Rule No.95: Mutually Beneficial Presents Are The Best Ones To Buy

Warning, this post is not ladylike.

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

It's not long until Christmas, which is great because now my ever increasing belly (caused by high alcohol and food consumption) looks 'festive' - well, I look like Father Christmas.

It's alright though, you get away with wearing big jumpers in winter so after Christmas I can just layer up as much as possible.

I presume I'm not on my own here?

 

People will just think we're wearing lots of layers...with fat underneath.

Anyway, I've just come back from a weekend away with Archie (my luckyish bf) to Bath, where I had arranged a spa weekend for his birthday. The perfect present, because a) he once mentioned it would be nice to go to a spa and I remembered b) I got to enjoy the present too. This is the best type of present buying, mutual beneficial ones. I recommend it.

During the weekend we ate a lot, and when I say a lot I mean LOADS. However, we thought it was necessary after we swam four slow lengths in the pool at the spa. It's surprising what swimming can do to you, even granny swimming. WE WERE STARVING. The problem was though, we ate so much at dinner that we became ridiculously full. Then when we got back to the hotel room we just had to lie on the bed with our bellies sticking out, watching TV.

Uncomfortable fullness to the extreme.
 

(This is where it becomes unladylike)

We both decided that maybe we should go to the toilet (the toilet, toilet) because we felt THAT full and uncomfortable. However, after I asked Archie if he could leave the hotel room for a while and he declined, I made him listen to loud music with headphones in and wear my hat to reduce any possible way his ears could hear anything from the bathroom.

He did...

Romance at its best.

If it improves the situation, I did fall asleep with my head on his chest and my arm wrapped round him. But, he did tell me in the morning that I snored all night... Romance points are still 0 from me.

Actually wait, we held hands on the pool sun loungers. Two points.

And the weekend was ace. Bath gets 10/10.

To change the subject and to quickly finish as I need run for my train... a message to all of you sods at home with your family already, I hope you're bored. I'm just leaving work and about to get my the train to COV, which does mean I'll be listening to Bublé on repeat all of the way. I can't wait.

And of course me and my parents are going for a curry as soon as I arrive. SCORE.

Have a merry Christmas, and remember, MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL PRESENTS. x
 

  

Rule No.94: Dating A Younger Guy Has Consequences

So I've decided that Americans think I'm old.

Mainly because I didn't get asked for ID once whilst in New York. NOT ONCE (this might not sound like a big thing for someone who is actually 26, but in America, particularly New York, they ID everyone. EVERYONE - but me).

To add to this, whenever we ordered a beer and a lemonade (beer for Archie, lemonade for me...I had a cold at the beginning of the holiday) they would give me the beer. EVERY TIME. 

I've also decided that they think Archie is a child, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth. Not only was I never ID'd, but Archie was even asked if he wanted a childs menu (slightly awkward).

Therefore, do they think I'M HIS PARENT?!? 

My usual bad luck continued in New York. Not that we let it bother us...you know the usual...get tickets for the top of the Rock and there wass 0% visibility, go to the New York library and the main room is closed, go to MOMA and the main exhibition is not on, go to Shake Shack and it's closed for five months... But, it's ok, I bought a Michael Kors coat and was given SEVENTY percent off by a confused shop assistant. Swings and roundabouts.

Anyway, I love 'real' New Yorkers, I'm not talking about the types that work on Wall Street, I'm talking about the REAL New Yorkers. The types that shout "you smell guuuud miss lady" as I walk past. The type that shout "DID YOU SEE THAAAT? I SEE THAAAT!" When a rat ran across the street. 

I also love chicken and waffles with maple syrup. And pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. And tacos with shrimp. And big hotdogs. And just all tacos.

Talking about tacos, I also had quite a few people think I'm South American...people greeted me in shops with "ola" and when I responded "hello" in a British accent they looked like I'd just revealed I was from out of space.

A South American woman even picked me out on the subway to ask for directions in Spanish, I replied "sorry, I'm English" and she looked baffled - like I was actually a dinosaur, or something.

I felt disappointed that I wasn't living up to my looks. 

Since being back I've actually been quite chirpy. It definitely helped that I only had to work two days before it was the weekend and boy did I take advantage of the weekend. I woke up at 1.30pm and then left the flat without makeup and no bra to go to Sainsbury's...don't worry the braless boobs were hidden with a coat. 

I must say...not wearing a bra is only good when you're chilling on the sofa or in bed thouh. When you're walking it is NOT GOOD. I felt like I was being punched in the chest everytime I made a step. Never again.
 

Rule No.93: Don't Let Men Order Things Unless You Also Want To Turn Into A Man

So...having a boyfriend for over nine months has resulted in me walking around with my trousers unbuttoned without shame. Not in a pervy way. In an 'I've eaten a burger and chips and my belly is too full, I need to breath and I don't care if people think I'm weird' kind of way. 

I don't think I've actually put on weight, but I would be lying if I thought a salad diet wouldn't be a good idea. I have been walking through Covent Garden with my trousers undone after all...

Now I didn't want to begin my blog with an apology, so I haven't, but now I'm ready... I am sorry for the lack of blogging. 

As I'm sure you can sympathise, it's hard to find the time and the energy. And in the past few months I've had a lot going on. One thing particularly that has been taking up my time is Breaking Bad and if you have already watched Breaking Bad then you'll understand.

Joking aside, any spare time I've had I have wanted to lie down and play sleeping lions. I've been tired.

But now I'm back.

If you're not friends with me on Facebook then I need to fill you in. My boyfriend (still feels weird that I actually have one. A nice one. Miracle.) took me to Barcelona for my birthday! I mean seriously, this guy is good. 

I've never really been to Spain before though, unless you count Magaluf. Therefore, my Spanish is lacking. Seriously lacking. For example, on the first night in Barcelona in a busy 'hip' bar I accidentally used the men's toilets because I presumed 'H' stood for women and 'M' for men.

I had a suspicion that I had made the wrong choice when I got into the cubicle and saw the toilet seat up and wee splashed everywhere (I still went to the toilet - I hovered). Then when I went to wash my hands a gentleman came and stood next to me. It was there that it was 100% confirmed I was currently standing in the men's bathroom.

Despite this, my trip to Barcelona was bloody amazing. My boyfriend isn't perfect though...tonight I came home to my new (and last because I'm now too old) 17-25 young persons railcard. When ordering it Archie had offered to fill in the online form for me whilst I was in the shower. A lovely gesture, but I now regret taking up this offer.

I am now a man.

It reminded me of the time my dad thought 'name on card' meant 'name of card' when booking a hotel room. We therefore had to check in at the hotel as the 'Goldfish' family. I was about 12 at the time and had a wannabe 'street cred' to maintain so this was deeply upsetting.

The moral of the story? Don't let men book or order things unless you want to be turned into a man. Or a goldfish. 

Bye x

Rule No.92: Don't video yourself jumping off a cliff. Your boobs willbe on camera.

I'm back from my family holiday in Greece. I have mixed emotions. I'm sad as I've left the beautiful weather, beaches, pool and my American family. Yet, I'm excited as I am now reunited with Archie...two weeks without seeing him was as hard as I expected. I don't understand what's happened to me. I only used to miss cadburys chocolate when abroad. 

A lot of things happened in the two weeks...my two year old nephew Luke has now learnt to say 'Gina' so I'm no longer 'nana'. This really excites me, and I even loved it when he woke me up at 8am and shouted 'wake up Gina' in his really excited, giggly voice. I wish I had that kind of alarm clock in the morning before I go to work. I don't think I'd grunt and have the 'I hate life' look on my face, well not as much anyway, 

The holiday has also taught me not to drink too much, but this lesson will soon be forgotten and I'll be once again slurring my words in front of my family and shouting 'woooo' across a posh restaurant, whilst taking huge gulps of my drink like it was necessary to keep me alive. 

I have also learnt not to video myself with a waterproof camera when jumping off cliffs into the sea. My bikini never stays on and no one wants that on video. Especially my brother whose camera it was.

Massively awkward. 

This is also a delightful picture I took using the camera. 

I look like my face has been stung by one  thousand bees. 

I didn't just eat Greek salads everyday like I stupidly thought I would either. In fact I think I only ordered one about three times. Instead I've tried all of the different Greek cuisines, such as ribs, a club sandwich, chips, prawn cocktail crisps and pizza. 

The plane journey back wasn't too bad, although it took so long to land and get our suitcases the taxi I had preordered had left, which meant I had to wait an hour for another taxi and didn't get home until 5am. I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around at that moment. 

The main annoying thing about the flight however was two 'know it all' 20 something's that were talking so loudly and wanting everyone to hear their conversation... You know when people want you to hear their conversation when they say things like 'yea one of my boyfriends' and her friend replied with her story 'yea one of my boyfriends' ITS NOT A BOYFRIEND CONTEST!  And you obviously don't have that many as you're irritating. Then they'd say things like "have you watched that film, bla bla bla, the one directed by bla bla bla, yea I met that actor and saw it being filmed, bla bla bla". WE DON'T CARE AND STOP SHOWING OFF. Idiot. 

Anyway. 

Tomorrow I'm going back to work. I knew I had made the right decision to take Monday off to go to Thorpe Park. Sometimes I surprise myself with how smart I am. 

Here's my Thorpe Park face. 

I understand why people think I look like David Mitchell now. 

A tanned, female version. 

Bye x 

Rule No.91: Always check what you've packed

I'm in Greece for two weeks and it's bliss. 

It's 1pm and I've already had a strawberry daiquiri and a rum and pineapple (triple measures)... I am helping to look after five children though so alcohol helps. 

It's my brothers wedding on the 6th June so the family have all come out together for an amazing two weeks in the sun. It's bloody brilliant already and it's only my first day. 

There are a few problems though...I packed my suitcase one night after work and didn't get chance to check it again before flying out. I therefore have a small tube of toothpaste that will probably last a couple of days, no shower gel and two flip flops for your left feet. I think I've remembered everything else though, and I even accidentally packed a big book on New York. I don't know how it got into my suitcase, but no wonder I was 4kg over on my weight allowance...however, I got away with it because I am a legend.

Another slight problem is that my two year old nephew, Luke, seems to think my name is Nana. I think this confused a lot of people on the plane. I have tried to explain to him that my name is GINA, but I've given up already. I'm just going to be Nana for a while. He seems to get excited when he sees me though so that's all that matters. 

I'm hoping to actually look Mexican by the time I leave Greece. Or Greek, which would probably make more sense as I would have been here two weeks and I do love feta cheese and tzatziki. Mexican food I like too, but only the non spicy version, so basically nachos and guacamole. Realistically, I wouldn't make a very good Mexican, I'm not really a fan of tequila either. Although I do drink it when I'm drunk as everything seems great then. 

Over the next two weeks you'll be glad to know I'll be blogging. I'm back. And you can't get rid of me now. 

Muhahaha. 

Bye x 

Rule No.90: Willy headbands will never be an appropriate fashionaccessory

I don't like cats, but I like this one... 

Not many cats are clever enough (I don't think?) to use their paw to try and pull a door open. I applaud this cat. Although, it was so clever it actually freaked me out a little bit. Like the cats with thumbs advert.

On to another animal topic...I got the Dream Boys into the office last week to perform for one of my colleagues, my manager and my group director. It was their work hen do and I felt it appropriate. Despite the slight risk of being sacked, it went down very well.

We then drank ridiculous amounts of Prosecco, and after leaving a gay bar in Soho all I remember was sitting in a Chinese restaurant ordering BBQ pork and rice. I ordered it in Chinese and the waiter understood me too. I'm practically fluent now. Well, basically my colleague Jojo told me what to say and I drunkenly copied it.

My boyfriend then got a taxi to Soho to come and meet me as he'd been out too. According to him (not sure how much I should believe) he'd been telling the taxi driver on the way to meet me how much he loves me. When the taxi pulled up to Wardour Street the driver said, "Is that your girlfriend?" and pointed to me standing in a doorway wearing a willy headband and leaning on the wall half asleep. Archie replied, "Yep, that's the one!" to which to the taxi driver probably felt a bit confused to why Archie loved me so much and said... "good luck with that one mate".

Charming.

I also took these photos of myself that night as I obviously thought I looked really fit.

Yes, that's right. I was wearing a red wig.

I'm sure I don't have to explain why I spent the journey to work the next day listening to Eva Cassidy and drinking ginger beer. However, I did notice an advertisement for a thrilling exhibition.

I can't wait to go and see this pile of wood. 

Art confuses me sometimes.

Another thing that today confused me is why Posh and Becks hold hands like children.

This makes me wonder how 'real' their relationship actually is.

x

Rule No.89: Don't tell a girl that she has a big bum. Especially in public.

I'm going to Scotland tonight with my boyfriend. Eek.

Five nights together is quite a lot (isn't it?), but for once in my life I'm not thinking "oh god, we're bound to fall out", or "what if we get bored or fed up of each other?" I genuinely cannot wait to spend five days with him, and with no work, etc.

Oh god, I'm getting all loved up and pathetic.

SLAP ME.

Let's change the subject...

Yesterday I got given two creme eggs at work. Every year a guy comes round the office to give us one creme egg each. And this year he accidentally walked past me without giving me one, so me being 'miss big mouth' shouted, "EASTER BUNNY YOU FORGOT ME!!"

"Sorry love, you can take two" 

That's right, I GOT TWO EGGS! I therefore changed my Facebook status to the following, as I did feel there was a little bit of harmless flirting involved... 

It's funny how such a simple thing can get so many likes...I think it's because people can relate to it. Everyone likes the surprise of getting something extra, or winning something. I still think I'll win the lottery every time I buy a lucky dip.

I think we need to realise that we're all very much alike a little more often. Just like when people say "I'm not very good at doing that..." Well, you're not the only one that's not very good at doing that, there will be lots of people exactly the same as you. Even if you do think you're the only one. For example, how many people knew you could do all of these things with your iPhone? I bet very few.  

I've come to conclusion now that I am not musical. I can't even play the triangle (do you even 'play' triangles?). I'm just not that way inclined, but then there's things I can do that people who play in an orchestra can't. I don't know what, but I'm sure there are things...

Anyway, I hope you have an amazing Easter. Think of me eating haggis and drinking whiskey. 

Oh and by the way, I'm guessing when a removals guy shouts "baby got back", it isn't a good thing? Then again, I suppose the song does go "I like big butts..." so maybe he liked my bum?!? Nevertheless, it wasn't the greatest compliment. And the worst thing about this is, my boyfriend turned up to my house half an hour later and said "I just saw a guy I used to play football with. He was moving in some furniture for the house next door" That's right, it was the same guy. Typical.

I am actually going to leave you this time. And I'll leave you with a picture of the dog I am currently obsessed with. A Chow Chow.

It's SO CUTE. You can also dye the hair so it looks like a panda.

It probably is a bit cruel...let's be honest...

x

Rule No.88: Don't serenade someone when you sound like a tone deaf baboon

Today I attempted to make my own juice for breakfast. This resulted in me sitting at my desk forcing bright green lumpy slush down my throat, whilst trying not to choke on small chunks of celery. 

What I have mainly learnt from this is that you need to make sure you've blended the juice enough before drinking it. Secondly, there's a reason people use a juicer and not a blender to make juice (the hint is in the name). However, I'm not going to give up as I have a fridge full of vegetables so I'm going to have the joyful task of sieving it tomorrow morning...

I must say the cucumber, celery, kale and apple concoction wasn't too bad. Even if the reactions from my colleagues when they saw it were "ergh, what is that green slime?","are you actually drinking that?", and my favourite, "it looks like liquidised bogeys". 

You wait, tomorrow they'll be jealous of my new sieved creation. 

Anyway, I have news from this weekend... after drinking a pint of bitter, two white wines and three cocktails at my friend, Suze's, birthday drinks on Saturday, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I loved him (we had previously gone as far as 'I really like you'). It was far from romantic. We were stood outside Londis on Clapham High Street and I was talking about the fact he gets on so well with my friends, and I blurted out, "see that's why I love you". I then realised what I had said and went on to say, "Oh wait, I just said that I loved you... I do though'. 

Luckily, after a pause that felt like the most embarrassing eternity, he said it back. And then he said it again on Sunday morning. And then he said it again today. Therefore, I don't think I need to feel embarrassed anymore. Except for the fact I sang the Moulin Rouge version of 'Your Song' to him last night. This time I wasn't drunk. I think I mainly did it because I wanted to make up for the unromantic Londis situation. I think it worked, although he did screw up his face when I attempted to sing the higher notes.

I got a sympathetic round of applause though.

In other news, I have found the best website for anyone that loves dogs but hasn't got a dog of their own. Of course I have a profile.Well actually that's a lie, my housemate has a profile. That way she has the responsibility of looking after the dog and I can just stroke it. Perfect.

Www.borrowmydoggy.com

Bye x

Rule No.87: Don't laugh at random people's children when you're not supposed to

Yesterday I got told I looked tired and pale. Obviously this filled me with joy as these are two words every woman wants to hear before they leave the office to meet a friend for drinks. Yet, my colleague was right. Therefore, it was a good excuse to drink two glasses of red wine to bring the colour back to my cheeks. And because I like wine. A lot.

I enjoyed myself.

The wine didn't exactly help with the tiredness though, and as soon as I got home I passed out on the sofa, which let's be honest is never the most ideal place to sleep.

This is why I've still been rubbish at blog posting, despite getting my new laptop. Work is just so busy at the moment, which is actually a great thing, but it just means I don't have much spare time or energy to write. I promise I'm not ignoring you, and it's nothing to do with the fact I have a boyfriend. Although, I must admit it's weird not writing stories about weirdo guys, dates, Tinder, etc.

Although, there are still a lot of strange people about...

For example, this rather possessed-like two year old girl kept screaming horrificly loud on the tube yesterday. Then she would look ridiculously innocent each time she stopped as if she hadn't done anything wrong. She repeatedly did this for a good five minutes, 'scream, innocent face, scream, innocent face' (it felt like eternity). Her scream was horrendous as well, it was as if someone had just told her there were monsters under her bed and they were going to eat her. And her teddy bear.

I couldn't help myself, after trying to do the typical London commuter thing and ignore it or tut, I just looked at her and burst out laughing. She then stopped screaming and looked at me like I was an alien. An odd looking alien, not a scary one. Luckily her mum was oblivious to everything and so I didn't get told off for laughing at her daughter. It's probably not the best thing to do when someones child is screaming. But at least I inadvertently stopped her from screaming and I'm pretty sure the commuters appreciated it. Although, obviously no one talked because that would just be 'weird'... No one talks on the tube, it's against the tube rules. 

A couple of hours after this I was walking through Clapham Junction station after meeting my friend Vicki for food, when a man walked past us and rather loudly burped right by our faces. He didn't have a single ounce of emotion on his face after he did this. It was as if he'd just yawned and I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk either. Obviously, Vicki and I burst out laughing because even though it was pretty disgusting it was bloody funny.

Then, on the tube home I witnessed a girl on crutches, and her leg was in a strappy cast type thing. She was standing up whilst her friend with normal working legs sat down. This confused me. Why does her friend deserve a seat when her legs are working and her friend is there trying to balance on her crutches in a moving tube carriage? The only thing I could think of was that her friend was a bitch. I think I was right.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a video with you as it is pretty cool. I went to a Robinson's Squash'd press event last week, and the maker of Gravity was there as he has designed a short film for Robinson's. It was shot in a Zero G plane that goes so high and drops so fast there is no gravity for 20 seconds. They only had 12 attempts to shoot the video and they managed to capture it on their last take...
Watch it here

Oh, and this is me on the cool cow sofas in the cinema after a couple of red wines...

I thought I looked like this at the time:

Bye x

Rule No.86: Don't ever announce that your fingers smell like fish on a busy train

It's been a while. I'm sorry. However, you'll be glad to know I have just ordered myself a new laptop so I'll be back to my usual blogging self soon. And it only cost me £1,288...vom.

The past eight days have been rather busy. Starting with a weekend in Liverpool, three days on a shoot in Marbella and then a trip back to Coventry to see my friends and family this weekend. I feel like I don't know what my London flat looks like anymore. However, that will soon change when I get home tonight, I won't be going anywhere for at least a month. Unless you count going to work and Waitrose.

Liverpool was bloody hilarious. When five girls similar to 'The Inbetweeners' characters come together for one weekend it results in a lot of laughter. One of the most awkward moments for me particularly was when I decided to buy prawn crackers for the train journey, which not only made the whole carriage stink of fish, but made the girls heave slightly. I then announced "ergh my fingers stink of fish". The men behind me on the train looked horrified and so did my friends. No matter how many times I tried to explain it was because of the prawn crackers they wouldn't let it go. I'm now called fishy fingers. 

Whilst on the train we also decided what type of facial hair we'd have if we were men. These were the results:

Obviously we weren't implying Emma was actually like Hitler. And I am definitely not as smooth as Craig David, but I think they so suit us well. 

When in Liverpool we found this 'quality' student accommodation by Liverpool Lime Street Station.

I think the advertiser should learn what the word 'quality' means. He also deserves to be kicked in the shins for his false advertising. I feel sorry for any student that ends up here. RIP.

We also found these flowers, because obviously on St Patrick's day everyone wants to receive green flowers.

Supermarkets will try to sell anything these days. Next they'll be promoting parsley as 'perfect for St Patricks day' just because it happens to be green. Some daft folk will buy it though. This is, after all, the nation that causes a cardigan to sell out in 24 hours because Mary Berry wore it on The British Bake Off.   

On the way back to London we read this wonderful story: 

There's many words to describe this man, but 'SEXC' does not come to mind. I think I've been put off chicken for life and I never thought that would happen. Well actually it hasn't because I had chicken earlier, but you get my point. 

On a much less disgusting note, Marbella was brilliant and the shoot for Red looks incredible. Here's a behind the scenes pic: 

Anyway, it's back to normal work life tomorrow. Hope you all had fantastic weekends. 

X 

Rule No.85: A 'man ban' does quite the opposite

I'm going to begin with showing you something we all need to start doing more often. 

Telling people you love them and brightening up their day is a WONDERFUL thing to do. I'll be honest though, I'm terrible at it. You can see from my last message to Fern how horrendous I am at texting... "Lol xx" doesn't even count as a text message, surely? I'm surprised people still hang out with me. 

The last thing I want to do after work is communicate with people though, I just become a socially awkward potato. I like to lie on my bed and listen to Lion King and occasionally stumble to the kitchen to get food. And don't even get me started on mornings, I look like a cave woman, sound like a man with a cold and I act like a teenager that has just been grounded for the first time. However, making the effort to write a message to someone and spread the love is a great thing to do, so maybe we should start doing it?! We could call it the 'Learn from Fern' campaign.

Anyway, it's now time for an announcement. 

The zoo guy...you know...the guy who I called a chav when I first bumped into him in a bar, then he took me on a date to London Zoo? Well he is now officially my boyfriend. 

I have a boyfriend. 

That's right...

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 

This is proof that there's hope for us all. This is also proof that when you're not looking you're more likely to find someone. I was on a serious man ban when I met him. Therefore, it's a good job I don't stick to most of my bans. Hence why I didn't give anything up for lent.

I will also announce that I am going to Marbella on Monday. Although, it's only for two nights so it's not a massively long holiday. In fact, it's not a holiday at all as I will be on a shoot for Red magazine so I'll be working. Therefore, I'm basically not sure why I'm announcing this. 

Obviously I'm not sticking to the no carbs before marbs rule either. Especially as I had frankfurter potato salad for lunch yesterday #germanheaven and tofu Chow Mein for dinner last night. And I would say the no carbs before marbs started today, but I had left over Chow Mein for lunch and I'm about to go out for sushi with Aimee. 

I'm going to stop my weirdo rambling now and I think you've probably had enough announcements for one day. Although, unfortunately we'll also have to mourn the death of my MacBook. After eight loyal years it has passed away. This is a very sad and frustrating situation. Yet, it means I can get a new one without feeling guilty. 

OK that's the end of my announcements. 

Well actually I have one more. 

Sorry I lied, I don't. And I couldn't think of anything that was remotely 'announcement like' except for the fact my plant died, but I didn't think this would interest you.

Bye.

x

Rule No.84: Don't just nod and smile if you can't understand someone (unless that's your only option)

It's funny how clever our bodies can be, isn't it?

I set my alarm for an hour earlier than usual on Tuesday as I had lots to do that day. However, I turned it off in my sleep (not so clever) and woke up naturally at my normal time (clever). I was quite proud of myself for waking up and not being late for work, but annoyed at the same time that I wasn't going to be early. 

How did I turn my phone off in my sleep though? Obviously it was likely that I was awake, but just too tired whilst doing it to remember doing it. The point is, how did my body know to wake up an hour later at exactly the same time that I usually get up? 

It baffles me. 

Just like every morning when I get to my desk and type in my password to log in to my computer. I do it without even thinking. Yet, if someone asked me what my password was, I wouldn't know. I'd just get confused with all of my other millions of passwords, and I'd have to spend a good half an hour trying to work it out. However, my fingers seem to know what it is every single morning.

 

You know exactly what I'm going on about don't you!?

In other news, I went to the hairdressers yesterday after work so I am now free of split ends. I was really looking forward to sitting and relaxing with a coffee and a biscuit whilst getting my haircut. However, two things were wrong with this, 1) I didn't get given any sugar with my cappuccino 2) I didn't get a biscuit.

Now, I know I work in Soho, where most people live on smoothies and curly kale. And I know I shouldn't really have sugar in my coffee, never mind a biscuit on the side - especially as I'd already consumed four custard creams throughout the day. But, my ideal haircut experience was shattered. 

To make the haircut experience slightly more irritable, my hairdresser who was a very cute Italian guy would not stop talking. I don't think he stopped for breath for at least an hour. To make matters worse, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. At one point I wondered if he thought I was Italian and was actually speaking to me in Italian.

I nodded a lot, laughed a lot and pulled a shocked face in the places I thought were appropriate (I basically just copied his expressions). Yet, this wasn't 100% successful as I had a couple of awkward moments. For example, when I realised he had asked me a question as he paused for a while and stared at me for an answer. I don't think my answer was correct or even slightly related, but I'm pretty sure I managed to blag it. Either that or he was just being polite. 

Another horrific moment occurred when he pushed my head forward slightly so he could cut the back of my hair. I looked down and noticed my knees in the mirror... It was a very long mirror that went down to my ankles so the 'mirror ledge' was really low down, which meant I had to reach rather far for my sugarless cappuccino (I could probably have done with the extra stretch anyway - that counts as exercise, right?). Back to my knees. I couldn't help but realise they looked like raw sausages in tights. I have therefore discovered that I don't have any knees, they're just raw sausages that bend. 

I've now Googled exercises to get skinny knees. Apparently leg extensions, squats, lunges and step-ups are the best way to get them. I will therefore walk up the escalator in tube stations more often and I'm going to lunge when I walk around the office.

I may also sit like this at my desk:

 

Not sure how I would type though.

I'm going to leave you with tonight's tube experience... As I was writing the hairdresser scenario out on my phone I didn't realise but I had gently placed my hand on top of a young gentleman's hand. There was about five hands holding on to the same germ infested pole and for some reason his hand felt rather 'pole like' for a few seconds. To make matters worse I didn't think to say sorry and instead I just looked at him and moved my hand away slowly. None of this was on purpose, but I ended up looking like I was flirting outrageously, where really I was just too busy typing to think what the hell I was doing. 

He then kept smiling at me in a creepy, I want to stroke your hair kind of way and I felt rather vulnerable. 

I have therefore come to the conclusion that hand stroking is a great pulling technique. Well I think it could be. Maybe I should test it on a guy that isn't ten years younger than me and doesn't look like he hasn't washed for over a week.

Oh and also, you'll be excited to hear I have been given the official 'desk move coordinator' role on Friday. If you hadn't of guessed we're all moving desks in the office on Friday afternoon and I am in charge of making sure we pack everything up and label it correctly. I therefore feel important.

 

Good bye x

Rule No.83: Don't be concerned, but you could be a Neanderthal (OK, that's not a rule)

Did you know that lions and rhinos used to walk (would you say they 'walk'?) around Trafalgar Square 125,000 years ago? That's what I learnt yesterday. Also, hippos used to roam around the River Thames. Weird to think really. 

What's even weirder is that Neanderthals and homo sapiens used to sleep with each other so some of us could be part Neanderthal. It would probably explain a few things. 

I learnt all of this when I went to the 'Britain: One Million Years of the Human Story' exhibition at the Natural History Museum yesterday.

I then had a quick look round the V&A after. I'm a wannabe cultured young lady at the moment (probably not so much the lady). 

Last night I made fajitas for Heather, which I always feel is a family tradition even though I'm not at all Mexican. It's funny, now I keep getting mistaken for Mexican I'm starting to feel like I am Mexican. Maybe I should tell people to pretend to mistake me for Kelly Brook, then I might start looking and feeling like her.

Anyway, the fajitas were extremely good, if I do say so myself. 

They were actually the best fajitas I've ever had.

OK, that might be an exaggeration. 

Today I had four tickets to a film preview in Leicester Square. The film isn't out until the end of March so I'm not allowed to talk about it. But, what I will say is I'm not too sure why four adults (me and my friends) were so excited to get up early on a Sunday morning to watch a kids film. However, I must say we all really enjoyed it. 

Afterwards I went to the British Museum. I've never been before and it was really good! Out of all of the museums in London it's definitely one of the most 'grown up' ones. I was therefore rather proud of myself. Plus, THREE museums in one weekend is pretty good going.

This blog basically confirms that I deserve a medal. Or a trophy. Even better, a statue in the British Museum. Not a naked one though. My brother would probably say something like "yea, a statue in the Natural History Museum next to the gorillas". I don't blame him, that's what brothers do, but I'd much rather be with the dinosaurs. People queue an hour to see these and I like feeling special.

I will leave you with my Starbucks cup. I told them my name was Gina and this is what I got...

Apparently Gina was too hard to write...to be honest, the smiley face gave me a smiley face so I liked it.

Good night and hope you have a lovely Monday.

x

Rule No.82: You actually do learn something new everyday

In the past week I have learnt a number of things. This is the great thing about life, it teaches you valuable lessons: 

1) Never go for a wax in a salon where men get their hair cut. Apparently giving your name to the receptionist isn't enough... "oh yes, for a Brazilian?" Thanks. Now the two guys standing next to me know about it you stupid woman.

To add to this, when I was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the salon, the beautician appeared and shouted "Gina? For a Brazilian?" Now a total of nine men knew about it. Plus one woman. Why the salon had so many men get their hair cut there, I do not know. I blame valentines day. 

2) Don't write this story whilst you're on the tube. 

The guy next to me now knows about the wax. He also knows I'm writing about him and I feel awkward. STOP LOOKING AT MY PHONE. 

3) Drinking soft drinks instead of alcohol can actually be a good idea. 

I went to see Foals on Friday night. Aimee and I high fived each other after we got through security because we managed to sneak in an orange juice and coconut water. 

It was the first time I had ever been to a gig and not had my usual cider or Red Stripe. However, I liked waking up the next day without a hangover. Plus, I liked laughing with Aimee on the way home about how granny like we have become. 

Who high fives for sneaking in coconut water? Me apparently.

Oh god, I am pathetic.

4) Think before you speak. And listen carefully (yes, that's two things).

On my fourth date (yes, that's right FOURTH) on Saturday night the guy said during our conversation on the type of people living in different areas of London (I agree it doesn't sound thrilling), "yea, they're the class above". In my slightly gin intoxicated state I thought he said "they're class bruv". I therefore replied rather loudly in a rude boi voice "YES BRUV". To which baffled, he said "did you just call me bruv?" 

That's right, I called him bruv. 

I do have a fifth date though.

5) Making Moroccan food is expensive. 

I spent £36 on ingredients to make dinner for my housemates on Sunday. Mainly because I didn't own tahini, harissa, cinnamon, cumin, fresh ginger... This kind of stuff is EXPENSIVE. However, it was worth it and I proved to myself and my housemates that I can actually cook. I also know what tahini and harissa is now...as if you thought I knew before!?!

6) My brother shouldn't trust me (and I shouldn't trust myself) to take my nephew to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. 

My nephew got himself a plateful of chips, battered chicken and a poppadom (strange Chinese buffet I know). I did try to get him to put some broccoli on his plate, but he knew that I'm too soft and he just helped himself to some more chips. 

He then had three helpings of ice cream.

At least he doesn't think I'm like Miss Trunchbull I suppose...

7) If you're going to wear a long coat then make sure your skirt is longer than it. You may otherwise look like you forgot to put a skirt on. 

Yes, that is a Vietnamese style hat. No, I do not know why I bought it.

8) Don't 'swear on your life' when you're actually lying. I'm now scared I'm going to die after a random guy stopped me and asked if I had any money to buy one of his reggae CDs.

To be fair I only had £1, which I don't think he would have appreciated anyway... (I still might die)

Good bye.

x

Rule No.81: Cool people don't celebrate Valentines Day

It's valentines day. The day most women in the office receive flowers, chocolates and balloons. And as I work for three women's magazines, this is a lot of women. For the past three valentines days that I have worked here I have so far received a packet of love hearts from my previous manager, who is gay. 

This year is no different. Yet I do have a fourth date tomorrow so I'm definitely in a more positive situation than last year. I would say last year was the worst valentines day yet. Splitting up with my boyfriend two weeks before then having another ex boyfriend (slightly psycho) call my work phone, ask if it's me then hang up, wasn't the most romantic gesture. In fact I was in so much rage I had to buy a chicken burrito to calm me down. 

Tonight I'm going to see Foals at Alexandra Palace with Abi and Aimee. We're cool like that. Aimee even has a boyfriend, which is one of the many reasons why I love her. #foalsbeatballs

I think when it comes to friends there's six main categories. 

1) The first person you call when you have great news. Consequently, the first person you also call when you're crying into your pillow 

2) The one you know will always be up for getting drunk 

3) The one that is always with their boyfriend, but you enjoy catching up with her when she wants to be with someone other than her boyfriend 

4) The one who you're not really sure how she became your friend because you're so different, but despite this you love everything about her 

5) The one (usually many) you've known for years and will always be a friend even though you might not see them often, but when you do it's like you haven't been apart 

6) The one (hundreds) you're friends with on Facebook, sometimes stalk, but have no further interest in. You probably wouldn't even say hello (unless drunk) if you saw them in the street 

I think all six are vital. I wouldn't say number six is a friend, but they're vital stalk material. Especially the ones that think their life is over everyday because work is busy, or they've ran out of pies at the local chippy. These people provide me with entertainment and generally make me feel good about my life.

Now I hope you have a romantic day. And if you don't, you're not alone. I'm currently treating myself to a salmon and cream cheese bagel and tonight I'll be with two of my best friends drinking cider and having men sweat all over me. And not in a sexual way. 

I have worn a dress with hearts on it today though. Well, I didn't want to look too lonely and bitter. 

 

I'm also going to leave you with this as I love everything about it.

Bye x

Rule No.80: Don't bother trying to take a nice photo when it's windy

This week has been the week of the watering eye. It's just one eye and it won't stop. I've been on the way to work with fresh make up on and tears streaming down one cheek. It's been a massive pain in the arse and pretty embarrassing. Do you think it might be because something is happening? Like when your ear burns? I hope it means I'm going to become rich.

It has also been the week of the peeling lips. Generally my lips decide to peel once a week, which has always worried me a little. However, this week it has been EVERYDAY. The main reason I'm worrying is because snakes shed their skin so they can grow (and get rid of parasites). If my lips are doing the same then I am going to end up with each lip the same size as a banana. 

I think they've already grown.

I'm going to ignore the parasite bit as I'm pretty sure I don't have any parasites on my lips.

In other news, I sold Superman yesterday and I miss him already. He sold for £1 on eBay, but to be honest it wasn't about the money. I just wanted him to go to a good home. Yes, that's right he was like a pet to me. When I answered the door to the woman collecting Superman she said her five year old son was in the car. He didn't know what they were picking up and I could see him looking out of the car window, excited with anticipation. I felt like I'd done a very good deed. It would have been the equivalent to me getting a cardboard cut out of Stephen Gately when I was nine. That would have been INCREDIBLE.

Little did the woman know that underneath my zip up jumper was an 'I love porn tshirt', and underneath my jeans I was still wearing my pj bottoms. Sometimes I worry that my university student habits will never leave me. I even went to the post box with my slippers on when it was RAINING. Obviously my feet got completely soaked and the slippers had to go in the wash. Why was I such a lazy IDIOT? All I had to do was put some shoes on!

Once I was showered and finally out of my pyjamas I went on a third date. Then I went out for my friend Amy's birthday. We went to STK at the ME hotel, which was a surreal experience. It was like a scene out of TOWIE. I even witnessed a woman in a skin tight dress revealing a very large (fake) cleavage, and extremely tanned skin, dance around her husband like he was a pole. He just sat there drinking his champagne and eating his steak as he admired his wife. This was in the middle of a rather expensive restaurant.

I have never enjoyed watching people so much in my life. It was brilliant.

Later on we went to the Radio Rooftop Bar, where Aimee and I took this amazing picture.

I honestly don't understand why we haven't been snapped up as models yet.

Good bye x

Rule No.79: Don't completely lose faith in humanity

Let's start with the thing I know you'll be most eager to hear about.

The zoo was good.

Ten minutes after meeting my date (still to be left nameless) a photographer working at the zoo asked to take our photo, "smile you two". I could feel the awkwardness between us, but as I love awkwardness and as I am also a massive poser in photos I just smiled and did my 'Gina pose'. We didn't actually see the photo so who knows what it looked like, but I probably looked more like Susan Boyle than Kate Moss.

To sum up the day at zoo I've decided it's probably best to focus on both the good things and the embarrassing things that happened. I'll start with the good:

1) We saw every single animal possible
2) I stroked a goat

The embarrassing things:

1) We witnessed a big scary gorilla jump on top of a female gorilla and put his two fingers up her bum (this was both awkward and embarrassing to watch)
2) Immediately after this happened a man shouted to me "I'm sorry my daughter has her hand up your skirt"
3) A monkey jumped and nearly landed on my head so I screamed like an absolute drama queen and people genuinely laughed at me...including my date
4) A camel blew sawdust all over me and my date had to pick it out of my hair... a bit like an ape picking fleas
5) I saw a rat and freaked out. I screamed really loudly and did a really strange shuffle dance to get away. I genuinely don't think I've been that scared for years. My date found it hilarious, I did not
6) I tripped over, panicked and grabbed my dates hand by accident. Actually this wasn't too bad, but it was rather forward
7) I told my date the story of how happy I was to pick up my duvet from the dry cleaners on Saturday. I instantly regretted sharing the story

I think that's about it.

Anyway, I still haven't put him off as I have date two tonight. However, that's all I'm going to share with you for a while now I'm afraid. Mainly because a) I don't want to jinx it and b) I don't want him to find this and think I'm a freak writing about it. 

Moving on...

I'm not sure if you've seen the below already, it's one of those crappy things that always seem to get shared on Facebook. However, this one intrigued me:

When I first saw this I expected to see thousands of comments saying "Ryan Gosling", "George Clooney, "Kelly Brook"...you get the idea. However, not one comment (I probably read about 80) included a celebrity, instead they named a member of their family or a friend. It was so heartwarming to see how many people cherish their family and friends. I genuinely felt that my faith in humanity was lifted slightly. It seems One Direction aren't going to rule the world after all.

Just in case you were interested, I would sit with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Jokes, I would sit with my grandma of course.

I would share a bed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt though. 

In other news, I now have a tongue scraper...not sure why they exist to be honest, but my colleague got it from a press event and left it on my desk. She thought out of everyone on my team I'd be the one to actually want it. She was right.

I will carry on using it even though I'm not sure if I'm using it right and I'm not really sure what it does.

I'm going to leave you with what I came home to last night. I have great housemates. This was courtesy of Lucy. I LOVE PIE.

Apart from the pie I've actually stuck to eating healthily, even though I have had to hold back the tears whilst eating my homemade soup at lunch, WITHOUT bread. That's right, WITHOUT BREAD. 

good bye x

Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x