Rule No.74: Don't use the word 'stuff', unless you want to sound stupid

To add to the New Year's resolutions I wrote in my previous post, I have listed below seven things I want to make sure I do this year (I don't think these are the same as New Year's resolutions..?).  Anyway, here it goes: 

1) Go to the cinema (I haven't been since I went to see American Pie the Reunion in 2012)

2) Read at least three Shakespeare plays

3) Learn to understand Shakespeare

Just in case you're interested, the background to this Shakespeare situation is that I met an actor on Saturday night (fit, 6ft2, rather posh, might see again). He was telling me about some plays he has been in recently and I asked him "so do you understand this Shakespeare stuff then?". He laughed, but I suddenly realised how stupid I must have sounded. I've just never 'got' Shakespeare. I might have achieved an A in English Lit, but it's only because of Spark Notes. I couldn't even tell you what any of Shakespeare's plays are about. Except for Romeo and Juliet (obvs). Therefore, I want to read his plays and try to understand what he's talking about. I might even go to watch a couple.

I know, I'm confused too. What is happening to me? Why am I trying to become 'cultured'?

4) Learn to play the ukulele...it's still sitting in my wardrobe after my first attempt at playing it and after throwing a tantrum because it was too hard

5) Join a writing club...well I may as well and there could be potential husbands there

6) Join a film club (this will help with the cinema situation)

7) Start making YouTube videos for my blog 

I think this will be enough for now.

You'll be surprised to hear that I've already planned to go to the cinema tonight, and I joined a film club and a writing club last night. Therefore, I've pretty much done three of them already. Although, I need to actually go to these clubs, just joining doesn't really count.

In other news, there's been another case of extinction. Men have become dinosaurs once again. This time I think it's linked to Christmas. Even Scrooge doesn't like to be alone at Christmas. However, January is the start of the year, the start of new beginnings where guys want to be free to do whatever they want. Is this right guys? I'm just guessing here.

This case of extinction has happened to four people I know in the past week. Whether they had been on one date or six, over Christmas they had been speaking to the guy everyday. Then as the clocks stroke 12 on the 31st of December the extinction begun, soon all males were turning into dinosaurs. 

It's OK if this has happened to you. You're not alone. Plus, I was one of them.

I'm going to call these the Knobowankersaurus Rex.

Right before I go, I will leave you with some weird food.

Exhibit A:

How can you even call this steak? It's like hard vegetable pâté.

Exhibit B:

I just don't even know where to start with these.

Bye x

Rule No.65: Be careful of what it says on your t-shirt

I had a £100 Selfridges voucher so I decided to treat myself. 

Eek. 

I don't know what's happened to me. I'd usually buy a purse from Primark. 

Ah well, as the 'cool' kids say...YOLO. 

I didn't buy the below (obviously), but thought it was too funny not to share. 

Basically, it's a top saying 'I'm a slut'.

Or have I got it wrong? 

And yes, my hat is a sheep's face. 

Whilst I was shopping I realised that every time I'm in a shop I'm always really conscious of how I act. I'm constantly scared security guards or shop assistants think I look suspicious. Does anyone else feel like this or am I just a paranoid Pamela? 

Obviously I don't steal stuff by the way. Except the plastic forks in Pret sometimes.

I know you already think I'm a bit odd, but you're about to think I'm even weirder...I've started taking sleeping tablets to help me sleep. Herbal ones. On Sunday night I was up until 3am keeping a look out for mice and screeching every time I heard the slightest noise. However, the last few nights I have slept amazingly. I've also learnt that having Magic FM on in the background makes me sleep better as I don't listen out for any scratching or rustling of mice. Just to make this clear, I haven't actually seen or heard a mouse for about three weeks so I know they've gone. I just can't get the fear of seeing them in my room out of my head.

I did however have a horrible thing happen to me on Monday night. You know that awful moment when you suddenly realise that one day you're not going to be alive? And you keep thinking, 'no, that can't be true', 'OMG it actually is'. A sudden realisation that one day you're going to die and you just can't get over it. Oh I hate it, it really freaks me out. I had to on Tinder to take my mind off it (any excuse).

Diet news, I've been proudly striding through the office with Scandinavian food this week. 

AND today I went for a pub lunch for Holly's birthday and I had a SALAD! I would usually have a burger so obviously I was pretty proud of myself. The thing is, it's the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year Awards next Thursday and I want to be thinner. Not sure what can happen in a week, but every little helps. Plus, there's bound to be some fit celebs there. My colleagues have told me to try and snog at least three men. I'm aiming lower so I'm hoping to at least get one hug from a male. A proper hug, not a 'oh hello, nice to meet you' hug.  

Come on fat, BURN.
Night x

Rule No. 20: You're never going to be Jay-Z...unless you are Jay-Z

I don't know what is happening to me, but I am currently listening to Selena Gomez's new song. Yes, that's right, I actively searched for it on YouTube. Please feel free to shoot me. Actually don't, I don't want to die. Please feel free to wave your finger at me with a disappointed face.

Last night ended up being a pretty big night...which resulted in a 4am taxi ride home with Emma and Aimee asleep in the back, and me eating a family sized bag of Wotsits. However, surprisingly I woke up feeling great this morning so I had a little Waitrose trip with my housemate. I was in such a good mood, I was walking down each aisle singing the new Jay-Z song really loudly, and doing that gangsta limpy walk thing whilst carrying my shopping basket. My housemate walked a couple of steps ahead of me, but she said she's not going to worry about me until I start wearing a backwards cap.

Maybe I should also start posing like this.

Minus the chain because that looks really heavy. And expensive.

It wasn't until I left Waitrose that I realised it was pretty obvious that I hadn't showered...

Classy.

When I got home (after washing the stamp off) I started to try and learn how to play the ukulele using YouTube tutorials. It wasn't successful. For some reason there have always been two things that I have never been able to learn how to do, despite my biggest efforts. These are, learning a foreign language, and playing an instrument. I tried learning to speak German last year, I paid £100 for the course and I still only know how to count to ten and say thank you. I just don't get it.

Ich liebe Wurst.

I feel like giving up on the ukulele already...first of all I had a massive tantrum because I couldn't even tune the bloody thing. I then watched a YouTube video that was made for CHILDREN in hope that it might help me understand it a bit more, but I couldn't even play Old McDonald.  I think I'm going to give myself a little break and come back to it in a few days. Sad face.


P.S. CHECK OUT MY MASSIVE MR FREEZE.

Yes, it really is ginormous.

Bye

x