Rule No. 43: Don't get upset, boys are like dinosaurs

I didn't end up going to the silent speed dating on Friday night. I couldn't face the awkwardness when all I wanted to do was go home and lie down. I love lying down. So I went home and watched a film in bed whilst eating a BBQ chicken pizza with a ridiculous amount of garlic dip.

Heaven.

I doubt I would have met the love of my life anyway...especially when all I could do was mime or make noises. I would have got nervous and started snorting like a pig.

I know it's strange, but I'm so glad it's been raining recently. I'm one of those weirdos that actually quite likes the cold. Plus, when it's raining the ducks are happy, the plants are happy, the clouds are happy to be lighter and I'm happy to be inside nice and dry. Of course I agree that being outside sucks, especially without an umbrella, but when people are outside and you're inside it's amazing.

For once I didn't go out Saturday night, Abi came over and I sat with my 'I Love Porn' tshirt on, my harem trousers that I bought in Thailand, socks with holes in that I should have thrown out years ago and my big red fluffy dressing gown on that makes me look like a big giant tomato. We watched XFactor, Through The Keyhole and Starter For 10, and drank red wine. 

Earlier on in the evening I practised my fire poi so I did actually leave the house for a bit.  The only problem with fire poi is it makes me look like a car mechanic afterwards. I smell like one too.

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that men have become extinct. The reason I have come to this conclusion is because I know at least three friends that have been texting/dating a guy, and the guy has all of a sudden stopped texting them (for no reason as far as they know). Therefore, I think they might be like dinosaurs, they must have all died. That's the only thing I can think of. Why else would they stop contacting them? My friends are awesome. 

Boys are a weird species. 

I was supposed to be going on a date today, which didn't happen. Not sure why. Again, boys are weird. However, I'm glad it got cancelled because I look like Rudolph.

For now my plug in air freshener is going to be the only thing in my room that smells like a man. I didn't actually realise it was going to smell like a man when I bought it, but I'm pleasantly surprised. I know that sounds creepy, but it is nice coming home from work and having a manly smell in my room.

OMG I'M SUCH A WEIRDO.  

As well as looking like a red nosed reindeer, I've also noticed recently that I have eyes like a cow. 

Surely you can see where I'm coming from?!

Night x

Rule No. 18: Sometimes you just have to accept that you attract weirdos

I warned you that today was going to be a big post and I wasn't lying...

I did something on Monday that you are going to love, but I'll tell you about that a bit later. First let me tell you about today as there have been a few bad impressions and awkward moments (this probably isn't a surprise).

This morning my colleague told me she had a headache, so being the kind person that I am I offered her some Ibuprofen. However, I didn't think to check the packet before giving it to her (why would you?). All of a sudden there was a loud "errrggghh". Yep, that's right, there was a used chewing gum stuck to the packet.

I genuinely do not know how the chewing gum got there. I wouldn't like to think that I would just spit my chewing gum out into my bag. To make the matter worse there was a long dark hair (mine) stuck to it, which then became attached to my colleagues thumb. Obviously we both laughed about it, everyone knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to get embarrassed, and she's not type to get repulsed easily. However, it wasn't the greatest moment and I am a little concerned that people will question my hygiene. Therefore, it has made me think that it could be a good idea (excuse) to buy a new handbag...my current one obviously isn't very clean. The massive hole at the top of it isn't very attractive either.

Awkward moment number two, which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to (and it's not just me for once). This afternoon I phoned a company director who I hadn't spoken to before. When they answered we obviously did the whole 'hello' thing, but I then went on to say "I'm good thank you, how are you?". The only problem is, they hadn't actually asked 'how are you?'. WHAT WAS MY BRAIN THINKING... You then have that awkward 'oh sorry, you didn't ask me that' moment, which then makes it sound like you're criticising them for not asking how you are. DIG ME OUT. 

I won't make you wait any longer.

I've joined Plenty of Fish.

Now, I haven't joined the site expecting any dates, but it's more for the banter. I have actually joined once before, as last year my housemate persuaded me to sign up with her. I went on one date and I ended up dating him for four months. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable four months either as he was a bit of a kn*b, and I don't really know why I bothered staying with him. I also discovered that he was cheating on me too, the absolute £$£@*%$£!!!!

Therefore, I'm not actually sure I even want to go on a date, but I thought I would just see what happens. And, oh boy you're going to love some of the messages I've received. I've had about fifty so far and I haven't replied to a single one. And, that isn't even me being fussy, they're just terrible. I would say that 95% of the guys haven't even bothered to read my profile and they definitely haven't bothered to think of a nice message to send. Please see examples below:

1) Hi babs
2) Hi
3) Hey lady says up
4) Baby, does G stand for gorgeous?
5) Hey
6) Hi sweete
7) Hello can we me you frand go out  (????)
8) Heya I'm Matt
9) Knock knock
10) Hi How are you? Hopefully the weather will sort it's self out

My absolute favourite is this guy:

 

No, unfortunately that isn't his profile picture. Damn. 

News flash...as I was scrolling through to find the worst messages to show you, I received a message from a guy that actually seems nice, he's also good looking and he has banter. This could be my first reply...

x