I had the same thing happen to me when I was eight and I didn't even make it into the dentist magazine...

I was actually supposed to be in the magazine, but my mum didn't realise I couldn't eat on the day of my operation so it had to be rescheduled, and someone else was featured instead. It was a very disappointing day for my family. I'm pretty sure the article would have been framed on the wall of my parents dining room.

One of the main highlights this week has been going for lunch at Sushi Samba. I went on Friday with a client, which was absolutely incredible. This is despite the fact my client tried to set me up with the French waiter - so embarrassing. She told him that I'd show him round London as he had only recently moved from France... he just smiled sweetly and nodded. He definitely wasn't tempted to accept the offer. Not that I blame him, we were all so drunk he probably thought I was Vicky Pollard.

This however, was the incredible view from the restaurant:

I then went to see London Grammar in Brixton. OMFG they were amazing, Hannah's voice is incredible live. I WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN ALREADY.

I know this photo is terrible, it's hard to take a good snap after drinking three cocktails and a bottle of wine.

The rest of the weekend consisted of watching Gogglebox, X Factor, Educating Yorkshire, Surprise Surprise, Downtown Abbey, Strictly Come Dancing, Wonders of the Solar System and Come Dine With Me. I only cried whilst watching Surprise Surprise and Downtown Abbey so I thought I did quite well. I feel like the older I get the more I cry when watching TV. The all time low was when I cried watching Trinny and Susannah. 

I was going to attempt to leave the house today and venture to the Natural History Museum. They have a new wildlife photography exhibition on at the moment (I know, I surprisingly sound quite cultured), but it then started raining rather heavily so I took it as a sign that I should just stay inside, and carry on drinking tea and eating Maryland Cookies. So I did, and I enjoyed myself.

Tomorrow evening I'm starting my new Fire Poi choreography course. I'll be honest, it is slightly concerning me as my singed hair has only just started growing back from last time...it won't be long until I'll be wearing a wig. 

I'm prepared to take the risk. 

Good night x

P.S. I found out who Max was ('Rule No.51'). He randomly called me last night and he actually sounded like a nice chap until he told me he was 21. Damn it. No thanks Max...

Rule No.52: You are not Nigella Lawson so don't film yourself cooking

Bloody Nora I am so TIRED! The combination of too much alcohol, too much fun and too much work this week has left me with zero energy. That, and I refuse to go to bed early because I apparently think I'm a vampire (apart from the drinking blood bit).

Surprisingly, my tiredness has not resulted in unhealthy eating. In fact, I've been very good! I even decided to make a special video for you. I could be the next Nigella. Check out the pics and video below...

The start of my omelette: 

The tutorial:

I forgot to include the cooked bacon when I was filming so I sprinkled it on top. 

This is the final masterpiece (I know it doesn't look great):

I then rewarded myself with a bath, whilst listening to London Grammar.  

I feel so chilled now, I should do this more often.

Other highlights this week have been stroking a dog, eating Domino's pizza, having my mum stay over and of course, the first ever Cosmopolitan Lingerie Show, which was held at One Marylebone on Monday night. The tickets sold out weeks ago and the night went so incredibly well! I can't wait to help organise next year's show now, it's going to be even bigger and better!

Boy news - they are still being dinosaurs (non existent/dead) and sloths (weird). I'm now considering marrying a woman.

Other news - I have discovered today that wearing a tight skirt and uncomfortable shoes results in you walking like you're drunk.

Good night from me and my elephant. x

P.s. remember to follow me on Twitter  

Rule No.51: Always blame alcohol. It's not your fault.

Surprise Surprise, I drank too much last night.

Therefore, today has consisted of chicken nuggets, a bacon sandwich, lots of TV watching and my onesie.

Yes, I know I look like a man.

Last night was brilliant though. I have amazing friends, the Market House in Brixton was really cool and the whole night was just so much fun. Well, what I can remember of it anyway...I blame gin.

Unfortunately the gin has also made me forget that I gave my number to a guy and, I can't for the life of me remember him.

He could have been really HOT!!!!

DAMN IT.

He hasn't sent me a picture of himself (I know this is not a shock) so he might have to stay a mystery. I'm an idiot.

On the plus side, I've been chatting to a hot french guy on Tinder today and we're going to meet up next week. I'm excited for the french accent. Oui oui.

Right I'm off to bed in hope that I wake up feeling relatively normal tomorrow.

Night x

Rule No.50: Always tell people it's your birthday, you get free things

This is my current situation.

The past four nights in a row I haven't got home before midnight. Therefore, today is a onesie day. I am also demanding that my friend Suze brings me a constant supply of coffee. Poor thing, she's come to stay for the weekend and I have so far just used her for her coffee-making skills. 

I did make her a bacon sandwich this morning though so I think I'm forgiven. 

Until I make her rub my feet.

This week has been my birthday week and I predict next week will also be my birthday week. You have to milk these things.

It's been a great celebration so far. I came into work on Thursday to find these on my desk...

A vanilla latte, muffin and Doritos. Incredible.

Jojo then brought this bad boy out...

I basically consumed the whole thing.

Me and a few of the girls then went out and drank lots of wine and prosecco. Two random guys also bought me a glass of wine each. I am such a PIMP.

No numbers though. Fail.

Yesterday I went to Sketch for afternoon tea with a client.

Basically my life has consisted of eating food and it has been ace.

To make it even better when I was walking along the tube platform yesterday it was really windy and I felt great. I felt like Beyonce as my hair blew in the wind and I glided along feeling bootilicious. Although, I didn't actually look like Beyonce, I was more of a Susan Boyle trying to be Beyonce.

I'm going to dedicate the next section to men. Here we go:

1) When talking about guys the other day, me and a few of the singletons decided that not only are boys dinosaurs, but they're also sloths.

They're weird. This is when Lucy exclaimed 'the only great relationship I have is with the fridge. I spend a lot of time with it'.

A fridge is the best kind of relationship if you ask me.

2) I'm chatting to a guy on Tinder at the moment and he's got great banter. He has to be a winner when the first thing I messaged him saying was 'moustache' (he has a moustache), and he replied saying 'jacket' (I'm wearing a jacket in my profile pic). Most people would just think I'm a weirdo, but he seemed to find me funny.

I understand I should probably change my tactics.

3) I witnessed a girl make her boyfriend stand in front of her on the escalator yesterday so he could block her from the wind (it was like a tornado). I've decided I would like my own personal wind shield. 

I'm out in Brixton with the girls tonight for my birthday and we're all hoping to get a snog. I will write a mini blog update tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

x

P.S. My friend Jo has bought me this. Best birthday present EVER. Maybe I should wear it tonight?

Rule No.49: When things go wrong it's not bad luck, it's usually because you're an idiot

Where do I begin?

The past few days have been pretty eventful and annoyingly the events have mostly been unfortunate. 

I'll let you judge for yourself...

Wednesday - After making the effort to get up early and make myself look nice for the Zest Beauty Awards, I somehow fell down the stairs of my flat on my way out of the front door. I fell all the way down, grazed my knees and elbows, and have spent the past few days walking with a limp. I even considered crutches at one point. Consequently, sitting down has been difficult, I've had to hold onto things to help myself down because my legs hurt so much. I usually love sitting down. It has however made my excuse for not going to the gym a little more valid.

Here's my knee:

OK fine, there's no blood or stitches, but it HURT.

Thursday - I decided to get the train home from work instead of the tube. As I got to Balham I didn't realise the train doors were closing as I was too busy searching for my Oyster card. The doors closed and the train was about to head towards Croyden until two amazing guys came to my rescue. They pressed the 'open' button about 1,000 times so the doors would open again.

OK fine, that was just me being stupid and actually the situation was resolved.

Before you ask, no the guys were not hot.

Friday - I had a Vauxhall ADAM for the weekend and on my way home from work I stupidly ran out of petrol despite all of the warning signs. I had to walk to the nearest petrol station.

OK fine, that wasn't bad luck, it was just me being idiotic.

Saturday - A lorry drove on the pavement to overtake a car and nearly knocked me down like a domino. My friends had to pull me out of the way so I didn't get hit - very scary.

OK fine, I didn't ACTUALLY get hit.

Sunday - Despite getting up at 8.30am on a SUNDAY and spending two hours refreshing the website, I DIDN'T get a Glastonbury ticket. I nearly cried.

Overall, I hope you understand why I'm currently lying on my bed listening to Ronan Keating - When You Say Nothing At All, and hugging my elephant. I really thought this year would be my Glasto ticket year.

There have been some positives this week though, let's not always look on the dark and miserable 'I want to punch everyone around me' side. 

Vauxhall are sponsoring the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year Awards this year and they've lent us a Vauxhall ADAM. Therefore, I borrowed it for the weekend and drove to Brighton yesterday... 

a) I've never been to Brighton before and I LOVE IT 

b) I drove for the first time in three years and I really enjoyed it

c) I got to sing my heart out and listen to Heart.FM really loud

d) I could wave at fit guys and drive off (then get stuck at the traffic lights)

e) The Brighton Wheel kindly gave us free tickets and it was incredible 

f) I had the best fish and chips on the beach

g) I got to go through the McDonalds drive thru and eat burgers in the carpark

Here's a photo summary of my happier times.

 Yes, I know two out of three photos involve food...

Right, I'm off to make a cup of tea and sit in a dark room. Have a lovely Sunday. x

P.S. It's my birthday on Thursday so I would start thinking about my birthday present now.

P.P.S. FOLLOW MY NEW TWITTER PAGE

Rule No.48: You don't want to be Einstein

I am actually dieting.

Look!

Mushroom soup with chicken... Despite the grey colour, it was actually pretty nice.

You'll be even more proud of me, there were some coconut macaroons in my office and I made myself eat dried apricots instead.

I have also planned to stop spending so much money on food and alcohol, and to actually start saving for a house like a grown up. I think I'm becoming mature.

Round of applause please.
 

In other news, I got chatted up by a guy in M&S yesterday, he said he liked my tshirt. It had a big dinosaur on it, which is not so grown up I know. 

He was actually pretty fit and was Spanish looking, which I like. Nothing happened though obviously, I just said thank you and walked away like an idiot.

I realised today that I let good looking guys get away with more. A rather handsome chap was on the tube this morning and he had his newspaper in my face. He was also leaning on me, which was uncomfortable and every time he turned the page of his newspaper it brushed my nose. I didn't get annoyed though because I fancied him. Therefore, good looking men get away with more. That's my theory anyway, not that I'm Einstein. If I was Einstein I'd be getting a helicopter to work. Actually, I wouldn't be going to work I'd be at home bathing in my very large heated swimming pool with half naked butlers serving me piña coladas.

Actually, if I was being realistic, I would be dead. 

On the topic of good looking men (not including Einstein), I had to rearrange the folders on my desktop today so I could see Joseph Gordon-Levitt's face. 

I think I love him.

I'm going to leave you with some exciting news. I am an AUNTY! (again). My niece was born on the 1st of October. Unfortunately, I'll have to wait 6 weeks until I get to see her because my brother lives in North Carolina, but I'm so excited!

Eek.

Have a lovely Wednesday x