Rule No.93: Don't Let Men Order Things Unless You Also Want To Turn Into A Man

So...having a boyfriend for over nine months has resulted in me walking around with my trousers unbuttoned without shame. Not in a pervy way. In an 'I've eaten a burger and chips and my belly is too full, I need to breath and I don't care if people think I'm weird' kind of way. 

I don't think I've actually put on weight, but I would be lying if I thought a salad diet wouldn't be a good idea. I have been walking through Covent Garden with my trousers undone after all...

Now I didn't want to begin my blog with an apology, so I haven't, but now I'm ready... I am sorry for the lack of blogging. 

As I'm sure you can sympathise, it's hard to find the time and the energy. And in the past few months I've had a lot going on. One thing particularly that has been taking up my time is Breaking Bad and if you have already watched Breaking Bad then you'll understand.

Joking aside, any spare time I've had I have wanted to lie down and play sleeping lions. I've been tired.

But now I'm back.

If you're not friends with me on Facebook then I need to fill you in. My boyfriend (still feels weird that I actually have one. A nice one. Miracle.) took me to Barcelona for my birthday! I mean seriously, this guy is good. 

I've never really been to Spain before though, unless you count Magaluf. Therefore, my Spanish is lacking. Seriously lacking. For example, on the first night in Barcelona in a busy 'hip' bar I accidentally used the men's toilets because I presumed 'H' stood for women and 'M' for men.

I had a suspicion that I had made the wrong choice when I got into the cubicle and saw the toilet seat up and wee splashed everywhere (I still went to the toilet - I hovered). Then when I went to wash my hands a gentleman came and stood next to me. It was there that it was 100% confirmed I was currently standing in the men's bathroom.

Despite this, my trip to Barcelona was bloody amazing. My boyfriend isn't perfect though...tonight I came home to my new (and last because I'm now too old) 17-25 young persons railcard. When ordering it Archie had offered to fill in the online form for me whilst I was in the shower. A lovely gesture, but I now regret taking up this offer.

I am now a man.

It reminded me of the time my dad thought 'name on card' meant 'name of card' when booking a hotel room. We therefore had to check in at the hotel as the 'Goldfish' family. I was about 12 at the time and had a wannabe 'street cred' to maintain so this was deeply upsetting.

The moral of the story? Don't let men book or order things unless you want to be turned into a man. Or a goldfish. 

Bye x

Rule No.92: Don't video yourself jumping off a cliff. Your boobs willbe on camera.

I'm back from my family holiday in Greece. I have mixed emotions. I'm sad as I've left the beautiful weather, beaches, pool and my American family. Yet, I'm excited as I am now reunited with Archie...two weeks without seeing him was as hard as I expected. I don't understand what's happened to me. I only used to miss cadburys chocolate when abroad. 

A lot of things happened in the two weeks...my two year old nephew Luke has now learnt to say 'Gina' so I'm no longer 'nana'. This really excites me, and I even loved it when he woke me up at 8am and shouted 'wake up Gina' in his really excited, giggly voice. I wish I had that kind of alarm clock in the morning before I go to work. I don't think I'd grunt and have the 'I hate life' look on my face, well not as much anyway, 

The holiday has also taught me not to drink too much, but this lesson will soon be forgotten and I'll be once again slurring my words in front of my family and shouting 'woooo' across a posh restaurant, whilst taking huge gulps of my drink like it was necessary to keep me alive. 

I have also learnt not to video myself with a waterproof camera when jumping off cliffs into the sea. My bikini never stays on and no one wants that on video. Especially my brother whose camera it was.

Massively awkward. 

This is also a delightful picture I took using the camera. 

I look like my face has been stung by one  thousand bees. 

I didn't just eat Greek salads everyday like I stupidly thought I would either. In fact I think I only ordered one about three times. Instead I've tried all of the different Greek cuisines, such as ribs, a club sandwich, chips, prawn cocktail crisps and pizza. 

The plane journey back wasn't too bad, although it took so long to land and get our suitcases the taxi I had preordered had left, which meant I had to wait an hour for another taxi and didn't get home until 5am. I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around at that moment. 

The main annoying thing about the flight however was two 'know it all' 20 something's that were talking so loudly and wanting everyone to hear their conversation... You know when people want you to hear their conversation when they say things like 'yea one of my boyfriends' and her friend replied with her story 'yea one of my boyfriends' ITS NOT A BOYFRIEND CONTEST!  And you obviously don't have that many as you're irritating. Then they'd say things like "have you watched that film, bla bla bla, the one directed by bla bla bla, yea I met that actor and saw it being filmed, bla bla bla". WE DON'T CARE AND STOP SHOWING OFF. Idiot. 

Anyway. 

Tomorrow I'm going back to work. I knew I had made the right decision to take Monday off to go to Thorpe Park. Sometimes I surprise myself with how smart I am. 

Here's my Thorpe Park face. 

I understand why people think I look like David Mitchell now. 

A tanned, female version. 

Bye x 

Rule No.91: Always check what you've packed

I'm in Greece for two weeks and it's bliss. 

It's 1pm and I've already had a strawberry daiquiri and a rum and pineapple (triple measures)... I am helping to look after five children though so alcohol helps. 

It's my brothers wedding on the 6th June so the family have all come out together for an amazing two weeks in the sun. It's bloody brilliant already and it's only my first day. 

There are a few problems though...I packed my suitcase one night after work and didn't get chance to check it again before flying out. I therefore have a small tube of toothpaste that will probably last a couple of days, no shower gel and two flip flops for your left feet. I think I've remembered everything else though, and I even accidentally packed a big book on New York. I don't know how it got into my suitcase, but no wonder I was 4kg over on my weight allowance...however, I got away with it because I am a legend.

Another slight problem is that my two year old nephew, Luke, seems to think my name is Nana. I think this confused a lot of people on the plane. I have tried to explain to him that my name is GINA, but I've given up already. I'm just going to be Nana for a while. He seems to get excited when he sees me though so that's all that matters. 

I'm hoping to actually look Mexican by the time I leave Greece. Or Greek, which would probably make more sense as I would have been here two weeks and I do love feta cheese and tzatziki. Mexican food I like too, but only the non spicy version, so basically nachos and guacamole. Realistically, I wouldn't make a very good Mexican, I'm not really a fan of tequila either. Although I do drink it when I'm drunk as everything seems great then. 

Over the next two weeks you'll be glad to know I'll be blogging. I'm back. And you can't get rid of me now. 

Muhahaha. 

Bye x 

Rule No.90: Willy headbands will never be an appropriate fashionaccessory

I don't like cats, but I like this one... 

Not many cats are clever enough (I don't think?) to use their paw to try and pull a door open. I applaud this cat. Although, it was so clever it actually freaked me out a little bit. Like the cats with thumbs advert.

On to another animal topic...I got the Dream Boys into the office last week to perform for one of my colleagues, my manager and my group director. It was their work hen do and I felt it appropriate. Despite the slight risk of being sacked, it went down very well.

We then drank ridiculous amounts of Prosecco, and after leaving a gay bar in Soho all I remember was sitting in a Chinese restaurant ordering BBQ pork and rice. I ordered it in Chinese and the waiter understood me too. I'm practically fluent now. Well, basically my colleague Jojo told me what to say and I drunkenly copied it.

My boyfriend then got a taxi to Soho to come and meet me as he'd been out too. According to him (not sure how much I should believe) he'd been telling the taxi driver on the way to meet me how much he loves me. When the taxi pulled up to Wardour Street the driver said, "Is that your girlfriend?" and pointed to me standing in a doorway wearing a willy headband and leaning on the wall half asleep. Archie replied, "Yep, that's the one!" to which to the taxi driver probably felt a bit confused to why Archie loved me so much and said... "good luck with that one mate".

Charming.

I also took these photos of myself that night as I obviously thought I looked really fit.

Yes, that's right. I was wearing a red wig.

I'm sure I don't have to explain why I spent the journey to work the next day listening to Eva Cassidy and drinking ginger beer. However, I did notice an advertisement for a thrilling exhibition.

I can't wait to go and see this pile of wood. 

Art confuses me sometimes.

Another thing that today confused me is why Posh and Becks hold hands like children.

This makes me wonder how 'real' their relationship actually is.

x

Rule No.89: Don't tell a girl that she has a big bum. Especially in public.

I'm going to Scotland tonight with my boyfriend. Eek.

Five nights together is quite a lot (isn't it?), but for once in my life I'm not thinking "oh god, we're bound to fall out", or "what if we get bored or fed up of each other?" I genuinely cannot wait to spend five days with him, and with no work, etc.

Oh god, I'm getting all loved up and pathetic.

SLAP ME.

Let's change the subject...

Yesterday I got given two creme eggs at work. Every year a guy comes round the office to give us one creme egg each. And this year he accidentally walked past me without giving me one, so me being 'miss big mouth' shouted, "EASTER BUNNY YOU FORGOT ME!!"

"Sorry love, you can take two" 

That's right, I GOT TWO EGGS! I therefore changed my Facebook status to the following, as I did feel there was a little bit of harmless flirting involved... 

It's funny how such a simple thing can get so many likes...I think it's because people can relate to it. Everyone likes the surprise of getting something extra, or winning something. I still think I'll win the lottery every time I buy a lucky dip.

I think we need to realise that we're all very much alike a little more often. Just like when people say "I'm not very good at doing that..." Well, you're not the only one that's not very good at doing that, there will be lots of people exactly the same as you. Even if you do think you're the only one. For example, how many people knew you could do all of these things with your iPhone? I bet very few.  

I've come to conclusion now that I am not musical. I can't even play the triangle (do you even 'play' triangles?). I'm just not that way inclined, but then there's things I can do that people who play in an orchestra can't. I don't know what, but I'm sure there are things...

Anyway, I hope you have an amazing Easter. Think of me eating haggis and drinking whiskey. 

Oh and by the way, I'm guessing when a removals guy shouts "baby got back", it isn't a good thing? Then again, I suppose the song does go "I like big butts..." so maybe he liked my bum?!? Nevertheless, it wasn't the greatest compliment. And the worst thing about this is, my boyfriend turned up to my house half an hour later and said "I just saw a guy I used to play football with. He was moving in some furniture for the house next door" That's right, it was the same guy. Typical.

I am actually going to leave you this time. And I'll leave you with a picture of the dog I am currently obsessed with. A Chow Chow.

It's SO CUTE. You can also dye the hair so it looks like a panda.

It probably is a bit cruel...let's be honest...

x

Rule No.88: Don't serenade someone when you sound like a tone deaf baboon

Today I attempted to make my own juice for breakfast. This resulted in me sitting at my desk forcing bright green lumpy slush down my throat, whilst trying not to choke on small chunks of celery. 

What I have mainly learnt from this is that you need to make sure you've blended the juice enough before drinking it. Secondly, there's a reason people use a juicer and not a blender to make juice (the hint is in the name). However, I'm not going to give up as I have a fridge full of vegetables so I'm going to have the joyful task of sieving it tomorrow morning...

I must say the cucumber, celery, kale and apple concoction wasn't too bad. Even if the reactions from my colleagues when they saw it were "ergh, what is that green slime?","are you actually drinking that?", and my favourite, "it looks like liquidised bogeys". 

You wait, tomorrow they'll be jealous of my new sieved creation. 

Anyway, I have news from this weekend... after drinking a pint of bitter, two white wines and three cocktails at my friend, Suze's, birthday drinks on Saturday, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I loved him (we had previously gone as far as 'I really like you'). It was far from romantic. We were stood outside Londis on Clapham High Street and I was talking about the fact he gets on so well with my friends, and I blurted out, "see that's why I love you". I then realised what I had said and went on to say, "Oh wait, I just said that I loved you... I do though'. 

Luckily, after a pause that felt like the most embarrassing eternity, he said it back. And then he said it again on Sunday morning. And then he said it again today. Therefore, I don't think I need to feel embarrassed anymore. Except for the fact I sang the Moulin Rouge version of 'Your Song' to him last night. This time I wasn't drunk. I think I mainly did it because I wanted to make up for the unromantic Londis situation. I think it worked, although he did screw up his face when I attempted to sing the higher notes.

I got a sympathetic round of applause though.

In other news, I have found the best website for anyone that loves dogs but hasn't got a dog of their own. Of course I have a profile.Well actually that's a lie, my housemate has a profile. That way she has the responsibility of looking after the dog and I can just stroke it. Perfect.

Www.borrowmydoggy.com

Bye x

Rule No.87: Don't laugh at random people's children when you're not supposed to

Yesterday I got told I looked tired and pale. Obviously this filled me with joy as these are two words every woman wants to hear before they leave the office to meet a friend for drinks. Yet, my colleague was right. Therefore, it was a good excuse to drink two glasses of red wine to bring the colour back to my cheeks. And because I like wine. A lot.

I enjoyed myself.

The wine didn't exactly help with the tiredness though, and as soon as I got home I passed out on the sofa, which let's be honest is never the most ideal place to sleep.

This is why I've still been rubbish at blog posting, despite getting my new laptop. Work is just so busy at the moment, which is actually a great thing, but it just means I don't have much spare time or energy to write. I promise I'm not ignoring you, and it's nothing to do with the fact I have a boyfriend. Although, I must admit it's weird not writing stories about weirdo guys, dates, Tinder, etc.

Although, there are still a lot of strange people about...

For example, this rather possessed-like two year old girl kept screaming horrificly loud on the tube yesterday. Then she would look ridiculously innocent each time she stopped as if she hadn't done anything wrong. She repeatedly did this for a good five minutes, 'scream, innocent face, scream, innocent face' (it felt like eternity). Her scream was horrendous as well, it was as if someone had just told her there were monsters under her bed and they were going to eat her. And her teddy bear.

I couldn't help myself, after trying to do the typical London commuter thing and ignore it or tut, I just looked at her and burst out laughing. She then stopped screaming and looked at me like I was an alien. An odd looking alien, not a scary one. Luckily her mum was oblivious to everything and so I didn't get told off for laughing at her daughter. It's probably not the best thing to do when someones child is screaming. But at least I inadvertently stopped her from screaming and I'm pretty sure the commuters appreciated it. Although, obviously no one talked because that would just be 'weird'... No one talks on the tube, it's against the tube rules. 

A couple of hours after this I was walking through Clapham Junction station after meeting my friend Vicki for food, when a man walked past us and rather loudly burped right by our faces. He didn't have a single ounce of emotion on his face after he did this. It was as if he'd just yawned and I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk either. Obviously, Vicki and I burst out laughing because even though it was pretty disgusting it was bloody funny.

Then, on the tube home I witnessed a girl on crutches, and her leg was in a strappy cast type thing. She was standing up whilst her friend with normal working legs sat down. This confused me. Why does her friend deserve a seat when her legs are working and her friend is there trying to balance on her crutches in a moving tube carriage? The only thing I could think of was that her friend was a bitch. I think I was right.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a video with you as it is pretty cool. I went to a Robinson's Squash'd press event last week, and the maker of Gravity was there as he has designed a short film for Robinson's. It was shot in a Zero G plane that goes so high and drops so fast there is no gravity for 20 seconds. They only had 12 attempts to shoot the video and they managed to capture it on their last take...
Watch it here

Oh, and this is me on the cool cow sofas in the cinema after a couple of red wines...

I thought I looked like this at the time:

Bye x