Rule No.87: Don't laugh at random people's children when you're not supposed to

Yesterday I got told I looked tired and pale. Obviously this filled me with joy as these are two words every woman wants to hear before they leave the office to meet a friend for drinks. Yet, my colleague was right. Therefore, it was a good excuse to drink two glasses of red wine to bring the colour back to my cheeks. And because I like wine. A lot.

I enjoyed myself.

The wine didn't exactly help with the tiredness though, and as soon as I got home I passed out on the sofa, which let's be honest is never the most ideal place to sleep.

This is why I've still been rubbish at blog posting, despite getting my new laptop. Work is just so busy at the moment, which is actually a great thing, but it just means I don't have much spare time or energy to write. I promise I'm not ignoring you, and it's nothing to do with the fact I have a boyfriend. Although, I must admit it's weird not writing stories about weirdo guys, dates, Tinder, etc.

Although, there are still a lot of strange people about...

For example, this rather possessed-like two year old girl kept screaming horrificly loud on the tube yesterday. Then she would look ridiculously innocent each time she stopped as if she hadn't done anything wrong. She repeatedly did this for a good five minutes, 'scream, innocent face, scream, innocent face' (it felt like eternity). Her scream was horrendous as well, it was as if someone had just told her there were monsters under her bed and they were going to eat her. And her teddy bear.

I couldn't help myself, after trying to do the typical London commuter thing and ignore it or tut, I just looked at her and burst out laughing. She then stopped screaming and looked at me like I was an alien. An odd looking alien, not a scary one. Luckily her mum was oblivious to everything and so I didn't get told off for laughing at her daughter. It's probably not the best thing to do when someones child is screaming. But at least I inadvertently stopped her from screaming and I'm pretty sure the commuters appreciated it. Although, obviously no one talked because that would just be 'weird'... No one talks on the tube, it's against the tube rules. 

A couple of hours after this I was walking through Clapham Junction station after meeting my friend Vicki for food, when a man walked past us and rather loudly burped right by our faces. He didn't have a single ounce of emotion on his face after he did this. It was as if he'd just yawned and I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk either. Obviously, Vicki and I burst out laughing because even though it was pretty disgusting it was bloody funny.

Then, on the tube home I witnessed a girl on crutches, and her leg was in a strappy cast type thing. She was standing up whilst her friend with normal working legs sat down. This confused me. Why does her friend deserve a seat when her legs are working and her friend is there trying to balance on her crutches in a moving tube carriage? The only thing I could think of was that her friend was a bitch. I think I was right.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a video with you as it is pretty cool. I went to a Robinson's Squash'd press event last week, and the maker of Gravity was there as he has designed a short film for Robinson's. It was shot in a Zero G plane that goes so high and drops so fast there is no gravity for 20 seconds. They only had 12 attempts to shoot the video and they managed to capture it on their last take...
Watch it here

Oh, and this is me on the cool cow sofas in the cinema after a couple of red wines...

I thought I looked like this at the time:

Bye x

Rule No.82: You actually do learn something new everyday

In the past week I have learnt a number of things. This is the great thing about life, it teaches you valuable lessons: 

1) Never go for a wax in a salon where men get their hair cut. Apparently giving your name to the receptionist isn't enough... "oh yes, for a Brazilian?" Thanks. Now the two guys standing next to me know about it you stupid woman.

To add to this, when I was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the salon, the beautician appeared and shouted "Gina? For a Brazilian?" Now a total of nine men knew about it. Plus one woman. Why the salon had so many men get their hair cut there, I do not know. I blame valentines day. 

2) Don't write this story whilst you're on the tube. 

The guy next to me now knows about the wax. He also knows I'm writing about him and I feel awkward. STOP LOOKING AT MY PHONE. 

3) Drinking soft drinks instead of alcohol can actually be a good idea. 

I went to see Foals on Friday night. Aimee and I high fived each other after we got through security because we managed to sneak in an orange juice and coconut water. 

It was the first time I had ever been to a gig and not had my usual cider or Red Stripe. However, I liked waking up the next day without a hangover. Plus, I liked laughing with Aimee on the way home about how granny like we have become. 

Who high fives for sneaking in coconut water? Me apparently.

Oh god, I am pathetic.

4) Think before you speak. And listen carefully (yes, that's two things).

On my fourth date (yes, that's right FOURTH) on Saturday night the guy said during our conversation on the type of people living in different areas of London (I agree it doesn't sound thrilling), "yea, they're the class above". In my slightly gin intoxicated state I thought he said "they're class bruv". I therefore replied rather loudly in a rude boi voice "YES BRUV". To which baffled, he said "did you just call me bruv?" 

That's right, I called him bruv. 

I do have a fifth date though.

5) Making Moroccan food is expensive. 

I spent £36 on ingredients to make dinner for my housemates on Sunday. Mainly because I didn't own tahini, harissa, cinnamon, cumin, fresh ginger... This kind of stuff is EXPENSIVE. However, it was worth it and I proved to myself and my housemates that I can actually cook. I also know what tahini and harissa is now...as if you thought I knew before!?!

6) My brother shouldn't trust me (and I shouldn't trust myself) to take my nephew to the all you can eat Chinese buffet. 

My nephew got himself a plateful of chips, battered chicken and a poppadom (strange Chinese buffet I know). I did try to get him to put some broccoli on his plate, but he knew that I'm too soft and he just helped himself to some more chips. 

He then had three helpings of ice cream.

At least he doesn't think I'm like Miss Trunchbull I suppose...

7) If you're going to wear a long coat then make sure your skirt is longer than it. You may otherwise look like you forgot to put a skirt on. 

Yes, that is a Vietnamese style hat. No, I do not know why I bought it.

8) Don't 'swear on your life' when you're actually lying. I'm now scared I'm going to die after a random guy stopped me and asked if I had any money to buy one of his reggae CDs.

To be fair I only had £1, which I don't think he would have appreciated anyway... (I still might die)

Good bye.

x

Rule No.81: Cool people don't celebrate Valentines Day

It's valentines day. The day most women in the office receive flowers, chocolates and balloons. And as I work for three women's magazines, this is a lot of women. For the past three valentines days that I have worked here I have so far received a packet of love hearts from my previous manager, who is gay. 

This year is no different. Yet I do have a fourth date tomorrow so I'm definitely in a more positive situation than last year. I would say last year was the worst valentines day yet. Splitting up with my boyfriend two weeks before then having another ex boyfriend (slightly psycho) call my work phone, ask if it's me then hang up, wasn't the most romantic gesture. In fact I was in so much rage I had to buy a chicken burrito to calm me down. 

Tonight I'm going to see Foals at Alexandra Palace with Abi and Aimee. We're cool like that. Aimee even has a boyfriend, which is one of the many reasons why I love her. #foalsbeatballs

I think when it comes to friends there's six main categories. 

1) The first person you call when you have great news. Consequently, the first person you also call when you're crying into your pillow 

2) The one you know will always be up for getting drunk 

3) The one that is always with their boyfriend, but you enjoy catching up with her when she wants to be with someone other than her boyfriend 

4) The one who you're not really sure how she became your friend because you're so different, but despite this you love everything about her 

5) The one (usually many) you've known for years and will always be a friend even though you might not see them often, but when you do it's like you haven't been apart 

6) The one (hundreds) you're friends with on Facebook, sometimes stalk, but have no further interest in. You probably wouldn't even say hello (unless drunk) if you saw them in the street 

I think all six are vital. I wouldn't say number six is a friend, but they're vital stalk material. Especially the ones that think their life is over everyday because work is busy, or they've ran out of pies at the local chippy. These people provide me with entertainment and generally make me feel good about my life.

Now I hope you have a romantic day. And if you don't, you're not alone. I'm currently treating myself to a salmon and cream cheese bagel and tonight I'll be with two of my best friends drinking cider and having men sweat all over me. And not in a sexual way. 

I have worn a dress with hearts on it today though. Well, I didn't want to look too lonely and bitter. 

 

I'm also going to leave you with this as I love everything about it.

Bye x

Rule No.80: Don't bother trying to take a nice photo when it's windy

This week has been the week of the watering eye. It's just one eye and it won't stop. I've been on the way to work with fresh make up on and tears streaming down one cheek. It's been a massive pain in the arse and pretty embarrassing. Do you think it might be because something is happening? Like when your ear burns? I hope it means I'm going to become rich.

It has also been the week of the peeling lips. Generally my lips decide to peel once a week, which has always worried me a little. However, this week it has been EVERYDAY. The main reason I'm worrying is because snakes shed their skin so they can grow (and get rid of parasites). If my lips are doing the same then I am going to end up with each lip the same size as a banana. 

I think they've already grown.

I'm going to ignore the parasite bit as I'm pretty sure I don't have any parasites on my lips.

In other news, I sold Superman yesterday and I miss him already. He sold for £1 on eBay, but to be honest it wasn't about the money. I just wanted him to go to a good home. Yes, that's right he was like a pet to me. When I answered the door to the woman collecting Superman she said her five year old son was in the car. He didn't know what they were picking up and I could see him looking out of the car window, excited with anticipation. I felt like I'd done a very good deed. It would have been the equivalent to me getting a cardboard cut out of Stephen Gately when I was nine. That would have been INCREDIBLE.

Little did the woman know that underneath my zip up jumper was an 'I love porn tshirt', and underneath my jeans I was still wearing my pj bottoms. Sometimes I worry that my university student habits will never leave me. I even went to the post box with my slippers on when it was RAINING. Obviously my feet got completely soaked and the slippers had to go in the wash. Why was I such a lazy IDIOT? All I had to do was put some shoes on!

Once I was showered and finally out of my pyjamas I went on a third date. Then I went out for my friend Amy's birthday. We went to STK at the ME hotel, which was a surreal experience. It was like a scene out of TOWIE. I even witnessed a woman in a skin tight dress revealing a very large (fake) cleavage, and extremely tanned skin, dance around her husband like he was a pole. He just sat there drinking his champagne and eating his steak as he admired his wife. This was in the middle of a rather expensive restaurant.

I have never enjoyed watching people so much in my life. It was brilliant.

Later on we went to the Radio Rooftop Bar, where Aimee and I took this amazing picture.

I honestly don't understand why we haven't been snapped up as models yet.

Good bye x

Rule No.79: Don't completely lose faith in humanity

Let's start with the thing I know you'll be most eager to hear about.

The zoo was good.

Ten minutes after meeting my date (still to be left nameless) a photographer working at the zoo asked to take our photo, "smile you two". I could feel the awkwardness between us, but as I love awkwardness and as I am also a massive poser in photos I just smiled and did my 'Gina pose'. We didn't actually see the photo so who knows what it looked like, but I probably looked more like Susan Boyle than Kate Moss.

To sum up the day at zoo I've decided it's probably best to focus on both the good things and the embarrassing things that happened. I'll start with the good:

1) We saw every single animal possible
2) I stroked a goat

The embarrassing things:

1) We witnessed a big scary gorilla jump on top of a female gorilla and put his two fingers up her bum (this was both awkward and embarrassing to watch)
2) Immediately after this happened a man shouted to me "I'm sorry my daughter has her hand up your skirt"
3) A monkey jumped and nearly landed on my head so I screamed like an absolute drama queen and people genuinely laughed at me...including my date
4) A camel blew sawdust all over me and my date had to pick it out of my hair... a bit like an ape picking fleas
5) I saw a rat and freaked out. I screamed really loudly and did a really strange shuffle dance to get away. I genuinely don't think I've been that scared for years. My date found it hilarious, I did not
6) I tripped over, panicked and grabbed my dates hand by accident. Actually this wasn't too bad, but it was rather forward
7) I told my date the story of how happy I was to pick up my duvet from the dry cleaners on Saturday. I instantly regretted sharing the story

I think that's about it.

Anyway, I still haven't put him off as I have date two tonight. However, that's all I'm going to share with you for a while now I'm afraid. Mainly because a) I don't want to jinx it and b) I don't want him to find this and think I'm a freak writing about it. 

Moving on...

I'm not sure if you've seen the below already, it's one of those crappy things that always seem to get shared on Facebook. However, this one intrigued me:

When I first saw this I expected to see thousands of comments saying "Ryan Gosling", "George Clooney, "Kelly Brook"...you get the idea. However, not one comment (I probably read about 80) included a celebrity, instead they named a member of their family or a friend. It was so heartwarming to see how many people cherish their family and friends. I genuinely felt that my faith in humanity was lifted slightly. It seems One Direction aren't going to rule the world after all.

Just in case you were interested, I would sit with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Jokes, I would sit with my grandma of course.

I would share a bed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt though. 

In other news, I now have a tongue scraper...not sure why they exist to be honest, but my colleague got it from a press event and left it on my desk. She thought out of everyone on my team I'd be the one to actually want it. She was right.

I will carry on using it even though I'm not sure if I'm using it right and I'm not really sure what it does.

I'm going to leave you with what I came home to last night. I have great housemates. This was courtesy of Lucy. I LOVE PIE.

Apart from the pie I've actually stuck to eating healthily, even though I have had to hold back the tears whilst eating my homemade soup at lunch, WITHOUT bread. That's right, WITHOUT BREAD. 

good bye x

Rule No.78: Be mean to guys. It actually works

You are all going to be extremely proud of me, I WENT TO THE GYM! Yes, you read correctly. 

I wasn't very happy about it though... 

...but actually I was really happy afterwards, so I celebrated with half a bottle of red wine and some chips that I stole from my housemates dinner plate.

Then I had a jumbo sized bag of Wotsits. 

I have been reasonably healthy this week though and my lunches have mainly looked like this:

I know it looks disgusting, but it actually tastes alright when you dip a baguette covered in butter into it (not so healthy after all).

Anyway, I've stayed in tonight as I got a little bit too drunk last night, which of course is not like me... I weirdly spent most of my night telling people that my friend Jonny was thinking about me whilst holding his willy. This came from the fact that when I first saw him in the bar he said "Giinaaaa, I was just in the toilet and thought 'I wonder if Gina is coming?' and here you are!" I then asked if he was thinking this whilst weeing and he said yes. Now I'm not too sure why I thought I needed to tell everyone the slightly exaggerated story, but I think white wine was the main reason.

Say that, I'm now sober and I still find it funny. My inner child needs to calm down. 

On a less weird note, I met a guy last night. We randomly started talking to each other after he held a door open for me (gentleman). Most of the conversation revolved around me telling him that he looks like a chav. I also told him he talks like a chav and sounds like Professor Green, where really it was just an East London accent. At one point I said "I bet your favourite music is rap and I bet you take loads of photos of your torso and put them on Instagram'. He obviously fought his corner and it turns out he actually isn't a chav at all. Then again I could have had my wine goggles on. Surprisingly though, after all of this he offered to buy me a drink and asked for my number.

Therefore, the moral of the story is that being mean to guys actually works. He even phoned me today and we're going on a date to London Zoo tomorrow.

Baffling I know.

Let's not monkey around though (lol, dad joke) it is bound to go wrong so let's end with this.

Night x

Rule No.77: Superman isn't much of a hero after all

I'm slightly concerned as one of my main highlights from the weekend was picking up my duvet from the dry cleaners. I can't believe how mature (sad) I'm becoming. I'm like the cheddar cheese that only older people eat because it's so strong...

...I don't really know what I was trying to say with the cheese thing either, but here's the dry cleaned duvet anyway (and my elephant):

I have also just received a message from my housemate to say she's bought a new light bulb for the kitchen. I AM SO EXCITED.

Please see the other old and boring things I have done this weekend in the following list below:

• Cleaned my bathroom 
• Hoovered and tidied my room
• Booked the hotel for the Liverpool trip (five of us are going in March to see Bombay Bicycle Club) 
• Set up an ISA at the bank
• Did two lots of washing
• Made my bed
• Made dinner for my housemates (microwavable)
• Sat in Starbucks and started writing my book... I thought I would be able to meet men in there whilst appearing to look sophisticated, but so far it doesn't seem to be the best place to go. There's a mix of families, girls and old people. Therefore, I think I might change my writing place to a pub, especially when the football or rugby is on

I didn't even drink all weekend. Mainly because I have got into the bad habit of drinking red wine nearly everyday. Therefore, I had a weekend detox. 

OK, that was a humongous lie. I went out in Brixton on Saturday night and consumed a rather large amount of vodka. Although, most of it was free vodka as a 7ft tall (nearly) guy spilt his drink all over my face. And when he saw how sad I was with the vodka dripping from my nose and eyelashes he suddenly felt very guilty. He then offered (which I gladly accepted) to pay for mine and Hayley's drinks all night. I know, I might try and get this to happen to me more often.

I am not going to out for a while now though and I'm going to eat healthily AND start exercising (one of my New Years resolutions remember). I don't want my thighs to look like tree trunks anymore and I don't want my liver to turn into solidified red wine. 

In other news, Superman is now on Gumtree as he failed to protect our house...we saw a mouse last week. Yes, that's right we have mice AGAIN (I think they've actually now gone).

I'm also back on Tinder, which is already depressing me as it's more addictive than Candy Crush. However, so far I've matched with 95% of the guys I've 'liked' so I'm actually pretty impressed with myself. Although only 5% of these guys have actually started talking to me...

Good bye x