Rule No.77: Superman isn't much of a hero after all

I'm slightly concerned as one of my main highlights from the weekend was picking up my duvet from the dry cleaners. I can't believe how mature (sad) I'm becoming. I'm like the cheddar cheese that only older people eat because it's so strong...

...I don't really know what I was trying to say with the cheese thing either, but here's the dry cleaned duvet anyway (and my elephant):

I have also just received a message from my housemate to say she's bought a new light bulb for the kitchen. I AM SO EXCITED.

Please see the other old and boring things I have done this weekend in the following list below:

• Cleaned my bathroom 
• Hoovered and tidied my room
• Booked the hotel for the Liverpool trip (five of us are going in March to see Bombay Bicycle Club) 
• Set up an ISA at the bank
• Did two lots of washing
• Made my bed
• Made dinner for my housemates (microwavable)
• Sat in Starbucks and started writing my book... I thought I would be able to meet men in there whilst appearing to look sophisticated, but so far it doesn't seem to be the best place to go. There's a mix of families, girls and old people. Therefore, I think I might change my writing place to a pub, especially when the football or rugby is on

I didn't even drink all weekend. Mainly because I have got into the bad habit of drinking red wine nearly everyday. Therefore, I had a weekend detox. 

OK, that was a humongous lie. I went out in Brixton on Saturday night and consumed a rather large amount of vodka. Although, most of it was free vodka as a 7ft tall (nearly) guy spilt his drink all over my face. And when he saw how sad I was with the vodka dripping from my nose and eyelashes he suddenly felt very guilty. He then offered (which I gladly accepted) to pay for mine and Hayley's drinks all night. I know, I might try and get this to happen to me more often.

I am not going to out for a while now though and I'm going to eat healthily AND start exercising (one of my New Years resolutions remember). I don't want my thighs to look like tree trunks anymore and I don't want my liver to turn into solidified red wine. 

In other news, Superman is now on Gumtree as he failed to protect our house...we saw a mouse last week. Yes, that's right we have mice AGAIN (I think they've actually now gone).

I'm also back on Tinder, which is already depressing me as it's more addictive than Candy Crush. However, so far I've matched with 95% of the guys I've 'liked' so I'm actually pretty impressed with myself. Although only 5% of these guys have actually started talking to me...

Good bye x

Rule No.76: Don't chicken out

Why do the weekends go so quickly?

I'm already sitting in bed after the dreaded Monday at work, and it only feels like five minutes ago that I arrived in Newton Abbot, which was actually on Friday evening. It's depressing. Although, it does mean it's only four days until the next weekend...

I was in Devon this weekend (hence arriving in Newton Abbot), which was lovely. I was staying with my brother as he'd organised an event packed weekend for my mums 60th birthday. My parents (obviously) and my auntie and uncle were also staying at his house. This meant I was left with my six year old nephews bed to sleep in. Good job I'm pretty much the same height as him.  Sometimes being short is useful.  

We went to Bovey castle on Saturday for afternoon tea, which was very posh. They even parked our car for us when we arrived and the staff all wore horse riding clothes. I was on my best behaviour despite dropping the tea strainer in my teacup and having to drink leafy tea. It's just a shame I don't have more control over how I behave when I'm asleep. I woke myself up on the train yesterday with my snoring. Not exactly attractive on a full train carriage. Luckily there wasn't any young, handsome men around. Not that it makes it that much better...

Tonight I went to my first work shop at the writing club I joined. I was nervous, tired from work and craving sausage and mash, but I went. I'm glad I did too, hence today's simple, but wise rule.

I have come away with so much more knowledge about writing a good book. Especially when writing dialect as I'm terrible when it comes to that. I've also come away with a red wine stain on my top, but I definitely didn't learn how to do that. That just seems to come naturally.

It just shows though, sometimes the scariest things and the things that are most out of our comfort zone are the most rewarding. I'm not confident when it comes to writing. You know how I write, I'm not a good describer, I'm not a clever writer and I definitely don't plan what I'm going to write with precision and thought. I write as me, but actually, I think that's OK. Say that, I didn't have the guts to read any of my stuff out. I will next time though, don't you worry. Small steps...

I should probably go to bed. I might actually get seven hours sleep for once (I'm still working on going to bed earlier...) 

I'll leave you with this. 

It's so true. Although arguably, panda eyes aren't a very good look...

X

Rule No.75: Hire someone to drag you to the gym

 It has begun.

I've started with Othello as apparently it's one of the easiest and most interesting ones... I have to say I felt pretty intelligent on the tube this morning. I was holding the book up like it was a sign for everyone to read, with the not so subliminal message "yes, that's right I'M READING SHAKESPEARE". I particularly waved it under the nose of a rather attractive guy.

In other news, I had a moment of fame the other night (kinda). Cosmo held Google Hangouts all last week for Clinique. Bridget March the online beauty editor for Cosmo had been discussing key fashion, beauty and nutrition trends and advice, and taking questions from real readers via a live Google Hangout. I was a standby reader just in case someone had Internet connection problems.

I was needed, hence my moment of fame. I enjoyed it, but watching it back I have realised that I don't have any eyes.

I need bigger eyes. 

I might get my eyelids removed. 

If you want to actually watch the video then click here and click on the fashion bit. 

Sometimes things aren't very obvious until you see them for yourself (like the image above) or until someone points them out to you. Like the time in secondary school when I was going to be Sandy in Grease. Then one day the show producer said "Gina, I've been thinking...since your voice is so low maybe you should be Danny?".

I had no idea people thought my voice was that low. This was made worse when I phoned a clients house phone a couple of years ago and the daughter answered, "Mummy, there's a woman on the phone, she sounds like a man".

Stop laughing.

I think I've managed to make my voice a bit higher over the past few years. I particularly make an effort to sound like a woman when I'm speaking to guy on the phone for the first time. When I'm hungover though it's a completely different story, even my best friends sometimes ask "Gina, is this you?" when they phone me.

I'm going to leave you with a quick summary of last weekend...

I organised a day out in London for my mum's 60th birthday, which was amazing. I highly recommend doing the backstage tour of the Royal Opera House. We also went for lunch at Sketch, which was incredible and they even did this for her:

On Saturday I went to the Planetarium in Greenwich. It was SO FUN and Greenwich is amazing. They have the BEST haloumi wraps in Greenwich market. After visiting the Planetarium I decided that I want to be an astronomer so I might buy a telescope (yes, another one of my 'New Year' hobbies...but at least I won't have to learn to play this one).

Please can someone buy me a telescope? A big one.

The rest of the weekend consisted of red wine, food, films and pubs. And I'm now writing this blog to avoid the gym. I need someone to start dragging me there. Literally. It's been SIX MONTHS.

Yes, you did just read that right. Six months.
. 

x

Rule No.74: Don't use the word 'stuff', unless you want to sound stupid

To add to the New Year's resolutions I wrote in my previous post, I have listed below seven things I want to make sure I do this year (I don't think these are the same as New Year's resolutions..?).  Anyway, here it goes: 

1) Go to the cinema (I haven't been since I went to see American Pie the Reunion in 2012)

2) Read at least three Shakespeare plays

3) Learn to understand Shakespeare

Just in case you're interested, the background to this Shakespeare situation is that I met an actor on Saturday night (fit, 6ft2, rather posh, might see again). He was telling me about some plays he has been in recently and I asked him "so do you understand this Shakespeare stuff then?". He laughed, but I suddenly realised how stupid I must have sounded. I've just never 'got' Shakespeare. I might have achieved an A in English Lit, but it's only because of Spark Notes. I couldn't even tell you what any of Shakespeare's plays are about. Except for Romeo and Juliet (obvs). Therefore, I want to read his plays and try to understand what he's talking about. I might even go to watch a couple.

I know, I'm confused too. What is happening to me? Why am I trying to become 'cultured'?

4) Learn to play the ukulele...it's still sitting in my wardrobe after my first attempt at playing it and after throwing a tantrum because it was too hard

5) Join a writing club...well I may as well and there could be potential husbands there

6) Join a film club (this will help with the cinema situation)

7) Start making YouTube videos for my blog 

I think this will be enough for now.

You'll be surprised to hear that I've already planned to go to the cinema tonight, and I joined a film club and a writing club last night. Therefore, I've pretty much done three of them already. Although, I need to actually go to these clubs, just joining doesn't really count.

In other news, there's been another case of extinction. Men have become dinosaurs once again. This time I think it's linked to Christmas. Even Scrooge doesn't like to be alone at Christmas. However, January is the start of the year, the start of new beginnings where guys want to be free to do whatever they want. Is this right guys? I'm just guessing here.

This case of extinction has happened to four people I know in the past week. Whether they had been on one date or six, over Christmas they had been speaking to the guy everyday. Then as the clocks stroke 12 on the 31st of December the extinction begun, soon all males were turning into dinosaurs. 

It's OK if this has happened to you. You're not alone. Plus, I was one of them.

I'm going to call these the Knobowankersaurus Rex.

Right before I go, I will leave you with some weird food.

Exhibit A:

How can you even call this steak? It's like hard vegetable pâté.

Exhibit B:

I just don't even know where to start with these.

Bye x

Rule No.73: Don't buy chocolate covered cheese

A causally late Happy New Year. 

After 12 hours sleep last night I have finally recovered from Poland. I don't think anyone should consume as much vodka as I did. I honestly think if I had drunk any more my body would have just blown up. Not that it's stopping me from going out tonight. Single ladies cannot just stay at home on a Saturday night. Fact.  

Anyway, NYE in Krakow was ace. I was with great people in a town filled with cheap but tasty vodka, polish sausage and mulled wine. However, the only non alcoholic thing I drank all day was a coffee so the next day my liver hated me. And my kidneys hated me. And my head. And my skin. And most likely my stomach. My throat wasn't too happy either. However, after three days of detoxing I'm feeling pretty lively, plus I've actually drank water and eaten vegetables again.

A lot can happen in Krakow in three days and a lot definitely happened. Therefore, I thought it was probably best to create a list. 

1)  We witnessed men using plastic forks to eat from a bin (sober).

2) A homeless woman opened my legs to crawl between them and reach for a key under the bench I was sitting on. She then grabbed my knee to help stand herself up again. She didn't even talk to me, not that I would have understood her.

3) Suze sat down on a chair in a bar and it completely broke. Instead of helping her as she lay on the floor we pointed and laughed. But, that's what 'true' friends do...well maybe we should have helped her.

4) We bought all of the below for £10. Yes that includes the vodka.

5) An Austrian woman took a photograph of me (without asking) and sent it to her 35 year old son. She couldn't speak English, but her friend translated that she thought I'd be a perfect match. I'm still a bit confused how this romance was supposed to happen?

6) I bought some mistletoe to create some funny photos (and snogs) and then got pounced on by Jade. The mistletoe wasn't even in the air!!! I'm obviously just too irresistible. 

7) Two Italian men came over to speak to the four of us when we were sitting on a wall drinking mulled wine. One really liked Suze and said to me 'can you please move somewhere else so I can sit next to your friend'. Bloody charming. 

8) I had the worst pillow at the hostel. It was like sleeping on a flat brick. 

9) Suze and Jade had to buy ear plugs on our second day so they could sleep through mine and Aimee's snoring (particularly mine...I had a cold). 

10) Suze thought it would be a good idea to buy chocolate covered Camembert. It definitely wasn't. 

11) I got a kiss off two Italian men just after midnight. The two on the back left.

Such an international PIMP.

I also need to point out that Jade is once again using the mistletoe. 

12) I had a polish sausage at 4am on New Years Day. Therefore it was the first food I consumed in 2014 and I'm proud of it. 

13) We all decided to get on the first tram that arrived at our stop instead of using our common sense and looking at a map. We ended up in the middle of nowhere and it was scary, it was like the Krakow ghetto. We jumped on another random tram and again ended up in the middle of nowhere. We did this a third time before giving up and getting a taxi to our hostel. Never again shall we use the YOLO method of catching trams.

This is our 'we're cold and lost, but trying to stay happy face'. I didn't manage to get in the selfie, but you can see a bit of my hair and hat.

I'm going to leave you with my New Years resolutions: 

1) Don't swear so much
2) Become more ladylike

3) Actually do some exercise 

4) Watch TV (I feel socially awkward that I can't join in on TV conversations with people. I only watch max an hour a week)
5) Get a boyfriend

So far in three days I've only stuck to number 4.

LAD.

x