Rule No.74: Don't use the word 'stuff', unless you want to sound stupid

To add to the New Year's resolutions I wrote in my previous post, I have listed below seven things I want to make sure I do this year (I don't think these are the same as New Year's resolutions..?).  Anyway, here it goes: 

1) Go to the cinema (I haven't been since I went to see American Pie the Reunion in 2012)

2) Read at least three Shakespeare plays

3) Learn to understand Shakespeare

Just in case you're interested, the background to this Shakespeare situation is that I met an actor on Saturday night (fit, 6ft2, rather posh, might see again). He was telling me about some plays he has been in recently and I asked him "so do you understand this Shakespeare stuff then?". He laughed, but I suddenly realised how stupid I must have sounded. I've just never 'got' Shakespeare. I might have achieved an A in English Lit, but it's only because of Spark Notes. I couldn't even tell you what any of Shakespeare's plays are about. Except for Romeo and Juliet (obvs). Therefore, I want to read his plays and try to understand what he's talking about. I might even go to watch a couple.

I know, I'm confused too. What is happening to me? Why am I trying to become 'cultured'?

4) Learn to play the ukulele...it's still sitting in my wardrobe after my first attempt at playing it and after throwing a tantrum because it was too hard

5) Join a writing club...well I may as well and there could be potential husbands there

6) Join a film club (this will help with the cinema situation)

7) Start making YouTube videos for my blog 

I think this will be enough for now.

You'll be surprised to hear that I've already planned to go to the cinema tonight, and I joined a film club and a writing club last night. Therefore, I've pretty much done three of them already. Although, I need to actually go to these clubs, just joining doesn't really count.

In other news, there's been another case of extinction. Men have become dinosaurs once again. This time I think it's linked to Christmas. Even Scrooge doesn't like to be alone at Christmas. However, January is the start of the year, the start of new beginnings where guys want to be free to do whatever they want. Is this right guys? I'm just guessing here.

This case of extinction has happened to four people I know in the past week. Whether they had been on one date or six, over Christmas they had been speaking to the guy everyday. Then as the clocks stroke 12 on the 31st of December the extinction begun, soon all males were turning into dinosaurs. 

It's OK if this has happened to you. You're not alone. Plus, I was one of them.

I'm going to call these the Knobowankersaurus Rex.

Right before I go, I will leave you with some weird food.

Exhibit A:

How can you even call this steak? It's like hard vegetable pâté.

Exhibit B:

I just don't even know where to start with these.

Bye x

Rule No. 20: You're never going to be Jay-Z...unless you are Jay-Z

I don't know what is happening to me, but I am currently listening to Selena Gomez's new song. Yes, that's right, I actively searched for it on YouTube. Please feel free to shoot me. Actually don't, I don't want to die. Please feel free to wave your finger at me with a disappointed face.

Last night ended up being a pretty big night...which resulted in a 4am taxi ride home with Emma and Aimee asleep in the back, and me eating a family sized bag of Wotsits. However, surprisingly I woke up feeling great this morning so I had a little Waitrose trip with my housemate. I was in such a good mood, I was walking down each aisle singing the new Jay-Z song really loudly, and doing that gangsta limpy walk thing whilst carrying my shopping basket. My housemate walked a couple of steps ahead of me, but she said she's not going to worry about me until I start wearing a backwards cap.

Maybe I should also start posing like this.

Minus the chain because that looks really heavy. And expensive.

It wasn't until I left Waitrose that I realised it was pretty obvious that I hadn't showered...

Classy.

When I got home (after washing the stamp off) I started to try and learn how to play the ukulele using YouTube tutorials. It wasn't successful. For some reason there have always been two things that I have never been able to learn how to do, despite my biggest efforts. These are, learning a foreign language, and playing an instrument. I tried learning to speak German last year, I paid £100 for the course and I still only know how to count to ten and say thank you. I just don't get it.

Ich liebe Wurst.

I feel like giving up on the ukulele already...first of all I had a massive tantrum because I couldn't even tune the bloody thing. I then watched a YouTube video that was made for CHILDREN in hope that it might help me understand it a bit more, but I couldn't even play Old McDonald.  I think I'm going to give myself a little break and come back to it in a few days. Sad face.


P.S. CHECK OUT MY MASSIVE MR FREEZE.

Yes, it really is ginormous.

Bye

x

Rule No. 17: Eating crisps attract men

GUESS WHAT!!! My ukulele arrived! I love it. It makes me look so Hawaiian.

I'm going to wear the flowers every time I play. Well, it would be ridiculous not to wouldn't it? Like Elton John without his glasses.

I will start my Youtube tutorials tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to upload a short video of me playing by the end of the week. Don't expect anything good, it will probably just be a video of me playing a few chords (I say this like I know what a chord is)...

I've got some pretty funny stuff to tell you, but I'm afraid it's going to have to wait until tomorrow as I need to rush off soon to do some work. Don't hate me.

I'll tell you the crisp story for now...

On the way to my fire poi lesson this evening I was feeling pretty hungry as I hadn't eaten much of my lunch, so I stopped off at a newsagents. A man in the shop who was at least 40 years old greeted me with "hello beautiful, nice smile. Do you want to meet again?".  With a nervous laughter I said, "no thank you" and paid for my crisps and walked out of the shop. Then, just as I walked out a car slowed down and a man blew a kiss at me. I ignored it, opened my crisps and started eating them (they were Frazzles, if you were interested). A guy walking past me then said "yeaa guuurl looking fiiiine" and made a kissing noise. As a matter of fact, I wasn't looking fine at all, I had just put a handful of crisps into my mouth. THEN a car STOPPED and two guys shouted out of the window "hey sexy girl"...

Now I'm pretty sure my skirt wasn't tucked into my pants or anything like that, and I definitely wasn't looking 'sexy' or 'fine'. I had been sitting at my desk all day being stressed, and because I got rained on this morning I looked a bit like Krusty the clown. Therefore, I can conclude that men are attracted to women eating crisps. Well they are in Brixton anyway.

On a different note, what were these guys actually expecting? I wasn't exactly going to turn round and be like "hello baby" and make kissing noises back. Well, I suppose I could, but that would just be weird.

Tomorrow is going to be a big post, I can feel it.

Night x