Rule No.60: Don't trust dogs when taking selfies

I made it to North Carolina and I have finally met my new niece.

Her name is Rachel, not Simba. 

I am not a Mandrill either. 

So far I seem to have an addiction to taking yawning selfies. Although, my yawns are fake (I probably don't need to tell you this as it's rather obvious). 

However, this one went a little wrong as the dog tried to lick my face. 

Food wise, I have been pretty normal so far. I had weetabix for breakfast. Then again, I had pumpkin American pancakes for lunch. They were amazing. 

Obviously I have been on Tinder already, having a little hunt for hot American men. I have been talking to a doctor called Eric so far. I've noticed that the American Tinder profiles include a lot of pictures with dogs and a lot of fishing action shots. 

The flight was pretty good yesterday and I got to watch Monsters University, which I've wanted to watch for ages. It made me cry though, which was pretty awkward and slightly embarrassing. I didn't expect a cartoon about monsters to make me cry. 

It was weird yesterday as my parents actually told me to look after the boarding passes and passports. That's when you know you're grown up and trusted. Say that, I did just tell you I watched Monsters University on the plane.

Right, I'm off to go shopping. 

Catch up soon you guys (so American already). 

X 

Rule No.48: You don't want to be Einstein

I am actually dieting.

Look!

Mushroom soup with chicken... Despite the grey colour, it was actually pretty nice.

You'll be even more proud of me, there were some coconut macaroons in my office and I made myself eat dried apricots instead.

I have also planned to stop spending so much money on food and alcohol, and to actually start saving for a house like a grown up. I think I'm becoming mature.

Round of applause please.
 

In other news, I got chatted up by a guy in M&S yesterday, he said he liked my tshirt. It had a big dinosaur on it, which is not so grown up I know. 

He was actually pretty fit and was Spanish looking, which I like. Nothing happened though obviously, I just said thank you and walked away like an idiot.

I realised today that I let good looking guys get away with more. A rather handsome chap was on the tube this morning and he had his newspaper in my face. He was also leaning on me, which was uncomfortable and every time he turned the page of his newspaper it brushed my nose. I didn't get annoyed though because I fancied him. Therefore, good looking men get away with more. That's my theory anyway, not that I'm Einstein. If I was Einstein I'd be getting a helicopter to work. Actually, I wouldn't be going to work I'd be at home bathing in my very large heated swimming pool with half naked butlers serving me piña coladas.

Actually, if I was being realistic, I would be dead. 

On the topic of good looking men (not including Einstein), I had to rearrange the folders on my desktop today so I could see Joseph Gordon-Levitt's face. 

I think I love him.

I'm going to leave you with some exciting news. I am an AUNTY! (again). My niece was born on the 1st of October. Unfortunately, I'll have to wait 6 weeks until I get to see her because my brother lives in North Carolina, but I'm so excited!

Eek.

Have a lovely Wednesday x

Rule No.11: It's not about one way conversations

I bloody did it! I got a pic of the easel. However, I didn't have time to queue for an hour so it's from afar. Nevertheless, I got one!

I went to Buckingham Palace after work in the end, it was always going to be a miracle if I got up early enough to go before work. I HATE mornings more than I hate Jessie J, which is a lot. Therefore, I had to rush there straight after work so I could still get to my fire poi lesson on time. I was rushing so much I had sweat flying off me. By the time I got on the tube at Green Park I was like a wet dog. Soaked. Slightly embarrassed I attempted to pat myself dry, but I was just sweating uncontrollably. I then attempted to use a magazine to waft myself, but that didn't really work and I don't think  people on the carriage were too impressed as they seemed to be concerned that I was just wafting sweat on them. A seat then became available so I sat down, which I thought would help calm the sweat down, and calm me down in general. As I sat down the man next to me shuffled away like I was really disgusting. This felt weird and I felt both embarrassed and ashamed, very ashamed. However, thankfully by the time I got to Brixton I had been restored to a normal person. I left the tube feeling slightly less disgusting. Slightly.

Two more things about the royal baby before I bore off...1) IT'S NOT GINGER 2) I loved this cover.

So the title of my post is referring to a couple of people I met this evening. I had never met them before so I thought I'd make conversation when introduced. However, every question I asked they'd just respond with a one word answer, and they wouldn't return the question. This to me is just rude. I've got to the point in life now where I know the people I like - people I can be completely myself around and I know are genuinely interested in talking to me. People that I can happily announce if I need the 'toilet toilet' to, people that won't judge me for liking Mcfly and people that will order pie and not salad. I just think there is no point making the effort with people that are rude or don't give a sh*t. If you initially try and don't get anywhere, then don't waste your breath. Personally, I'd rather sit in awkward silence, and that's exactly what I did. And, guess what, they STILL didn't try and make conversation. I would LOVE to see them on a first date.

Tonight I've been chatting to some girl mates from home (Coventry) in a whatsapp group. We were discussing how we fancy Eminem (I'm going to Reading festival), which randomly led onto whether we'd sleep with a famous crush if we knew they hadn't washed for a week. The general consensus was yes. I mean, would you turn down George Clooney or Miranda Kerr if they smelt like stilton?

I'll leave that thought with you.

Night x

Rule No.10: The royal baby is allowed to steal your thunder

Today I had my first Fire Poi lesson with REAL FIRE. It was 33 degrees and I had to wear black jeans, a black t-shirt and throw fire around. I was a sweaty mess, but who cares, I bloody did it. And, I only managed to hit myself three times. AND, I did not set myself on fire. Overall, it was reasonably successful. Therefore, it won't be long until I'm like this:

OK, I'm being rather optimistic. It won't be long until I'm like this:

Too far.

Anyway, none of this really matters as I haven't just popped out the future king. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. It must also be weird for William to think that his son won't be king until he's dead. OK, that's a weird thing to think and probably hasn't even crossed Big Willy's mind. On another note, I hope the baby isn't ginger (no offence) and doesn't have William's nose, as my daughter is going to marry him. Even if there is a 20 year difference.

I'm going to attempt to get up early tomorrow and take a picture of the easel on the way to work (if it's still there). If I manage to do it then of course I'll post it on here :)

On a disappointing note, I tweeted Boris Johnson to ask if we can have Monday off work, but he hasn't replied. Therefore, I'm guessing we don't get a bank holiday for a Royal baby being born. Worth a try anyway.

I need to shower as I smell of paraffin.

Happy New Royal Baby Day.

Night x