Rule No.46: Don't turn 25

I'm turning 25 in a few weeks and I already feel like it's going to be the start of something terrible. I have a smear test booked for the day after my birthday (vom). Not only this, but I will no longer be able to use my young persons railcard, which means I will have to pay FULL PRICE for my train tickets.

Can it get any worse?

Yes, but I can't think of any other reasons why yet...

It definitely won't get any better on the guy front anyway. Especially if I keep scaring guys off. I messaged a guy on Tinder last night saying 'I am a hippy'.

I blame gin. 

I'm obviously not a hippy, but after consuming a lot of gin and after spinning fire poi for three hours I began to believe that I was.

Look at me!

Interestingly though, the Tinder guy actually replied and asked me out for a drink. Maybe he likes hippies... I on the other hand don't want to go for a drink with him, so I haven't replied.

That's right Jay-Z, I have 99 problems and guys are definitely one. In fact,  I have many guy related problems:

1) I very rarely like anyone
2) I get put off easily (e.g. if they like Branston Pickle)
3) When I do like someone, they don't like me

4) When someone likes me, I don't like them
5) I send guys random messages thinking I'm funny, but actually they just think I'm a weirdo
6) I attract weirdos (yes I do realise that I have just referred to myself as a weirdo too)
7) I'm genuinely scared I have bigger muscles than a lot of guys

The diet isn't getting any better either.

My colleague bought us some biscuits this afternoon and my director PURPOSELY put them on my desk. 

I don't think I did too badly. I had one Rich Tea biscuit, one Viscount and two Fingers. It could have been a lot worse.

I am definitely impressed with myself for not eating a Hobnob.

Right, I'm off to bed.

Guten nacht x

Rule No.31: There is always a reason why people are staring at you...

OMG I AM SO TIRED.

I came back from Italy at 7pm on Sunday to my newly painted bedroom, which was completely empty...I didn't even have curtains.

By 11.30pm it looked like this (I don't think I did too badly)...

Two days later it looked like this...

OK, that's shameful, but I haven't got home until 10pm for the past two nights and now it's midnight and I'm writing this. I NEED SLEEP.

Monday was actually a pretty good day apart from the mild depression when waking up to no Italian sunshine and pretty mountains. Oh, and my usual wind incident happened... Just as I was walking into my office my skirt completely blew up revealing my whole bum to the guy behind me, which unfortunately for me was a guy that worked on Men's Health who then got into the same lift as me. The phrase 'awkward silence' doesn't even come close to describing the situation. I don't think I have ever stared at my feet so much in my life.

After eating enough pasta in the past week to feed ten rugby teams for an entire year, I have decided I am going on a diet. I have read up about eating like a Scandinavian and I think I could do that. However, I couldn't find rye bread in my local Sainsbury's and thought soda bread would be the same. Apparently I was wrong. However, my lunch did look pretty healthy today.

I did consume a cookie and a bit of Toblerone after, but that's not the point.I still had healthy stuff beforehand.

I had a meeting in the afternoon, where as usual I left the office panicking that I was going to be late. I got so hot from rushing to the meeting that by the time I got to the offices my face looked like someone had squirted me with a water gun.

I couldn't help but notice that people were staring at me during my trek to the meeting. However, in my mad panic I didn't think to wonder why. It wasn't until I reached the reception desk at the offices that I thought to check what I looked like. Oh dear. My dress had unbuttoned down to belly button and my whole bra was on display to the world. Luckily, I was wearing a nice bra and not one of the 'should be white, but is grey and should never be seen' ones.

After my meeting I got a little lost...Note to self, always go the way you came and use breadcrumbs to guide you.

Although, getting lost did mean I got to see my mate Paul.

 I love Paul.

I'm sure you will have all been aware of the One Direction premiere last night. I'm not going to lie, I wish I had been there. My friend Jade got to go and she even got papped with Simon Cowell (kinda). She's the one with the massive grin.

If that was me (and I had some how been lucky enough to get a ticket) I would have probably fallen over just as the photo had been taken, so I think Jade did pretty well here.

I assure you though, if I had been there I would have NOT looked like the below. I mean, I love 1D, but come on this is just silly...

I think the only time I cried like that was when I was ridiculously hungover and the pub had ran out of pie & mash.

I'll leave you with the thought of my face at that current time.

x

Rule No.2: Men should not wear shark tooth necklaces

Today has been SO HOT! 30 degrees for Britain is actually ridiculous. In a good way, obv.

I have been lying in Battersea Park all day with the girls eating ice lollies, pork pies (standard), and perving on men. However, the perving didn't go too well as there was an upsetting amount of available good looking men. We finally thought we'd spotted a fitty until he took his tshirt off, good bod, but men should not wear shark tooth necklaces. I genuinely don't think Beckham could even pull it off. Actually he might...yea, he definitely would.

We did try licking our Calippos (ice lollies) seductively to lure the men in, but unfortunately nothing happened. However, when I say seductively we probably looked more like this:

At least we tried.

An interesting topic we discussed today was 'why do men have nipples?' Surely there's no purpose for them, except for reducing how much they look like a hairy potato?

As promised here's a video of me practising my fire poi moves. I'll hopefully be using fire in a couple of weeks, so I'll keep you updated!

I understand this has been quite a weird and pervy post, so I apologise.

Blog update...I have just received a snap chat from a guy with a pic of a Hooter girl and the message 'can you wear this please?' ...it's just a tshirt and shorts? Men are weird.